My Own Divine Mercy Story

      In light of Divine Mercy Sunday coming up tomorrow, I thought it would be nice to give my own story of Divine Mercy.  I posted a while back about my life and how I came to be where I am today, but I did not go into detail about how Divine Mercy played a major role in all of that.  So, without further ado, here it is:

     That summer was a really hard one.  I had a very hard past few years that climaxed and ended with me being a newly single mother after he left.  I had no desire to be with the person who left, but I did not want to be in the place that I was.  I was worried for my children, very alone, and hurt that my life had ended up this way.   Honestly the weight of the world just seemed so much to bear, and to think about the future left me feeling panic and hopelessness.  I was working full time and having to leave my children, and at that point (since it was summer) my children were staying with my parents during the week and I would go be with them on the weekend.  This was not at all the life that I wanted either for me or for my children.  Again, I was alone - so very alone.
     After the kids started school (they went to Kindergarten - the first they had ever been in school), I found out what it was like to get up at the crack of dawn, drop off my kids at school and have to break my heart by literally pulling them off of me crying so that I could leave and go to work.  Then I would work all day, feeling guilty for being away from my children.  I would pick them up from the after school program, knowing that they had to be at school an extra couple of hours when most of the other kids got to go home because their mothers had picked them up when school ended.  We would go home, eat whatever frozen food I had the energy to cook, get baths and go to bed.  I had, at the most, about two hours a day with them - two hours at the end of the day when I was exhausted and stressed and had to do the stuff like giving them baths and feeding them.  The next morning we would get up and do it all over again.  It was hard to say the very least.  I would live for the weekend and then spend most of Sunday dreading Monday.
     Again, through all of this, I was alone - so very alone.  I had everything on my shoulders - cleaning house, paying bills, working to support myself and the kids, doctors appointments, maintenance on the car, laundry, cooking, going to the grocery store, etc., etc., etc.  Then there were things like tornado sirens, blackouts, freezing weather, and even a hurricane (we didn't live on the coast, but this one threatened to come pretty far inland).  Again, I faced all of this alone.  I didn't even know our neighbors because I was never home.  I was not wanting the person who left to be there - he was never much of a support in that stuff anyway.  I was wanting things to be the way they were supposed to be - women are supposed to be cherished and protected by their husbands who loves them.  They are supposed to feel safe and protected.  Why had my life turned out this way?
     When my birthday came around I had to do something just wonderful - go see my attorney and face all of the terrible legal stuff that was coming.  Then my mother called with an inspiration.  There was a retreat coming up that weekend - a silent retreat that centers around Divine Mercy.  This particular order of nuns and priests and brothers had devoted their lives to promoting the message of St. Faustina and Divine Mercy.  When my mom suggested that, I was apprehensive.  Don't get me wrong - I knew that it was special, but I just couldn't see how in the world I was going to be able to take off from work and just leave everything from Friday until Sunday.  Who was going to take care of my kids and all of the many things I had to manage?  She was persistent, though, and offered to take care of things for me so that I could go.  That was her birthday present to me.  I finally gave in and went.
     That was the turning point.  Up until that time I did cling to my Catholic Faith and I loved it, but it was very abstract for me.  All of the things I believed because I knew that they were real, but the everyday, real life, tangible effect of that for me at the time was me saying my prayers, trying to avoid sin, reading about the lives of the saints and holy people, and going to Mass.  I was blind to all of the little stuff and the ways God works everyday.  Looking back, I know that I felt the effects of God working, but I just didn't recognize what it was.  My Faith was more something that I did and believed because I knew it was good and holy and would lead me to Heaven, but it was not as much something that I felt - something that I experienced.  Now, I know that basing your Faith off of feelings is very dangerous, and that is not at all what I am suggesting should be done here.  The devil can very easily manipulate your feelings, and even without the evil one working, feelings change with the wind.  What I am trying to say is more that I made my Catholic Faith personal - it was for me, not just what I read about and saw other people experiencing.  I was finally understanding - truly understanding what the saints talked about  - the joy and love of living their Faith.  I could feel and recognize God's love around me and see Him working.  Mass was an oasis, and the sacraments were gifts that I was given over and over again.  I'm getting ahead of myself, though.
