So I have been thinking about social media. For the most part I enjoy it. I find it nice to keep up with friends on Facebook, and I have fun looking at pictures on Instagram. Reading blogs gives me lots to think about and great perspective. There's one thing, though. For the most part everyone, through these social media outlets, puts out their best. Of course. We post about the good moments that we have and show pictures where everything looks perfect. Who wants to tell about their less than perfect moments or post pictures of their messy houses? Although I know this, it can be so disheartening to see the best that others are putting out there and then look around my own home and family and see all of the things I wish were better.
While feeling this way, I started wondering how my own social media is coming across. Whoo-boy! I have lots of blog posts with these great moments of clarity coming from difficult moments in my life. I have pictures posted where my kids are being cute and sweet and my husband and I look like the perfect couple. My statues updates are typically upbeat and positive, and my interactions with people are pretty good.
Okay, here's the deal. When you look at my pictures, realize that the ones I post are the ones of very many less than perfect ones that were rejected. My husband and I are a good couple (and good for one another), but we are far from perfect (what is a perfect couple anyway?). We do have cute, sweet kids, but they are not always cute and sweet - they definitely have their moments. Most of all, though, those great moments of clarity that I blog about? Yeah - well I'm not nearly as virtuous as I may come across. Typically those ideas come from other people - really great spiritual directors and good confessors. I am very blessed to have REALLY holy priests in my life, and I listen to them. And yes, it helps. So I blog about it. I'm not trying to claim their ideas as my own, but anyone reading what I write should realize that all of these great inspirations are really because God has blessed me abundantly with the tools He has placed in my life.
So, in the interest of being more open and honest about the reality of life, I have decided to compose a list of the not so perfect stuff in my life. Here goes:
1) My house is usually a mess.
2) I don't always do what Flylady says.
3) I've yelled at my kids to quit yelling.
4) I read the Hunger Games.
5) I liked the Hunger Games.
6) I read the Hunger Games again.
7) I skipped to the end of the Hunger Games and read the quasi-happy again.
8) I have fantasized about doing mean things when my husband threw his dirty clothes on the ground (again).
9) After getting mad at my husband for throwing his dirty clothes on the ground, I threw my dirty clothes on the ground.
10) After proclaiming the virtues of Montessori education, I let my two year old son watch a Netflix video because it kept him occupied and I wanted a few moments of peace.
11) I drink WAY too much chocolate milk.
12) We eat at McDonalds on occasion.
13) When going to Confession, I never, EVER have a hard time coming up with things to confess.
14) I have wished it was morally acceptable to hire a hit man.
15) I have wished it was morally acceptable to call people bad words.
16) When my husband was feeling guilty tonight because his professor died (!) and he didn't get the chance to send that professor good wishes before he died, instead of offering words of encouragement, I told him, "Well it's too late now!"
17) I hate a store with a passion. I'm not going to say the name of that store, but I will say that it starts with a "W" and ends in "mart."
Okay, the list goes on and on. Do you get the picture? But here's the thing. I love my husband, and I love my kids. I really am trying to do my best to be a good wife and a good mother. Our home is not perfect, but it is not awful either. I may have a need for confession, but so does everyone else too (aside from Jesus and Blessed Mother). So, all in all I'd say we're doing pretty well. Since I suspect that the vast majority of people are about like me, I think that I'm going to think back on this blog post the next time I see someone else's perfect pictures and start to feel badly. Besides, I was just brave enough to post my list. ;-)
(Number 18 on my list - I use emoticons in blog posts. It's fun. That is all.)
Monday, September 17, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
My Desert
I've decided it's a good thing that I am a night person. I come from a long line of night people. My grandmother used to be the one in her church to sit with people through the night at the hospital because she was the only one who could stay awake. My mother has always been a night person as well, and now here I am. It's 1:25 in the morning and I finally have a chance to sit down and write and think and enjoy the peace for a little while until the baby wakes up. I know most sane people would actually be sleeping right now, but sometimes I have a hard time turning off my mind and sleeping. This is one of those times. So here is a post of my thoughts.
A few years ago I went to a silent retreat. It was beautifully done, and one of the main themes was entering into the desert to be alone with Christ. Everyone was supposed to spend the weekend completely immersed in prayer and time to be with Christ - similar to when He went to the desert to pray and prepare for His duties while on this earth. It was a beautiful weekend, and I came away from that retreat with so many tools to face the things that I was facing at the time (I have written about it in a previous post if case you are interested. I know that the savy bloggers would post a link here, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. One day....). As nice as it would be to have a weekend like that again, it really just isn't possible right now for a number of reasons. Tonight, though, I had a thought - what if I am in my desert right now, and it's just different?
