My Desert

     I've decided it's a good thing that I am a night person.  I come from a long line of night people.  My grandmother used to be the one in her church to sit with people through the night at the hospital because she was the only one who could stay awake.  My mother has always been a night person as well, and now here I am.  It's 1:25 in the morning and I finally have a chance to sit down and write and think and enjoy the peace for a little while until the baby wakes up.  I know most sane people would actually be sleeping right now, but sometimes I have a hard time turning off my mind and sleeping.  This is one of those times.  So here is a post of my thoughts.
     A few years ago I went to a silent retreat.  It was beautifully done, and one of the main themes was entering into the desert to be alone with Christ.  Everyone was supposed to spend the weekend completely immersed in prayer and time to be with Christ - similar to when He went to the desert to pray and prepare for His duties while on this earth.  It was a beautiful weekend, and I came away from that retreat with so many tools to face the things that I was facing at the time (I have written about it in a previous post if case you are interested.  I know that the savy bloggers would post a link here, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet.  One day....).  As nice as it would be to have a weekend like that again, it really just isn't possible right now for a number of reasons.  Tonight, though, I had a thought - what if I am in my desert right now, and it's just different?
     In the past little while I've been feeling a bit lonely.  Don't get me wrong - I'm always surrounded by people.  Most of the time those people are my children and my husband with a few acquaintances thrown in there when we go to Mass on Sunday.  Of course there are strangers too in places like the grocery store, but they don't count.  Anyway, I have been realizing how long it has been since I have really had time to be with friends or even cultivate new friendships.  My spiritual director (a very wise priest) once told me that many wives and mothers are often times lonely, and I have to say that he is right.  Most of the girlfriends that I have are in similar positions being married and busy with children, and I really don't have a whole lot of time or opportunity to go out and meet a whole lot of new people. On top of that, as a very conservative, traditionalist Catholic, homeschooling mom, there's not just a whole lot of people in this society that I have loads in common with.  The people I do have a lot in common with are just as busy as I am, which means not a lot of time for socializing.  I have to laugh because several friends of mine and I are almost always in some sort of phone tag game, and trying to coordinate schedules to get together (when considering husbands' schedules, kids' schedules, nap times, meal times, etc) is a major undertaking!
     Okay, so this post is starting to sound a lot like me just complaining.  Really I am not trying to do that.  In fact, I wouldn't change my life.  I am happy with where I am and wouldn't change anything that got me here - honest!  I do have a point to all of this, and I will get to that very soon.
     So back to the desert.  Well, really back to my realization.  What if this loneliness that I have been feeling lately is really just God calling me to the desert again?  What if this IS my desert?  No, I can't go away on another silent retreat, and I can't even be by myself for much time at all.  I can find what I need right where I am, though.  I think that with all of the busyness and stress and, well, just life, I have forgotten to nurture the one thing that I need the most - my relationship with God.  Of course I say my prayers and go to Mass and Confessions, and yes I do recognize the graces that I receive from those things.  However, I don't feel on a regular basis anymore that way that I felt after I left that silent retreat.  I don't feel that intimacy with Christ that is so very important.
     And BAM - there it is.  God in His infinite wisdom is calling to me, using the vocation that He gave me to give me exactly what I need.  Christ is patiently waiting for me to turn to Him - to long for Him again.  He wants me to lean on Him - no, He wants me to immerse myself and everything that I face, everything that I do in Him.  Christ is that perfect One with whom I am always safe.  He is always there with me, calling to me, holding me, loving me with His perfect love - even when I am too busy or too selfish to even notice.  Why in the world would I ever feel lonely?  I am always safe with Christ.  I am ALWAYS safe with Christ, and He is always there loving me with a love that is unfathomable.
     So, yet again, I am reminded that it is through my vocation - through being a wife and a mother that I am being drawn towards Heaven.  Other people are drawn in different ways - those with religious vocations, those with a vocation to the single life, missionaries, professors, students, military members, nurses, doctors, police officers, firemen, etc, etc, etc.  My personal path to Heaven is filled with children and my husband and laundry and dishes and schoolwork and diapers, and yes, even loneliness.  If that is what it takes for me to open my eyes and realize that everything that I do and face should be for Him, then yes, loneliness is what will replace the silent retreat.  I can cultivate my intimacy with Christ if every dish that I wash is joyfully done for Him, every piece of clothing that I fold is done with the intent of pleasing my Beloved, and every duty that I have is done knowing that Christ desires that I do it well and with love.
     And as I please Christ and build my intimacy with Him, I am also building my love and relationships with my children and with my husband.  How happy can I make each of my children and my husband if I can recognize just how much each of them is a gift from God.  When I immerse myself in Christ, He gives me what I need to draw my family to Him as well.  Not only am I always safe with Christ, but so are they!  What indescribable happiness would that be if we are all together in Heaven one day!  That is my job as wife and mother - to remind everyone in our family of the love that God has for us through the love that I show.
     Well, now I am humbled.  How easily I always forget.  I didn't need a silent retreat after all - I just needed a little loneliness and a Guardian Angel to whisper in my ear.  Tomorrow I will try to do better. My friends will be there, and there will be fun times - of course.  There will also be joy in facing the mundane as well.  And if I start to feel lonely again, all I need to do is turn to Christ - He is always there patiently waiting to show me His infinite love.  He is always longing for me to long for Him.  I pray for the grace to never forget that again!