     We started out that weekend by driving to an old convent.  The little sisters (who were not of the same order as the ones running the retreat - they were just kind and charitable) let us use their rooms and even their linens.  I walked in and saw the holiest people in the priest, nuns, and brother who were running the retreat.  They were in full habit, and they were just not of this world.  We had a meal in which Father explained to us how things worked, and then we went silent.  The whole weekend was spent in prayer, listening to the various talks (and they were not boring - truly inspiring talks), attending Mass, going to Confession, spiritual direction, Adoration, and just being alone with God.  The world was shut out - I was in my safe place.  I was alone with Jesus, and He was protecting me - taking care of me and cherishing me.  He was giving me what I was longing for.  He had been wanting to do that for the longest time - how did I miss it?  I was so busy with the world and the stress and the hurt that I had blinded myself to the very thing that I was wanting - Jesus waiting for me and all of His saints and angels (the ones in this world and the next) waiting for me to let them in so that they could take care of me.  Christ wanted me to recognize that He was there with me the whole time - holding me and protecting me, keeping me safe, but I didn't know it because I didn't know how to see it.  I wasn't alone and I never was!
     I left that retreat a new person.  My eyes were opened, and I had the spiritual armor that I needed to face the battles and heartache of this cold, cruel world.  Later, I received in the mail the image of Divine Mercy.  That image has meant so much to me.  I look at it and see Jesus, with His most Sacred Heart, and the blue and red streams coming down from His heart - coming straight to me (and the rest of the world) representing all of His love and the graces and the strength and the help that He sends - His Mercy.  He is so generous - His Divine Love and Mercy are truly endless - we can just let go and immerse ourselves in them - jump into this ocean of Love and just let Christ hold us and carry us through this world.  
     Jesus and St. Faustina (that beautiful saint who shared her story and visions so that we could recognize Divine Mercy) were not done with me, though.  They both took hold of me personally - I could really and tangibly feel the prayers of St. Faustina coming down from Heaven and Christ standing by my side leading me.  It's amazing how the saints find us and not the other way around.  Yes, we have the people in this world who love us and who are our friends.  They pray for us and help us and give us advice.  The saints really do the same for us as well - they just do it from Heaven.  God has blessed us with them as much as He has blessed us with the family and friends who are here on the earth with us.  Well, St. Faustina found me and was my new best friend.
     As my life continued it didn't just magically get easier - not at all.  I did, however, have my strength to face it.  A few months later I had to face a court hearing that I was dreading - one of many that I was going to have to face.  I went into it afraid, but I put on my Spiritual armor of prayer, gritted my teeth, and plowed forward.  Well, after we got there a delay happened with the judge and we had to wait.  My attorney took that opportunity to try to come to some agreements outside of court. Would you believe that we were able to come to agreements about everything and have everything finalized right then and there.  It wasn't even scheduled to be that type of hearing, and everything was wrapped up, finalized, and over - I was not going to have to face going back to court!  My mom was there with me (so I wouldn't have to be alone), and when we got in the car afterward, she remembered that she had something that she needed to give me.  One of my uncles, who I have not spoken with in years (and who has his own struggles) had sent me a letter.  Since he didn't know my address he had sent it to my parents.  I opened it and my jaw dropped.  My uncle (who I did not know was even practicing his Faith) had three Masses said for me at the National Shrine of Divine Mercy.  Yes, you read that right - the National Shrine of Divine Mercy in Massachusetts.  Okay Jesus - I hear you!
     Later, I was wanting to try to find a different career so that I didn't have to leave my children so much.  Although I didn't have a teaching degree, that seemed the best option for me so that I could be at the school with them all day.  Well, St. Faustina heard me, and my new best friend pretty much took my hard and led me to where I needed to be.  My mother (yes, I recognize how instrumental my mother has been through all of this) was doing an internet search for me (I had a particularly hard morning and called her on my lunch break from work).  She noticed the name of a school that caught her attention.  The name of that school had very close ties to Divine Mercy.  Anyway, my mother being my mother picked up the phone and called.  That school turned out to be a tremendous blessing, filled with holy and very, very Faithful Catholics.  I was blessed with a job there, and I picked up and moved.  Although the pay wasn't nearly as much as I was making at my other job, God opened doors and kept my children and me safe.  Not once did we go without something that we needed.
     I could list miracle after miracle that my children and I experienced.  From the condo that we were led to live in (the one that the owner spontaneously decided to come down on the price so that I could afford to live there, which just happened to be surrounded by very good people who turned out to be supportive and wonderful friends - right across from an adoration chapel) to the toy store gift cards that I received anonymously on St. Nicholas Day so that Christmas was beyond taken care of for my children, God just kept blessing us and blessing us.  Of course, I have already written about one of the very best miracles and blessings - my sweet husband who happened to come back into my life exactly as the Church granted an annulment and I knew that I might be called to marry.  (Yes, I did say back into my life - that is another story that will have to wait for another blog post.)
     It's amazing how God can bring the greater good into any situation, no matter how hopeless it may seem.   Divine Mercy Sunday is, obviously, quite special to me.  Although the traditional meaning of Divine Mercy is the fact that we can attain Heaven, there are so many ways to experience Divine Mercy while we are still on this earth.  I hope everyone else is able to experience and recognize this Divine Mercy in their lives as much as I have been able to have it in mine.  Happy Divine Mercy Sunday (almost!).  :-)
      