In the past little while I've been feeling a bit lonely. Don't get me wrong - I'm always surrounded by people. Most of the time those people are my children and my husband with a few acquaintances thrown in there when we go to Mass on Sunday. Of course there are strangers too in places like the grocery store, but they don't count. Anyway, I have been realizing how long it has been since I have really had time to be with friends or even cultivate new friendships. My spiritual director (a very wise priest) once told me that many wives and mothers are often times lonely, and I have to say that he is right. Most of the girlfriends that I have are in similar positions being married and busy with children, and I really don't have a whole lot of time or opportunity to go out and meet a whole lot of new people. On top of that, as a very conservative, traditionalist Catholic, homeschooling mom, there's not just a whole lot of people in this society that I have loads in common with. The people I do have a lot in common with are just as busy as I am, which means not a lot of time for socializing. I have to laugh because several friends of mine and I are almost always in some sort of phone tag game, and trying to coordinate schedules to get together (when considering husbands' schedules, kids' schedules, nap times, meal times, etc) is a major undertaking!
Okay, so this post is starting to sound a lot like me just complaining. Really I am not trying to do that. In fact, I wouldn't change my life. I am happy with where I am and wouldn't change anything that got me here - honest! I do have a point to all of this, and I will get to that very soon.
So back to the desert. Well, really back to my realization. What if this loneliness that I have been feeling lately is really just God calling me to the desert again? What if this IS my desert? No, I can't go away on another silent retreat, and I can't even be by myself for much time at all. I can find what I need right where I am, though. I think that with all of the busyness and stress and, well, just life, I have forgotten to nurture the one thing that I need the most - my relationship with God. Of course I say my prayers and go to Mass and Confessions, and yes I do recognize the graces that I receive from those things. However, I don't feel on a regular basis anymore that way that I felt after I left that silent retreat. I don't feel that intimacy with Christ that is so very important.
And BAM - there it is. God in His infinite wisdom is calling to me, using the vocation that He gave me to give me exactly what I need. Christ is patiently waiting for me to turn to Him - to long for Him again. He wants me to lean on Him - no, He wants me to immerse myself and everything that I face, everything that I do in Him. Christ is that perfect One with whom I am always safe. He is always there with me, calling to me, holding me, loving me with His perfect love - even when I am too busy or too selfish to even notice. Why in the world would I ever feel lonely? I am always safe with Christ. I am ALWAYS safe with Christ, and He is always there loving me with a love that is unfathomable.
So, yet again, I am reminded that it is through my vocation - through being a wife and a mother that I am being drawn towards Heaven. Other people are drawn in different ways - those with religious vocations, those with a vocation to the single life, missionaries, professors, students, military members, nurses, doctors, police officers, firemen, etc, etc, etc. My personal path to Heaven is filled with children and my husband and laundry and dishes and schoolwork and diapers, and yes, even loneliness. If that is what it takes for me to open my eyes and realize that everything that I do and face should be for Him, then yes, loneliness is what will replace the silent retreat. I can cultivate my intimacy with Christ if every dish that I wash is joyfully done for Him, every piece of clothing that I fold is done with the intent of pleasing my Beloved, and every duty that I have is done knowing that Christ desires that I do it well and with love.
And as I please Christ and build my intimacy with Him, I am also building my love and relationships with my children and with my husband. How happy can I make each of my children and my husband if I can recognize just how much each of them is a gift from God. When I immerse myself in Christ, He gives me what I need to draw my family to Him as well. Not only am I always safe with Christ, but so are they! What indescribable happiness would that be if we are all together in Heaven one day! That is my job as wife and mother - to remind everyone in our family of the love that God has for us through the love that I show.
Well, now I am humbled. How easily I always forget. I didn't need a silent retreat after all - I just needed a little loneliness and a Guardian Angel to whisper in my ear. Tomorrow I will try to do better. My friends will be there, and there will be fun times - of course. There will also be joy in facing the mundane as well. And if I start to feel lonely again, all I need to do is turn to Christ - He is always there patiently waiting to show me His infinite love. He is always longing for me to long for Him. I pray for the grace to never forget that again!
