I haven't posted in forever. I know it. A combination of lack of sleep with a silly baby, end of the year finals to give to the kids, and a broken charge cord for my computer have all contributed to my lack of posting. However, as of this moment I have a sleeping baby, two kids that are finished (just about) with all of their school work, and I am using my husband's computer (which I don't like as much as mine, but I am learning to use until my new charge cord comes in and I can switch back over). Why, you may be asking, am I up in the middle of the night and blogging? Well, this isn't just any night. It is the wee hours of the morning of June 15. THE June 15 - the dreaded June 15. I really hate this day more than just about any other day of the year. This is the day that my two older kids leave for their summer visit with their father.
There was a time that I told myself that having my kids leave would get easier. I would get used to it and we would just move on. It hasn't gotten easier, and I haven't gotten used to it. I hate it. I feel as if a piece of myself is being torn away for 42 days. It hurts and it stinks. I dread this day all year long, and it doesn't get any easier.
I have been lying awake unable to sleep, and after having yet another worry fill my mind with some other terrible scenario, I decided to get up and do something more productive. I need to do something worth doing and quit worrying. Why am I doing this online? Well, because this is my Glimpses of Heaven blog. When I write on this blog it forces me to open my eyes to God's goodness. This blog is my tool for keeping my perspective where it is supposed to be. I can't wallow in my melancholy if I am typing for my blog - I have to be good and look for the lesson that God is wanting me to learn by allowing this suffering in my life. For better or worse, here I go....
Suffering is a part of life. There are so many people in this world who have sufferings that are so much worse than mine. So, why is God allowing this particular suffering in my life? I'll tell you why. He is forcing me to let go. I have such a hard time letting go and just trusting. I am a worrier by nature (I get it honestly - it must be genetic in my family). I try to think of every possible bad scenario and safeguard against it. I hardly ever take risks, and when I do they are very calculated. I like to plan and know what to expect, and surprises (even good ones) tend to make me uneasy. So, in the way only God can work, He is forcing me to let go. He is taking the circumstances in my life and making the greater good come from them. No, this is not ideal, but these are the circumstances in my life for lots of reasons. God is allowing those circumstances because He is choosing to use them to bring me closer to Him. He is forcing me to learn a lesson that I need to learn. He is taking my stubborn persistence in my refusal to trust and pretty much leaving me no option BUT to trust in Him.
I need to learn this lesson because there is no way I can safeguard myself and my family against everything. We are all going to face things that will be hard, and some of those things are going to hurt. We are all going to suffer, but (as long as we are staying in the state of grace and open to God's will) we are never going to be called to suffer more than we can handle. He will always be there for me, for my children, for my husband, and for everyone. As long as we haven't closed ourselves off to God's grace (through mortal sin) we will have what we need to face whatever we need to face in this world, and we will be better because of it. It is through suffering that we grow closer to God, and it is through suffering that we get a little closer to Heaven. Aside from receiving the Body of Christ in the Blessed Sacrament, there is no other way that we can be more unified with Christ than through suffering. He suffered for us, and He is calling us to suffer with Him so that we can more intimately know Him - we can relate to Him more easily and understand on a very small level what He did for us. The thought that Jesus suffered for us on the cross is so abstract - that is until we have a little bit of suffering. It gives us something concrete to understand. That concrete memory paired with the knowledge that our suffering is but a very, very small fraction of what Our Lord suffered for us helps us appreciate what He did for us that much more. I always seem to forget this. I get used to my day to day living that doesn't involve tremendous suffering, and I start slipping and trying to avoid any suffering whatsoever. I become prideful and think that I can actually control what happens and avoid suffering (and keep my family from suffering). How in the world can I let Christ in if I am closing myself off, not letting go and not trusting in Him. I can't see His beautiful face if I am busy covering my eyes out of fear and worry! He can't catch me and hold me close if I refuse to let go and allow myself to fall into His arms!
Okay, breathe.... This is what I need to do. I need to call out to Him. He is forcing me to let go - I need to embrace that. I need to call out to my Blessed Mother and ask her to wrap my children in her mantle and hold them close to her tender and motherly heart. Then I need to ask her to wrap me up as well - cradle me in her loving embrace, wipe away my tears, and carry me to her loving Son. Together we will gaze upon His beautiful face and I will feel His Divine Mercy surround me. I am safe. My children are safe. We will be fine. Yes, we are all going to face pain in this world, and I will probably feel more pain as my children leave and everyday that they are gone. But I can do this, and I can grow closer to God through this. I can cling to Him through the sacraments that He left me in His Church, especially Holy Mass, the Blessed Sacrament, and Confession. We are so blessed with all that He gives us.
That is my glimpse of Heaven - that is probably more like a downright gaze - God's loving mercy surrounding me. His gentle guidance forcing me to let go and allow Him to catch us all. I am gazing into Heaven as I let go and learn this lesson. If I can do that, my children can follow my example and recognize Heaven when they see it as they suffer in this imperfect world. I can't keep them safe from hurt, but I can give them the tools to grow closer to God in the hurt that they will inevitably face. I have to start with myself.
Yes, this middle of the night therapy blogging session is helping. No more wallowing!!! I hope that the people who know me will remind me of this blog post and this lesson that I am supposed to learn if they see me starting to wallow in self pity! :-) Really, my suffering is so minimal, and I do realize that (now that I am thinking with a more clear head). So, with my perspective focused (for now), I am off to bed with the hopes of at least a little bit of sleep. Good night to all and God bless!!
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