    

Happy Easter!!!

I'm trying out a new application from my phone for updating my blog. I hope it works....






More to come soon.... God bless! Alleluia He is risen!!!

Future Scientist

  
     Do you see this face?  This, my friends, is the face of a future scientist.  He is quite capable already.  You see, he has been conducting quite a few experiments in our house already.  Namely, he has been conducting experiments on sleep deprivation and their effects on his mother.  I know, I know - it seems so unlikely that one so young could already be conducting experiments and observing the results, but it is true.  And what results has he been observing you ask?  Well, let me tell you....
     This precious baby has observed his mother as she gazes in the mirror wondering of it is possible to look more like death warmed over (if I were less vain I would post a picture so that you can see just exactly what death warmed over actually looks like).  He has observed in detail how the house seems to be slipping (not overwhelmingly, but slipping still), the laundry is piling up, and the unfinished projects are crying for more and more attention.  This little cutie has watched as his mother wakes up feeling behind and then runs around all day trying to catch up but not having the mental capacity to form complete sentences let alone organize and prioritize the many things she need to accomplish.  He also watches what happens when he reduces his nap times to blocks of time long enough for his mother to start a project but not finish it (adding to the growing list of unfinished projects).  Then this little budding scientist makes note of his mother falling asleep at night, usually fully clothed on top of the covers because she was only intending to put the baby asleep and not fall asleep herself.  But that is not all!  Through the night he conducts multiple experiments on the cause and effect of waking up every couple of hours or so, never actually allowing the specimen (his mother) to fall fully asleep and make it through the various necessary sleep cycles, yet she is also never fully conscience during these nighttime experimental sessions either.  Is this maybe what twilight sleep is like?  Or how zombies feel?  He's not sure, but he will observe for future sessions to find out.
     Through all of this, the precious baby has watched as his mother has not had much time for stuff like, oh, eating, showering, or finding matching clothes.  Although these things do end up getting accomplished, it usually happens at odd times and over longer time spans than what those tasks would normally require due to the many interruptions.  Then there are things like blogs that need to be updated, phone calls that need to be made, long lost sisters-in-law who need Skype dates, e-mails that need to be returned, and pictures that need to be uploaded onto the computer (hence the one picture of our budding scientist above and not the many, many more that have actually been taken recently).  Oh, and then there is that little thing called sanity that his mother seems to be losing more and more with each passing day as she has no time for breaks or herself.
     That is not all our budding scientist has seen though.  Just today he observed his sweet sister watching him for a few minutes so that his mother could have a small break.  Then he watched his father come home from work to find his wife sound asleep (because she fell asleep during her small break).  This precious baby then got to witness a heroic act - he saw his father close the bedroom door and allow this little scientist's mother a long nap.  This heroic act gave his mother the opportunity to actually feel rested enough to get some things accomplished and even stay awake long enough to have some time to herself and regain some sanity!  Oh how sweet it feels to regain a bit of lost sanity!
     But wait, there is more!  This precious baby has learned that he is loved, and that his mother is thankful - oh so thankful for every second that she has with her three beautiful children and sweet husband.  He knows that even when it gets hard, his mama would not trade one second and realizes she is blessed beyond words to have the job God gave her.  He also sees that his father loves his family as well and is a hero who saves them all on a daily basis.  This little baby has seen that his siblings love him and are learning how important they are in the family by helping out where their mother needs it.  Most importantly, our little scientist has learned what it means for a family to come together and work together, growing closer and gaining virtue in the process.
     Okay, so maybe assuming that our little scientist realizes all of the things in that last paragraph is a stretch, but I can assure you that he knows that he is loved and is confident and secure because of it.  Maybe that last paragraph is more the things that his mother is realizing.  Times of trial have a way of reminding you about the most important things in life.
     Please bear with me as I go though this latest trial that God is allowing (very small trial I realize!) if I am not able to post as much as I would like.  I would be willing to bet that my next post will be after Easter, which means that while I am writing I will probably also be consuming an enormous glass of chocolate milk and a large bowl of cookie dough!  :-)

