So the people who know me personally know that my husband is a full time student right now. With his work schedule and his class schedule it makes things pretty crazy. It is important to us to keep our babies at home, so I am not working a career type job that would interfere with my husband's schedule (so that one of us can always be home). Anyway, it has, in the past few months, been becoming increasingly apparent that I probably do need to find some additional income to help take the edge off of some of our finances and possibly allow my husband to reduce his work hours (so we can see him every once in awhile).
With this realization came the thought - well that's never going to happen. Honestly, I am a mother of four who homeschools two children, has a very active two year old, and is nursing a young infant. My husband is very rarely home, so working around his schedule is next to impossible. My degree is in Range Management (an agriculture degree - managing natural resources, wildlife, grazing systems, ranching type stuff - you can get an idea from this blog post). Because of the way life works, my career has been spent mostly teaching (you can see more about that here). So how in the world was I going to find a job that allowed me to homeschool my kids, continue to nurse full time, keep our home in order, and give my husband the support he needs, with the degree and resume that I have? Yeah - sounds impossible right?
So I started to pray. I implored God's help constantly, and I asked St. Joseph for his help. I should have known then, but of course I worried. Every time we got a bill in the mail and we were juggling to figure out how to pay it, I worried. Every time my husband would be gone for hours on end and struggled to balance his heavy class load around his demanding work schedule I worried. Every time our children needed clothes or shoes or school supplies I worried. Every time I thought about Christmas or birthdays I worried. Finally, in desperation, I started looking into night jobs at places like Wal-mart. I had no idea how I was going to work at night and do everything else I needed to do all day, but I figured that God would give me the strength. I only hoped we would be able to afford the massive amounts of caffeine I was going to need to consume.
Then I got an e-mail. Last spring a dear friend who I had worked for at the USDA (as a range specialist) had told me about a job with the Texas Wildlife Association. It sounded great, so I e-mailed them. They weren't ready to hire someone quite yet so nothing came from it. Well, they e-mailed me back and said they were ready to start looking into hiring. Here is the position they were looking to hire for - a contract educator. Basically they needed someone to work mostly from home and around their own schedule to go into classrooms and teach kids about wildlife and resource management. They needed someone with a degree and background in agriculture and resource management but that had teaching experience especially with younger children (elementary aged). Did I mention that it was a position that was to be worked from home except when in the classroom, and the classroom time is scheduled around the educator's own schedule? Did I mention that they needed someone with a background in agriculture AND teaching? Blink, blink.
So I did a phone interview, thinking that this was too good to be true. Surely there was a catch. Then they called me back for a second interview - this time they wanted to fly me down to their home office for the day. Wait - fly me? That sounds serious.... And they did! Our baby and I packed up and flew down for the day, and I interviewed again. The pay? Oh yeah - that little detail? Um - it was more than I made as a full time teacher. And on top of that, it was a job that sounded like something I would enjoy. Really? I would get to work a job that I LIKED? Yeah right - I had to be dreaming. But just in case, I continued to pray. Then I started to let myself actually get slightly excited. I started to allow myself little thoughts about how great it would be to be able to work a job that let me enjoy both of my passions - teaching AND range management. I started to wonder if it could actually be possible that I could do that without sacrificing the other things that are so important to me and our family. But I was still scared, and I was tired of being disappointed. So, I didn't let myself get too excited, but I definitely prayed non-stop. St. Joseph was implored for prayers, and God never stopped hearing my voice. Everyone I knew was praying as well.
Then it happened. I finally got a phone call and they offered me the job! I couldn't believe it! God really outdid Himself this time, and St. Joseph was definitely smiling. God is SO very good! I was desperate in seemingly desperate circumstances, and not only did I find the job that I needed, but I found the job that was tailor made, perfectly suited for me. Who would have thought? Okay, well given my background and other times God has come through for me in my life, I should have thought. Once again I am humbled and floored and overcome by God's tremendous generosity. Once again I pray that I can live up and strive harder to be who He wants me to be. And once again, I hope and pray that I can figure out how to quit worrying and just realize. I hope I can realize that God really, really does have me and I am safe. I hope that I can realize that I have an entire communion of saints, with a few favorites (like St. Joseph) who are right there with me, calling to God and holding me up because they love me and because God is SO very pleased and glorified through their love. One day I hope I can just realize and relax because God is SO GOOD!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
Real Life
So I have been thinking about social media. For the most part I enjoy it. I find it nice to keep up with friends on Facebook, and I have fun looking at pictures on Instagram. Reading blogs gives me lots to think about and great perspective. There's one thing, though. For the most part everyone, through these social media outlets, puts out their best. Of course. We post about the good moments that we have and show pictures where everything looks perfect. Who wants to tell about their less than perfect moments or post pictures of their messy houses? Although I know this, it can be so disheartening to see the best that others are putting out there and then look around my own home and family and see all of the things I wish were better.