A few years ago I went to a silent retreat. It was beautifully done, and one of the main themes was entering into the desert to be alone with Christ. Everyone was supposed to spend the weekend completely immersed in prayer and time to be with Christ - similar to when He went to the desert to pray and prepare for His duties while on this earth. It was a beautiful weekend, and I came away from that retreat with so many tools to face the things that I was facing at the time (I have written about it in a previous post if case you are interested. I know that the savy bloggers would post a link here, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. One day....). As nice as it would be to have a weekend like that again, it really just isn't possible right now for a number of reasons. Tonight, though, I had a thought - what if I am in my desert right now, and it's just different?
In the past little while I've been feeling a bit lonely. Don't get me wrong - I'm always surrounded by people. Most of the time those people are my children and my husband with a few acquaintances thrown in there when we go to Mass on Sunday. Of course there are strangers too in places like the grocery store, but they don't count. Anyway, I have been realizing how long it has been since I have really had time to be with friends or even cultivate new friendships. My spiritual director (a very wise priest) once told me that many wives and mothers are often times lonely, and I have to say that he is right. Most of the girlfriends that I have are in similar positions being married and busy with children, and I really don't have a whole lot of time or opportunity to go out and meet a whole lot of new people. On top of that, as a very conservative, traditionalist Catholic, homeschooling mom, there's not just a whole lot of people in this society that I have loads in common with. The people I do have a lot in common with are just as busy as I am, which means not a lot of time for socializing. I have to laugh because several friends of mine and I are almost always in some sort of phone tag game, and trying to coordinate schedules to get together (when considering husbands' schedules, kids' schedules, nap times, meal times, etc) is a major undertaking!
Okay, so this post is starting to sound a lot like me just complaining. Really I am not trying to do that. In fact, I wouldn't change my life. I am happy with where I am and wouldn't change anything that got me here - honest! I do have a point to all of this, and I will get to that very soon.
So back to the desert. Well, really back to my realization. What if this loneliness that I have been feeling lately is really just God calling me to the desert again? What if this IS my desert? No, I can't go away on another silent retreat, and I can't even be by myself for much time at all. I can find what I need right where I am, though. I think that with all of the busyness and stress and, well, just life, I have forgotten to nurture the one thing that I need the most - my relationship with God. Of course I say my prayers and go to Mass and Confessions, and yes I do recognize the graces that I receive from those things. However, I don't feel on a regular basis anymore that way that I felt after I left that silent retreat. I don't feel that intimacy with Christ that is so very important.
And BAM - there it is. God in His infinite wisdom is calling to me, using the vocation that He gave me to give me exactly what I need. Christ is patiently waiting for me to turn to Him - to long for Him again. He wants me to lean on Him - no, He wants me to immerse myself and everything that I face, everything that I do in Him. Christ is that perfect One with whom I am always safe. He is always there with me, calling to me, holding me, loving me with His perfect love - even when I am too busy or too selfish to even notice. Why in the world would I ever feel lonely? I am always safe with Christ. I am ALWAYS safe with Christ, and He is always there loving me with a love that is unfathomable.
So, yet again, I am reminded that it is through my vocation - through being a wife and a mother that I am being drawn towards Heaven. Other people are drawn in different ways - those with religious vocations, those with a vocation to the single life, missionaries, professors, students, military members, nurses, doctors, police officers, firemen, etc, etc, etc. My personal path to Heaven is filled with children and my husband and laundry and dishes and schoolwork and diapers, and yes, even loneliness. If that is what it takes for me to open my eyes and realize that everything that I do and face should be for Him, then yes, loneliness is what will replace the silent retreat. I can cultivate my intimacy with Christ if every dish that I wash is joyfully done for Him, every piece of clothing that I fold is done with the intent of pleasing my Beloved, and every duty that I have is done knowing that Christ desires that I do it well and with love.
And as I please Christ and build my intimacy with Him, I am also building my love and relationships with my children and with my husband. How happy can I make each of my children and my husband if I can recognize just how much each of them is a gift from God. When I immerse myself in Christ, He gives me what I need to draw my family to Him as well. Not only am I always safe with Christ, but so are they! What indescribable happiness would that be if we are all together in Heaven one day! That is my job as wife and mother - to remind everyone in our family of the love that God has for us through the love that I show.