Tip-toeing and Peeking

     So I had a stressful week last week.  I was trying to get my house in perfect condition (yes, yes I know - I should refer back to my own post about that very issue) because we had company coming over and I really wanted the house to be clean for this person.  My hero of a husband had to work all six days and was pretty tired at the end of those days, and thus I didn't get much down time.  There was no way I was going to ask him to watch the baby when he had been at work for so long.  As much as I love my job of being a mom, sometimes it is nice to have some down time to myself.  Also, and you're going to laugh at this one, with so much stress I was really craving my comfort food - chocolate milk!  I did offer it up, but I still have a long way to go on being able to joyfully offer up sacrifices and still deal with the other stresses of life in the same manner.  So, long stressful week, busy husband, very little down time, and sacrificing my comfort food (aka my coping mechanism) = hard week.

     So, what did I do?  I did what I always do when I get overly stressed.  I found something to worry about.  I've learned to be able to recognize this pattern in my life.  It really is an attack and a tool of the devil - he really fights dirty and hits you when you are down.  Now, since I have already kind of worked through the serious issues in my life that really would require attention, and I already pray about them regularly and have my strategies for dealing with those issues, he decided to hit me with something silly. I wasn't expecting this one, but it really was very clever because I apparently did have an insecurity about it.  He hit me about my blog.  Now, yes, maybe I did need to reassess the whole "tone" my blog was taking and make sure I wasn't sounding a way that I wasn't intending to sound, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I was feeling.  I got shaken and wanted to hide.  So I did.

     Then God did something amazing.  He forced me to rest (because it was Sunday).  Then, He forced me to go to Him in Mass, where I was surrounded by angels and His true presence in the Eucharist - I was safe!  After that He sat back and waited.  And I peeked.  Then I tip-toed.  Then I peeked some more.  And you want to know what I saw?

     I saw Heaven in a field of Bluebonnets, and I saw my loves there waiting for me.  Now, the devil didn't give up that easily.  The evil one never does.  That one tried to invade, and he played on the fact that it was hot and I was trying to take pictures and kids were getting cranky.  So, my hero and husband rescued me.  He saw what was going on and we left - but just for a little while.  Then we went back to the glimpse of Heaven that God gave us, and this time it was good!  My husband successfully ran the devil away (he is so good at that!).  Then we basked in Heaven's glow!

     We took pictures and laughed and smiled at the sweet baby.

     We worked together, trading the camera and taking turns capturing the perfect moments on film.

     We smiled and figured out how to not be annoyed by our older brothers who know just how to push the buttons of their little sisters.  :-)

     We chuckled at the silly baby who just didn't understand why you don't eat the Bluebonnets (and the faces he made when Daddy got them out of his mouth)!

      And we giggled.