While feeling this way, I started wondering how my own social media is coming across. Whoo-boy! I have lots of blog posts with these great moments of clarity coming from difficult moments in my life. I have pictures posted where my kids are being cute and sweet and my husband and I look like the perfect couple. My statues updates are typically upbeat and positive, and my interactions with people are pretty good.
Okay, here's the deal. When you look at my pictures, realize that the ones I post are the ones of very many less than perfect ones that were rejected. My husband and I are a good couple (and good for one another), but we are far from perfect (what is a perfect couple anyway?). We do have cute, sweet kids, but they are not always cute and sweet - they definitely have their moments. Most of all, though, those great moments of clarity that I blog about? Yeah - well I'm not nearly as virtuous as I may come across. Typically those ideas come from other people - really great spiritual directors and good confessors. I am very blessed to have REALLY holy priests in my life, and I listen to them. And yes, it helps. So I blog about it. I'm not trying to claim their ideas as my own, but anyone reading what I write should realize that all of these great inspirations are really because God has blessed me abundantly with the tools He has placed in my life.
So, in the interest of being more open and honest about the reality of life, I have decided to compose a list of the not so perfect stuff in my life. Here goes:
1) My house is usually a mess.
2) I don't always do what Flylady says.
3) I've yelled at my kids to quit yelling.
4) I read the Hunger Games.
5) I liked the Hunger Games.
6) I read the Hunger Games again.
7) I skipped to the end of the Hunger Games and read the quasi-happy again.
8) I have fantasized about doing mean things when my husband threw his dirty clothes on the ground (again).
9) After getting mad at my husband for throwing his dirty clothes on the ground, I threw my dirty clothes on the ground.
10) After proclaiming the virtues of Montessori education, I let my two year old son watch a Netflix video because it kept him occupied and I wanted a few moments of peace.
11) I drink WAY too much chocolate milk.
12) We eat at McDonalds on occasion.
13) When going to Confession, I never, EVER have a hard time coming up with things to confess.
14) I have wished it was morally acceptable to hire a hit man.
15) I have wished it was morally acceptable to call people bad words.
16) When my husband was feeling guilty tonight because his professor died (!) and he didn't get the chance to send that professor good wishes before he died, instead of offering words of encouragement, I told him, "Well it's too late now!"
17) I hate a store with a passion. I'm not going to say the name of that store, but I will say that it starts with a "W" and ends in "mart."
Okay, the list goes on and on. Do you get the picture? But here's the thing. I love my husband, and I love my kids. I really am trying to do my best to be a good wife and a good mother. Our home is not perfect, but it is not awful either. I may have a need for confession, but so does everyone else too (aside from Jesus and Blessed Mother). So, all in all I'd say we're doing pretty well. Since I suspect that the vast majority of people are about like me, I think that I'm going to think back on this blog post the next time I see someone else's perfect pictures and start to feel badly. Besides, I was just brave enough to post my list. ;-)
(Number 18 on my list - I use emoticons in blog posts. It's fun. That is all.)
While feeling this way, I started wondering how my own social media is coming across. Whoo-boy! I have lots of blog posts with these great moments of clarity coming from difficult moments in my life. I have pictures posted where my kids are being cute and sweet and my husband and I look like the perfect couple. My statues updates are typically upbeat and positive, and my interactions with people are pretty good.
Okay, here's the deal. When you look at my pictures, realize that the ones I post are the ones of very many less than perfect ones that were rejected. My husband and I are a good couple (and good for one another), but we are far from perfect (what is a perfect couple anyway?). We do have cute, sweet kids, but they are not always cute and sweet - they definitely have their moments. Most of all, though, those great moments of clarity that I blog about? Yeah - well I'm not nearly as virtuous as I may come across. Typically those ideas come from other people - really great spiritual directors and good confessors. I am very blessed to have REALLY holy priests in my life, and I listen to them. And yes, it helps. So I blog about it. I'm not trying to claim their ideas as my own, but anyone reading what I write should realize that all of these great inspirations are really because God has blessed me abundantly with the tools He has placed in my life.