Well, now I am humbled. How easily I always forget. I didn't need a silent retreat after all - I just needed a little loneliness and a Guardian Angel to whisper in my ear. Tomorrow I will try to do better. My friends will be there, and there will be fun times - of course. There will also be joy in facing the mundane as well. And if I start to feel lonely again, all I need to do is turn to Christ - He is always there patiently waiting to show me His infinite love. He is always longing for me to long for Him. I pray for the grace to never forget that again!
Friday, July 13, 2012
I'm Back
I haven't written on my blog in a really long time. Here I am, almost a year later, and there are lots of new changes in our family! First, we moved about an hour away from where we previously lived. Also, we just had a new baby - a girl! We are feeling so very blessed with our new little one (who is now almost three weeks old). So, with all of this change and new responsibilities, what better time to try to start writing again - right? (Yes, I'm being a bit sarcastic, but not completely.) I think that it will do me some good to try my hand at staying on top of blogging again, and it will certainly help me keep perspective in this crazy, busy life! I'm thinking that I will probably try to post the birth story of our new baby first, but not tonight. I am going to start out my new found resolution to blog more often by procrastinating....
Friday, September 16, 2011
Will Someone PLEASE Take Me To A Hat Store?
Yes, I think I need a new hat. I was thinking about it the other day. I, like many of the wives and mothers that I know, have to constantly wear a wide variety of hats. The problem is, I think that I may need to replace a few. My maid hat got dirty when all of my laundry got piled on top of it. My chef hat fell off - probably when I was leaning out of my car window to order fast food. My organization hat got lost in all of the paperwork that I've been needing to file for the past six months, and I completely forgot to order my household manager hat altogether.
My wife hat and mother hat are both beautiful and quite prized possessions of mine, but I sometimes have a hard time balancing them both on my head. I haven't quite figured out the knack of giving each the proper amount of attention so that both of the hats sit perfectly where they are supposed to and are content in their spots on my head.
My friend and confidant hat sometimes gets buried when I am trying to balance the above mentioned hats. The patience hat that I should wear all of the time, even for total strangers, sometimes seems to turn into ashes when my irritation flames up (particularly when I am trying to drive in traffic, which usually coincides with the baby screaming to be let out of his car seat).
I lost my thinking cap a long time ago. I think it got buried somewhere between lack of sleep and the hormonal changes that came with pregnancy. (The epidural and pain killers that I got during labor - you know, the ones I was SO determined not to get while I was planning said labor - probably contributed to the loss of some brian cells as well.)
So, you see, I need to get a new hat. One that has a giant "S" on top. This one I should be able to put on after I duck into a phone booth after hearing calls of distress. I'm not sure how much it would cost, but it seems that it would be worth every penny it I could just save up enough to buy it.
On second thought, maybe I should just keep all of the others. Maybe - if I play my cards right, say my prayers, offer everything up, and just keep on keepin' on - maybe I can just trade them all in for a halo one day. Hmm - maybe that's what God had in mind when He gave me all of those hats to wear to begin with. Now THAT would be a great thought. Well, it would be a great thought if I could just find that darn thinking cap.....
My wife hat and mother hat are both beautiful and quite prized possessions of mine, but I sometimes have a hard time balancing them both on my head. I haven't quite figured out the knack of giving each the proper amount of attention so that both of the hats sit perfectly where they are supposed to and are content in their spots on my head.
My friend and confidant hat sometimes gets buried when I am trying to balance the above mentioned hats. The patience hat that I should wear all of the time, even for total strangers, sometimes seems to turn into ashes when my irritation flames up (particularly when I am trying to drive in traffic, which usually coincides with the baby screaming to be let out of his car seat).
I lost my thinking cap a long time ago. I think it got buried somewhere between lack of sleep and the hormonal changes that came with pregnancy. (The epidural and pain killers that I got during labor - you know, the ones I was SO determined not to get while I was planning said labor - probably contributed to the loss of some brian cells as well.)
So, you see, I need to get a new hat. One that has a giant "S" on top. This one I should be able to put on after I duck into a phone booth after hearing calls of distress. I'm not sure how much it would cost, but it seems that it would be worth every penny it I could just save up enough to buy it.
On second thought, maybe I should just keep all of the others. Maybe - if I play my cards right, say my prayers, offer everything up, and just keep on keepin' on - maybe I can just trade them all in for a halo one day. Hmm - maybe that's what God had in mind when He gave me all of those hats to wear to begin with. Now THAT would be a great thought. Well, it would be a great thought if I could just find that darn thinking cap.....