And we appreciated this view of Heaven through nature.  Honestly, I don't know how anyone could see such beauty as you find in nature and doubt the existence of God.  How could something so beautiful be created by anything except through love - perfect love that wants us to see Him and what He is pulling us to - little glimpses of Heaven!

     I often find my refuge in nature.  It is so beautiful - such a gift from God.  He smiles at me using flowers and grass and fields and trees and water and sky and clouds.  He smiles at me a lot like this.  Oh, and then, at the end of the day, He pats me on the back, winks, and grins at me like this:

High Horse

     Well, really my title should say that I'm not on a high horse.  My husband and baby may be in this picture (well - she's an average sized horse - not overly "high"), but I sure as heck am not.  I hope I don't sound like I'm on a soapbox either.
     What in the world am I talking about?  Well, as I was drinking my chocolate milk (yes, it's after midnight in the wee hours of Sunday), I started thinking - worrying really - that my blog posts were sounding a bit self righteous or preachy.  Did my post on charity sound - um - uncharitable?  I just wanted to clarify.  That is not at all how I am trying to sound, and believe me when I say that I don't think I'm perfect.  I've got a long way to go in this whole path to sanctity (ha - just ask my husband!), and as I type these posts I am really just collecting my thoughts and typing them out to remind myself more than anything else.  I know - yes, I am doing it for the world to see on the internet.  I do that because I always like to read similar posts in other people's blogs.  It's nice to see how other people are trying to better themselves and read their thoughts on similar issues.  My sister-in-law and I have conversations such as this for hours on end (usually in the middle of the night).  Anyway, since I'm sure that the vast majority of the "views" of my blog page are from people that know me personally, I hope you know me well enough to know that I would never think I have any right to look down on or preach to anyone else.  I would also love to hear other people's thoughts on the issues that I am typing about - I know that there are a lot of people who could teach me a thing or two (million) and I would love to hear it!  
     Ok - with that hopefully clarified, I am off to put the baby back to sleep.  Apparently he decided to wake up as I was typing this (and finishing my chocolate milk).  Good night!  :-)

What the Ugly Camel Taught Me

    Let me ask you a question.  What do you see here?

     Ok - that's fine - take your time to quit laughing.  :-)  No, this is not a trick question.  I'll tell you what I see here.  I see one really, really ugly camel.  He had to have been older than my grandmother's mother.  

     Not sure why, but his lip was dangling like that the whole time.  Nerve damage to the lower lip maybe?  Not sure....  Poor thing was in a pen by himself right across from the younger and better looking camels (which we walked over to see first).  We were at a touristy thing that had lots of exotic species of animals that you could walk around and look at.  When we saw the camels from a distance and made our way over, I have to say this was not what we expected to find.  We were all taken aback.  Well, almost all of us were....

     

     My sweet daughter took a liking to him.  I'm not sure how my daughter, who is usually quite grossed out by weird things, overcame her aversion to the strange, but she did.  And you know what?  This camel adored her back.  He loved all of the attention she gave him.  He ended up being the friendliest animal there.  The poor thing probably never got attention at all, until my sweet daughter taught us all a lesson in charity.  She made a friend for life!  