So, in the interest of being more open and honest about the reality of life, I have decided to compose a list of the not so perfect stuff in my life. Here goes:
1) My house is usually a mess.
2) I don't always do what Flylady says.
3) I've yelled at my kids to quit yelling.
4) I read the Hunger Games.
5) I liked the Hunger Games.
6) I read the Hunger Games again.
7) I skipped to the end of the Hunger Games and read the quasi-happy again.
8) I have fantasized about doing mean things when my husband threw his dirty clothes on the ground (again).
9) After getting mad at my husband for throwing his dirty clothes on the ground, I threw my dirty clothes on the ground.
10) After proclaiming the virtues of Montessori education, I let my two year old son watch a Netflix video because it kept him occupied and I wanted a few moments of peace.
11) I drink WAY too much chocolate milk.
12) We eat at McDonalds on occasion.
13) When going to Confession, I never, EVER have a hard time coming up with things to confess.
14) I have wished it was morally acceptable to hire a hit man.
15) I have wished it was morally acceptable to call people bad words.
16) When my husband was feeling guilty tonight because his professor died (!) and he didn't get the chance to send that professor good wishes before he died, instead of offering words of encouragement, I told him, "Well it's too late now!"
17) I hate a store with a passion. I'm not going to say the name of that store, but I will say that it starts with a "W" and ends in "mart."
Okay, the list goes on and on. Do you get the picture? But here's the thing. I love my husband, and I love my kids. I really am trying to do my best to be a good wife and a good mother. Our home is not perfect, but it is not awful either. I may have a need for confession, but so does everyone else too (aside from Jesus and Blessed Mother). So, all in all I'd say we're doing pretty well. Since I suspect that the vast majority of people are about like me, I think that I'm going to think back on this blog post the next time I see someone else's perfect pictures and start to feel badly. Besides, I was just brave enough to post my list. ;-)
(Number 18 on my list - I use emoticons in blog posts. It's fun. That is all.)
Thursday, August 9, 2012
My Desert
I've decided it's a good thing that I am a night person. I come from a long line of night people. My grandmother used to be the one in her church to sit with people through the night at the hospital because she was the only one who could stay awake. My mother has always been a night person as well, and now here I am. It's 1:25 in the morning and I finally have a chance to sit down and write and think and enjoy the peace for a little while until the baby wakes up. I know most sane people would actually be sleeping right now, but sometimes I have a hard time turning off my mind and sleeping. This is one of those times. So here is a post of my thoughts.
A few years ago I went to a silent retreat. It was beautifully done, and one of the main themes was entering into the desert to be alone with Christ. Everyone was supposed to spend the weekend completely immersed in prayer and time to be with Christ - similar to when He went to the desert to pray and prepare for His duties while on this earth. It was a beautiful weekend, and I came away from that retreat with so many tools to face the things that I was facing at the time (I have written about it in a previous post if case you are interested. I know that the savy bloggers would post a link here, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. One day....). As nice as it would be to have a weekend like that again, it really just isn't possible right now for a number of reasons. Tonight, though, I had a thought - what if I am in my desert right now, and it's just different?
In the past little while I've been feeling a bit lonely. Don't get me wrong - I'm always surrounded by people. Most of the time those people are my children and my husband with a few acquaintances thrown in there when we go to Mass on Sunday. Of course there are strangers too in places like the grocery store, but they don't count. Anyway, I have been realizing how long it has been since I have really had time to be with friends or even cultivate new friendships. My spiritual director (a very wise priest) once told me that many wives and mothers are often times lonely, and I have to say that he is right. Most of the girlfriends that I have are in similar positions being married and busy with children, and I really don't have a whole lot of time or opportunity to go out and meet a whole lot of new people. On top of that, as a very conservative, traditionalist Catholic, homeschooling mom, there's not just a whole lot of people in this society that I have loads in common with. The people I do have a lot in common with are just as busy as I am, which means not a lot of time for socializing. I have to laugh because several friends of mine and I are almost always in some sort of phone tag game, and trying to coordinate schedules to get together (when considering husbands' schedules, kids' schedules, nap times, meal times, etc) is a major undertaking!