Thursday, August 18, 2011
When My Guardian Angel is Blunt
Yup! Another middle of the night blog post. It seems that this is probably going to be the trend for me. For some reason my inspirations for what I want to write seem to come when I should be sleeping. Hmm - I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that the middle of the night is the only time that I actually have to myself...
Speaking to having time to myself (or lack thereof), I am going to do what lots of females do. I am going to vent. Sort of. Have you ever had one of those days? Everything seems to go wrong? Yup. Well for us it has seemed to be one of those couple of weeks. The final straw for me was shoes. (Doesn't it always come down to shoes?) Of course all of the stuff leading up to it set it up for this - lots of stress, husband working insanely long work hours in the biggest heat wave of the past several decades, mama having no time at all (NO TIME) to herself, having to rob Peter to pay Paul, the house that never seems to be clean no matter what, the endless list of things that absolutely have to be done right now (and not enough time to do any of them at all, let alone right now), etc, etc, etc. It all finally came down to shoes.
You see, there was this pair of shoes that I tried on at the beginning of the summer. They were perfect - feminine and pretty, yet comfortable. The perfect mix of outdoorsy yet beautiful, and they just fit my personality. To top it off, they made my feet look pretty (and yes, pretty feet translates to me feeling pretty all over). Although they were not overly expensive, they were simply not in the budget at the time. So I put them back and reminded myself that material things are not what leads to happiness. But I have not forgotten about them. Just tonight (yes, when I should have been sleeping) I looked them up online and lo and behold, they were on sale! Significantly reduced to a price that just might be feasable! I was so excited that I wanted to wake up my husband and tell him (but I didn't of course). Then the realization hit. Something in the back of my mind told me to make sure they had my size. So, already knowing what I was probably going to find, I went back and looked it up. Sure enough, they did not have anything even remotely close to my size left. Since they are on super clearance it told me that they won't be getting anymore either. That's it - no more chance at the perfect shoes - not even if I somehow find a way to pay full price.
Then the pity party started. Of course I don't usually get this emotional over shoes, it was just the final straw that just sent me over the edge. About that time I heard the baby starting to wake up so I went in to get him back to sleep. Laying in the dark, feeling ultimately sorry for myself, my Guardian Angel reminded me of something.
Earlier tonight I made the effort to go to Mass. During his homily the priest said something that made sense. He said that even when we are suffering, we can have peace by abandoning ourselves to God's Will. Of course I have heard this before, but the way this particular priest said it hit me in a certain way. He said that no matter how hard, we can let ourselves relax and simply trust in God's Divine Wisdom. Whenever we suffer, there is some reason. Even if we can't see it, there is definitely a reason and it is always for our own good. We can relax and simply trust.
Well, that thought was exactly what I needed to hear (um, think?). Just trust and relax. It will all be okay. This turn in my thought process led to other thoughts and reminders. Thoughts like the fact that stressful situations always seem to work themselves out. I remembered specific situations that seemed so very hopeless when I was going through them that simply worked themselves out. I remembered the reason that I have a tight budget to begin with and how I wouldn't trade that reason for all of the perfect shoes in the world. I remembered how very, very thankful I am to be able to spend every moment with our precious baby and even though I sometimes feel like I want time to myself, when I get it I just want to run back and be with my family. I remembered that I have an amazing husband who is exactly on the same page as I am with every singe important issue, and he doesn't expect me to work outside of our home and have to leave the children because he understands how important that is to both of us. I remembered that just a couple of days ago my husband commented that although we aren't just having an overabundance of money right now, God has always, always taken care of us and we have never done without the things that we needed. We have also been able to get many of the things that were not necessities - things we just wanted.
Yes, everything is going to be okay. They might not always be easy, but when they aren't easy there is a reason. There is something better for us - something better for our family, something better around the bend, an opportuity to grow in virtue, something better for our souls - the list could go on and on. No matter what though, there is something better and we (mostly I) need to just let go and trust. I need to relax and lean on God - let Him work. Hush and quit my complaining. For Heaven's sake - they were only shoes!
My Guardian Angel is awsome. He stopped me from my pity party path that would have just left me feeling worse, which would have in turn left my family feeling worse. I have found that the old saying that when Mama ain't happy, nobody is happy is completely true. The mother truly is the heart of the home, and it really is my responsibility to keep the spirits up so we can all have a peaceful and happy home.