      In the end, it guess it was really more my daughter who taught me a lesson that day and not the camel, but he was the instrument that God used to teach it.  Yes, I find this as indisputable proof that God most definitely has a sense of humor!
     This past week, I was in the process of organizing the (literal) thousands of pictures that I have on the hard drive of my computer, and I came across these.  This got me thinking about things, and that poor old ugly camel taught me another lesson.  This lesson was a bit more important.
     In our society, animals have a soft place in most people's hearts.  I'm sure that our family, upon further consideration of the ugly camel, would not be the only one to start feeling sorry for him and want to befriend him.  Something about animals inspires a sense of the protective nature that makes you want to shield them from anything that would harm them or make them "sad" (in the sense that an animal can experience an emotion).  Why is it, though, harder for us to feel that same way about other humans?
     How many people do you know that are ugly or annoying or hard to get along with?  How many are mean or lacking in social skills?  How many are beautiful on the outside, but harder to like on the inside?  The thing is, everyone of us - every last one from the moment of conception to the end of the life - is made in the image of God.  That means everyone is beautiful in their own way and deserves a bit of respect - dignity and love.  They deserve to be shown charity.  Now, I'm not talking about the condescending charity that one shows - the kind that is more of a way to feel good about oneself rather than making life better for the person on the receiving end.  That is more about pride and showing off rather than about charity.  I'm talking about the kind of charity - the kind of love and sacrifice - that we would want to be shown.
     I'm not trying to sound like I am preaching.  I am most definitely guilty of being uncharitable myself.  There are people in this world that I do not get along with - people that I really can't stand.  I have been guilty of looking down on others or being judgmental as well.  I have no right to be that way.
     Blessed Mother Teresa used to say that it was Christ that she was taking care of when she would help the destitute and sick.  He was there in every single one of those people.  Didn't He say that whatsoever you do to the least of His people, you do unto Him?  That means that every single person in this world that we come in contact with is an opportunity to do something for Jesus.  Stop and think about it.  This is mind blowing.  Everyone - from the worker at the drive through to your boss that you can't stand to your children and spouses - your mother, the homeless man begging when you stop at a red light - everyone!  This means that we are called to show charity to every single person we come in contact with.
     Of course we are called to love the people around us in different ways.  Our children need one kind of love, our spouses another, the check-out lady at the grocery store another.  We are, however, called to show charity to all of them.  We are even called to be charitable - show some type of love - to those who have been hateful or mean to us or have wronged us in some form or fashion.  It really doesn't matter how they react to that charity - what they do with our love is between them and God.  What matters to us is that the love we show the people around us is really us showing that love to Christ Himself.  Jesus doesn't expect us to put ourselves in a place where we are in danger or setting ourselves up to be hurt by someone we know would hurt us.  He does, however, expect us to be charitable to all in some form or fashion - even if that means praying for someone from a distance or even offering up sacrifices for them.  I had a very wise spiritual director once tell me to offer up daily sacrifices for someone who had been mean to me.  He was so wise to tell me to do that - it really helped.  It was very hard for me to do that, and it still is.  It helps me, though, to think about the fact that I am giving that to Jesus.  As He hung there on the cross, dying for our sins, He (since He is God and knows all) knew that today I would make that sacrifice and offer it up, even though it was hard for me, in order to please Him.  That is my spiritual present that I give to Him to help, in some very small way, ease the suffering that He had to go through for us.
     Charity is something that we all struggle with.  I know I do quite often.  I don't struggle so much with my family or close friends - it is more the others that I struggle being charitable towards.  It is so hard to be charitable to the people in my path who are rude to me - those who are annoying or even those who have been down right mean and hurt me in some way or another.  I hope and pray that as the opportunities present themselves, I can remember that every charitable act that I make - every time I show some type of love - I am really doing that for Christ.  I would like to think that if I lived during the time of Christ and had stood there in the crowds watching Jesus carry His cross I would have been more like St. Veronica who wiped the spit, blood, and sweat from His precious Face and not like all the others who were mocking Him and spit on Him.  I guess that really, even though I don't live in that time period, I am still standing on that road leading to Calvary, and every opportunity I am given to show charity is an opportunity to follow the example of St. Veronica and comfort Jesus.  I pray that my Guardian Angel will whisper this reminder in my ear the next time I am having difficulty showing the charity I am called to show.  

    
     This is another picture I found from that day.  My silly husband was antagonizing that ostrich, and boy was that ostrich getting mad!  I'm not sure how I could turn that into a spiritual lesson I could learn, but it sure was funny!!!  :-)