Okay, so this post is starting to sound a lot like me just complaining. Really I am not trying to do that. In fact, I wouldn't change my life. I am happy with where I am and wouldn't change anything that got me here - honest! I do have a point to all of this, and I will get to that very soon.
So back to the desert. Well, really back to my realization. What if this loneliness that I have been feeling lately is really just God calling me to the desert again? What if this IS my desert? No, I can't go away on another silent retreat, and I can't even be by myself for much time at all. I can find what I need right where I am, though. I think that with all of the busyness and stress and, well, just life, I have forgotten to nurture the one thing that I need the most - my relationship with God. Of course I say my prayers and go to Mass and Confessions, and yes I do recognize the graces that I receive from those things. However, I don't feel on a regular basis anymore that way that I felt after I left that silent retreat. I don't feel that intimacy with Christ that is so very important.
And BAM - there it is. God in His infinite wisdom is calling to me, using the vocation that He gave me to give me exactly what I need. Christ is patiently waiting for me to turn to Him - to long for Him again. He wants me to lean on Him - no, He wants me to immerse myself and everything that I face, everything that I do in Him. Christ is that perfect One with whom I am always safe. He is always there with me, calling to me, holding me, loving me with His perfect love - even when I am too busy or too selfish to even notice. Why in the world would I ever feel lonely? I am always safe with Christ. I am ALWAYS safe with Christ, and He is always there loving me with a love that is unfathomable.
So, yet again, I am reminded that it is through my vocation - through being a wife and a mother that I am being drawn towards Heaven. Other people are drawn in different ways - those with religious vocations, those with a vocation to the single life, missionaries, professors, students, military members, nurses, doctors, police officers, firemen, etc, etc, etc. My personal path to Heaven is filled with children and my husband and laundry and dishes and schoolwork and diapers, and yes, even loneliness. If that is what it takes for me to open my eyes and realize that everything that I do and face should be for Him, then yes, loneliness is what will replace the silent retreat. I can cultivate my intimacy with Christ if every dish that I wash is joyfully done for Him, every piece of clothing that I fold is done with the intent of pleasing my Beloved, and every duty that I have is done knowing that Christ desires that I do it well and with love.
And as I please Christ and build my intimacy with Him, I am also building my love and relationships with my children and with my husband. How happy can I make each of my children and my husband if I can recognize just how much each of them is a gift from God. When I immerse myself in Christ, He gives me what I need to draw my family to Him as well. Not only am I always safe with Christ, but so are they! What indescribable happiness would that be if we are all together in Heaven one day! That is my job as wife and mother - to remind everyone in our family of the love that God has for us through the love that I show.
Well, now I am humbled. How easily I always forget. I didn't need a silent retreat after all - I just needed a little loneliness and a Guardian Angel to whisper in my ear. Tomorrow I will try to do better. My friends will be there, and there will be fun times - of course. There will also be joy in facing the mundane as well. And if I start to feel lonely again, all I need to do is turn to Christ - He is always there patiently waiting to show me His infinite love. He is always longing for me to long for Him. I pray for the grace to never forget that again!
A few years ago I went to a silent retreat. It was beautifully done, and one of the main themes was entering into the desert to be alone with Christ. Everyone was supposed to spend the weekend completely immersed in prayer and time to be with Christ - similar to when He went to the desert to pray and prepare for His duties while on this earth. It was a beautiful weekend, and I came away from that retreat with so many tools to face the things that I was facing at the time (I have written about it in a previous post if case you are interested. I know that the savy bloggers would post a link here, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. One day....). As nice as it would be to have a weekend like that again, it really just isn't possible right now for a number of reasons. Tonight, though, I had a thought - what if I am in my desert right now, and it's just different?
