Yup! Another middle of the night blog post. It seems that this is probably going to be the trend for me. For some reason my inspirations for what I want to write seem to come when I should be sleeping. Hmm - I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that the middle of the night is the only time that I actually have to myself...
Speaking to having time to myself (or lack thereof), I am going to do what lots of females do. I am going to vent. Sort of. Have you ever had one of those days? Everything seems to go wrong? Yup. Well for us it has seemed to be one of those couple of weeks. The final straw for me was shoes. (Doesn't it always come down to shoes?) Of course all of the stuff leading up to it set it up for this - lots of stress, husband working insanely long work hours in the biggest heat wave of the past several decades, mama having no time at all (NO TIME) to herself, having to rob Peter to pay Paul, the house that never seems to be clean no matter what, the endless list of things that absolutely have to be done right now (and not enough time to do any of them at all, let alone right now), etc, etc, etc. It all finally came down to shoes.
You see, there was this pair of shoes that I tried on at the beginning of the summer. They were perfect - feminine and pretty, yet comfortable. The perfect mix of outdoorsy yet beautiful, and they just fit my personality. To top it off, they made my feet look pretty (and yes, pretty feet translates to me feeling pretty all over). Although they were not overly expensive, they were simply not in the budget at the time. So I put them back and reminded myself that material things are not what leads to happiness. But I have not forgotten about them. Just tonight (yes, when I should have been sleeping) I looked them up online and lo and behold, they were on sale! Significantly reduced to a price that just might be feasable! I was so excited that I wanted to wake up my husband and tell him (but I didn't of course). Then the realization hit. Something in the back of my mind told me to make sure they had my size. So, already knowing what I was probably going to find, I went back and looked it up. Sure enough, they did not have anything even remotely close to my size left. Since they are on super clearance it told me that they won't be getting anymore either. That's it - no more chance at the perfect shoes - not even if I somehow find a way to pay full price.
Then the pity party started. Of course I don't usually get this emotional over shoes, it was just the final straw that just sent me over the edge. About that time I heard the baby starting to wake up so I went in to get him back to sleep. Laying in the dark, feeling ultimately sorry for myself, my Guardian Angel reminded me of something.
Earlier tonight I made the effort to go to Mass. During his homily the priest said something that made sense. He said that even when we are suffering, we can have peace by abandoning ourselves to God's Will. Of course I have heard this before, but the way this particular priest said it hit me in a certain way. He said that no matter how hard, we can let ourselves relax and simply trust in God's Divine Wisdom. Whenever we suffer, there is some reason. Even if we can't see it, there is definitely a reason and it is always for our own good. We can relax and simply trust.
Well, that thought was exactly what I needed to hear (um, think?). Just trust and relax. It will all be okay. This turn in my thought process led to other thoughts and reminders. Thoughts like the fact that stressful situations always seem to work themselves out. I remembered specific situations that seemed so very hopeless when I was going through them that simply worked themselves out. I remembered the reason that I have a tight budget to begin with and how I wouldn't trade that reason for all of the perfect shoes in the world. I remembered how very, very thankful I am to be able to spend every moment with our precious baby and even though I sometimes feel like I want time to myself, when I get it I just want to run back and be with my family. I remembered that I have an amazing husband who is exactly on the same page as I am with every singe important issue, and he doesn't expect me to work outside of our home and have to leave the children because he understands how important that is to both of us. I remembered that just a couple of days ago my husband commented that although we aren't just having an overabundance of money right now, God has always, always taken care of us and we have never done without the things that we needed. We have also been able to get many of the things that were not necessities - things we just wanted.
Yes, everything is going to be okay. They might not always be easy, but when they aren't easy there is a reason. There is something better for us - something better for our family, something better around the bend, an opportuity to grow in virtue, something better for our souls - the list could go on and on. No matter what though, there is something better and we (mostly I) need to just let go and trust. I need to relax and lean on God - let Him work. Hush and quit my complaining. For Heaven's sake - they were only shoes!
My Guardian Angel is awsome. He stopped me from my pity party path that would have just left me feeling worse, which would have in turn left my family feeling worse. I have found that the old saying that when Mama ain't happy, nobody is happy is completely true. The mother truly is the heart of the home, and it really is my responsibility to keep the spirits up so we can all have a peaceful and happy home.
Trials are trials and they will come. Those trials, though, will leave us better off, but it is going to have to start with me. Even when I am feeling weak, I will have what I need in order to step up and face everything. Sometimes God (and His helpers, such as my Guardian Angel) will be blunt with me and help me when I am too self absorbed to ask for the help. Other times I will recognize His loving hand in my life because I asked for the help. Regardless, I really can just let go and relax. Trust is such a beautiful thing!
So, with those thoughts, I am going to say some prayers and try to go to sleep. Tomorrow might not be easy, but that's okay. If I start feeling down again, I will just have to remind myself to read the blog post...
(P.S. If I made grammatical errors and horrendous run-on sentences, please forgive me. I wanted to get everything down before I forgot it. I really do need to have it written out so I can re-read it and regain focus. Plus, it is the middle of the night and I am not on the top of my writing game. So please bear with the mistakes and try to understand the overall meaning of what I was trying to say. Oh, and know that typing the word "ain't" came very near making me physically ill.... :-)