How To Say I Love You

     As I sit in the living room watching my baby play, crawling from place to place babbling and smiling the whole time, my heart swells.  I think to myself how much I love that little baby.  He is just so precious and fun - such a joy to be around.  He always makes those around him so happy.  He is just SO lovable.  Watching this little baby very often gets me thinking about love and just how that applies not only to my feelings for others, but also to the ways that I am shown that I am loved.
     A while back, a priest said something during a homily at Mass that really stuck with me.  He said that very often our society equates love with a feeling.  When that feeling goes away, many think that the love is gone as well.  He said that if we want to truly understand love, we should look to the example that God Himself gave us.  How did He show us that He loves us?  By becoming man, then suffering and dying on the cross for us.  That was the ultimate and perfect act of love.  It wasn't about a feeling - it was about a choice - an action.  If we want to know if we truly love, we should not look to our feelings to help us decide because feelings are not a constant and they are quite fickle.  Instead, we should realize that our love is a choice, and we show that love through the sacrifices that we make for the person that we love.  These words were so powerful, and they have really stuck with me since that time.  I have seen their truth over and over again in my life.  
     When my husband and I first started dating, I was so happy.  Here was the man that I had always dreamed of.  He was perfect in every way - my knight in shining armor.  He was everything I had always wanted and more!  I thought that I loved him so much.  Looking back I remember knowing that the love I felt for him had to be a bit superficial - I had enough of an understanding of love to know that it was not about a feeling.  I wanted nothing more than to be able to show him true love, and I prayed for that opportunity on a daily basis.  I type this with a smile on my face because that is one of those prayers that God always answers - just not in the way you had pictured.
     Well, surprise, surprise, I have since found out that my husband is, indeed, not perfect.  Turns out that this knight, underneath all of his shining armor, really is human after all!  Shocking!  :-)  (Yes, my husband also found out the same thing about me - my perfection does actually have its limits - hard to believe I know - but true!)  Funny how being married to someone and living with them and dealing with stress together makes all of those non-existent imperfections quite apparent at times.  I often tease him that he had false advertising when we first got together - he is supposed to be perfect!  All joking aside, though, I realize that the trails that we face together are, in their own way, truly an answer to my prayers.  I can honestly say that I love my husband now.  Before, my love was more selfish - I loved him because he made me feel good about myself.  Really I was loving myself.  Now, I can say that I love him for him.  Even when things aren't easy and we have different ideas on how to handle certain stressful situations, we come through and I recognize the outstanding man that he is even if he is not making me feel all lovey dovey.  Does that make sense?  I love him for him - not because he makes me feel good.  Not only did God give me the opportunity to show that I truly love my husband, He also gave me the opportunity to grow and become closer to Him.  Don't get me wrong - most of the time there are plenty of good feelings.  I am just recognizing that now, in a very small way, I can show my own sacrificial love when I let my own selfish desires go in order to prove my love for my husband.  I can take up my own cross and make my own sacrifice and imitate Christ - not only growing closer to my husband but also to Christ at the same time.  This wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I prayed for the opportunity to show that I loved my husband - it is much, much better.  It's harder, but better - that's how God answers our prayers.
      How does this work in everyday life now?  Well, I recognize my feelings for what they are and realize what true love really means.  The concept of sacrificial love applies not only in romantic love between a husband and wife, but also in other types of love as well.  Yes, I love my baby as my heart swells when he gives me kisses - of course.  Really, though, I am loving him more when I wake up in the middle of the night to feed him.  I am loving him more when I show patience when it is the end of the day and I am in need of some down time, but he just can't seem to settle down and go to sleep.  I am showing more love when I stay calm when telling my older son to throw his dirty clothes in the hamper for the millionth time or I show patience with my daughter after she lost the scissors - again.
     I need to remember that, honestly I have a million opportunities a day to truly show love for my family - true love that makes us all feel the presence of God in our lives.  This is the type of love that truly defines - it separates the lightweights from the real deal.  I have a long way to go, but I am blessed to have had such wonderful instruction on the true meaning of love.  I hope and pray that I am able to recognize more of those opportunities throughout the day and to use them to prove my love to my most deserving family.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by the true sacrificial love from a husband who really is amazing and shows me how much he loves me on a daily basis, and I am also blessed with such deserving and sweet children who are there just waiting to soak up the love that I have to offer.  I am blessed to be given the opportunities through my family to show love, grow as a person, and grow closer to God in the process.  This is what true love is all about, and this is an amazing glimpse of what we are striving for in Heaven - to be constantly surrounded by the perfect true love of God in all of His glory.

Listening To God's Whispers

Do you see what I see here?  You may see a field of grass, but I see perfection.  I see beauty, serenity, happiness, and peace.  I took that picture.  I took this one too.