In the past little while I've been feeling a bit lonely. Don't get me wrong - I'm always surrounded by people. Most of the time those people are my children and my husband with a few acquaintances thrown in there when we go to Mass on Sunday. Of course there are strangers too in places like the grocery store, but they don't count. Anyway, I have been realizing how long it has been since I have really had time to be with friends or even cultivate new friendships. My spiritual director (a very wise priest) once told me that many wives and mothers are often times lonely, and I have to say that he is right. Most of the girlfriends that I have are in similar positions being married and busy with children, and I really don't have a whole lot of time or opportunity to go out and meet a whole lot of new people. On top of that, as a very conservative, traditionalist Catholic, homeschooling mom, there's not just a whole lot of people in this society that I have loads in common with. The people I do have a lot in common with are just as busy as I am, which means not a lot of time for socializing. I have to laugh because several friends of mine and I are almost always in some sort of phone tag game, and trying to coordinate schedules to get together (when considering husbands' schedules, kids' schedules, nap times, meal times, etc) is a major undertaking!
Okay, so this post is starting to sound a lot like me just complaining. Really I am not trying to do that. In fact, I wouldn't change my life. I am happy with where I am and wouldn't change anything that got me here - honest! I do have a point to all of this, and I will get to that very soon.
So back to the desert. Well, really back to my realization. What if this loneliness that I have been feeling lately is really just God calling me to the desert again? What if this IS my desert? No, I can't go away on another silent retreat, and I can't even be by myself for much time at all. I can find what I need right where I am, though. I think that with all of the busyness and stress and, well, just life, I have forgotten to nurture the one thing that I need the most - my relationship with God. Of course I say my prayers and go to Mass and Confessions, and yes I do recognize the graces that I receive from those things. However, I don't feel on a regular basis anymore that way that I felt after I left that silent retreat. I don't feel that intimacy with Christ that is so very important.
And BAM - there it is. God in His infinite wisdom is calling to me, using the vocation that He gave me to give me exactly what I need. Christ is patiently waiting for me to turn to Him - to long for Him again. He wants me to lean on Him - no, He wants me to immerse myself and everything that I face, everything that I do in Him. Christ is that perfect One with whom I am always safe. He is always there with me, calling to me, holding me, loving me with His perfect love - even when I am too busy or too selfish to even notice. Why in the world would I ever feel lonely? I am always safe with Christ. I am ALWAYS safe with Christ, and He is always there loving me with a love that is unfathomable.
So, yet again, I am reminded that it is through my vocation - through being a wife and a mother that I am being drawn towards Heaven. Other people are drawn in different ways - those with religious vocations, those with a vocation to the single life, missionaries, professors, students, military members, nurses, doctors, police officers, firemen, etc, etc, etc. My personal path to Heaven is filled with children and my husband and laundry and dishes and schoolwork and diapers, and yes, even loneliness. If that is what it takes for me to open my eyes and realize that everything that I do and face should be for Him, then yes, loneliness is what will replace the silent retreat. I can cultivate my intimacy with Christ if every dish that I wash is joyfully done for Him, every piece of clothing that I fold is done with the intent of pleasing my Beloved, and every duty that I have is done knowing that Christ desires that I do it well and with love.
And as I please Christ and build my intimacy with Him, I am also building my love and relationships with my children and with my husband. How happy can I make each of my children and my husband if I can recognize just how much each of them is a gift from God. When I immerse myself in Christ, He gives me what I need to draw my family to Him as well. Not only am I always safe with Christ, but so are they! What indescribable happiness would that be if we are all together in Heaven one day! That is my job as wife and mother - to remind everyone in our family of the love that God has for us through the love that I show.
Well, now I am humbled. How easily I always forget. I didn't need a silent retreat after all - I just needed a little loneliness and a Guardian Angel to whisper in my ear. Tomorrow I will try to do better. My friends will be there, and there will be fun times - of course. There will also be joy in facing the mundane as well. And if I start to feel lonely again, all I need to do is turn to Christ - He is always there patiently waiting to show me His infinite love. He is always longing for me to long for Him. I pray for the grace to never forget that again!
Friday, July 13, 2012
I'm Back
I haven't written on my blog in a really long time. Here I am, almost a year later, and there are lots of new changes in our family! First, we moved about an hour away from where we previously lived. Also, we just had a new baby - a girl! We are feeling so very blessed with our new little one (who is now almost three weeks old). So, with all of this change and new responsibilities, what better time to try to start writing again - right? (Yes, I'm being a bit sarcastic, but not completely.) I think that it will do me some good to try my hand at staying on top of blogging again, and it will certainly help me keep perspective in this crazy, busy life! I'm thinking that I will probably try to post the birth story of our new baby first, but not tonight. I am going to start out my new found resolution to blog more often by procrastinating....
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