Yes, I was on that four-wheeler.  The ranch I was on was so big that it would have taken all day to walk anywhere.  The only thing that would have been better is if we had been on horseback.
     You see, I used to work for the USDA as a Rangeland Management Specialist - aka a Ranger.  My degree is in Rangeland Management, which basically means studying grasses and ecosystems and grazing lands.  Really what it means is that you get to be outside all day in the fresh air surrounded by grass and cattle and sometimes horses or wildlife just so you can study the grass species in that area and plan a good grazing system or wildlife plan or some other way to best utilize that particular piece of rangeland.  Sometimes we even planned and performed controlled burns, which was really cool.  Every minute that I spent outdoors I loved.  I took these pictures because I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of this particular monoculture of Big Bluestem (grass).  This is the kind of picture that God paints - this is what God gives us as a break from this imperfect world.  These places, the ones that are so quiet that you can almost hear the angels singing, are little doorways out of the painful world.  These places are the places you go to give your Guardian Angel a break so that he can sit down next to you and see nature - every last blade of grass, every tree, every flower, every bug, stream, cloud, particle of soil - giving God glory in its own way.  It is breathtaking - God is smiling when He sends us to these places.  Can you tell that I loved it?
     For me, Heaven would be on a horse in a pasture such as the one above - forever.  Almost.  You see, even when I was there loving every minute of it, something was missing.  I was a single mother at the time (after an Annulment), and I had to leave my children in order to work this job.  I didn't plan things this way, but life has a way of making plans for you sometimes.  I had to support us, and this was the expertise that I had.  I missed my children every minute that I was away from them, and I felt guilty the whole time.  As much as I loved what I was doing, I did not have peace doing it - the cost was just way too much.  So, this small town girl, who went to college in the middle of the desert so she could have her horse with her and be away from the big universities, packed up and moved to the city.  A big city - by far the biggest she had ever lived in.  I took a job teaching at a small Catholic school.  Why did I do it?

For this face.

And for this one.
     I took a teaching job so that I could be near my children all day.  And you know what?  I was happy! I was so happy to be with them.  I was so full of peace that I was doing what God was calling me to do.  He sent me wonderful friends, a great place to live, and miracle after miracle after miracle.  It was amazing.
     And then, God sent another miracle - this one was a doozy:

God sent me this face.
     Who knows if we would have ended up here if I hadn't listened to God calling me away from what I knew and loved.  If God hadn't challenged me to step outside of my comfort zone, who knows what would have happened.  Look at what we would have missed out on!  Oh, and now, miracle of miracles, we have.....

This beautiful little face.
     This just shows me that as much as we may think we have life figured out, we really don't.  I can tell you that if you had asked me fifteen years ago where I would be fifteen years from then, this is the last place I would have said.  Look how blind I was.  Boy am I glad that God really is the One in control.  He doesn't force you to do anything, and He usually whispers when He calls.  But you know He is calling because inside you don't feel right - you know that a change needs to be made.  You long for something else, something more, and you don't know what it is.  Then He shows you the way - He opens doors and gently, oh so gently, nudges you along.  Sometimes it is scary -  God allows this so that you can prove to Him and to yourself that you are placing your full trust in Him.  But through it all you have peace - joyous, wonderful, filling, overwhelming peace.  And yes, you can feel God smiling.
     So now I am a stay at home mother.  My hero and husband makes that possible.  Do I miss my old job?  Yes.  When I am in the middle of the city surrounded by noise and chaos and people and concrete, yes I miss the nature and the beauty.  Do I regret leaving?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  Even though I am surrounded by the chaos of the city, I have peace inside and my loves close by in our little home full of love.  And I have my best friend and the love of my life.

And the other love of my life.

And the other loves of my life.

I have the greatest masterpiece God gave me....

 Our family!
      So what would Heaven be for me?  Well, it would probably be set in fields like the ones in the pictures, and yes, it would be on a horse.  :-)  More importantly, though, I would be surrounded by all of my family. I would be so happy that we were all there together, in the presence of God, that I would forget all about the nature and wonder if we had ever even left our home!