Trials are trials and they will come. Those trials, though, will leave us better off, but it is going to have to start with me. Even when I am feeling weak, I will have what I need in order to step up and face everything. Sometimes God (and His helpers, such as my Guardian Angel) will be blunt with me and help me when I am too self absorbed to ask for the help. Other times I will recognize His loving hand in my life because I asked for the help. Regardless, I really can just let go and relax. Trust is such a beautiful thing!
So, with those thoughts, I am going to say some prayers and try to go to sleep. Tomorrow might not be easy, but that's okay. If I start feeling down again, I will just have to remind myself to read the blog post...
(P.S. If I made grammatical errors and horrendous run-on sentences, please forgive me. I wanted to get everything down before I forgot it. I really do need to have it written out so I can re-read it and regain focus. Plus, it is the middle of the night and I am not on the top of my writing game. So please bear with the mistakes and try to understand the overall meaning of what I was trying to say. Oh, and know that typing the word "ain't" came very near making me physically ill.... :-)
Speaking to having time to myself (or lack thereof), I am going to do what lots of females do. I am going to vent. Sort of. Have you ever had one of those days? Everything seems to go wrong? Yup. Well for us it has seemed to be one of those couple of weeks. The final straw for me was shoes. (Doesn't it always come down to shoes?) Of course all of the stuff leading up to it set it up for this - lots of stress, husband working insanely long work hours in the biggest heat wave of the past several decades, mama having no time at all (NO TIME) to herself, having to rob Peter to pay Paul, the house that never seems to be clean no matter what, the endless list of things that absolutely have to be done right now (and not enough time to do any of them at all, let alone right now), etc, etc, etc. It all finally came down to shoes.
You see, there was this pair of shoes that I tried on at the beginning of the summer. They were perfect - feminine and pretty, yet comfortable. The perfect mix of outdoorsy yet beautiful, and they just fit my personality. To top it off, they made my feet look pretty (and yes, pretty feet translates to me feeling pretty all over). Although they were not overly expensive, they were simply not in the budget at the time. So I put them back and reminded myself that material things are not what leads to happiness. But I have not forgotten about them. Just tonight (yes, when I should have been sleeping) I looked them up online and lo and behold, they were on sale! Significantly reduced to a price that just might be feasable! I was so excited that I wanted to wake up my husband and tell him (but I didn't of course). Then the realization hit. Something in the back of my mind told me to make sure they had my size. So, already knowing what I was probably going to find, I went back and looked it up. Sure enough, they did not have anything even remotely close to my size left. Since they are on super clearance it told me that they won't be getting anymore either. That's it - no more chance at the perfect shoes - not even if I somehow find a way to pay full price.
Then the pity party started. Of course I don't usually get this emotional over shoes, it was just the final straw that just sent me over the edge. About that time I heard the baby starting to wake up so I went in to get him back to sleep. Laying in the dark, feeling ultimately sorry for myself, my Guardian Angel reminded me of something.
Earlier tonight I made the effort to go to Mass. During his homily the priest said something that made sense. He said that even when we are suffering, we can have peace by abandoning ourselves to God's Will. Of course I have heard this before, but the way this particular priest said it hit me in a certain way. He said that no matter how hard, we can let ourselves relax and simply trust in God's Divine Wisdom. Whenever we suffer, there is some reason. Even if we can't see it, there is definitely a reason and it is always for our own good. We can relax and simply trust.
Well, that thought was exactly what I needed to hear (um, think?). Just trust and relax. It will all be okay. This turn in my thought process led to other thoughts and reminders. Thoughts like the fact that stressful situations always seem to work themselves out. I remembered specific situations that seemed so very hopeless when I was going through them that simply worked themselves out. I remembered the reason that I have a tight budget to begin with and how I wouldn't trade that reason for all of the perfect shoes in the world. I remembered how very, very thankful I am to be able to spend every moment with our precious baby and even though I sometimes feel like I want time to myself, when I get it I just want to run back and be with my family. I remembered that I have an amazing husband who is exactly on the same page as I am with every singe important issue, and he doesn't expect me to work outside of our home and have to leave the children because he understands how important that is to both of us. I remembered that just a couple of days ago my husband commented that although we aren't just having an overabundance of money right now, God has always, always taken care of us and we have never done without the things that we needed. We have also been able to get many of the things that were not necessities - things we just wanted.
Yes, everything is going to be okay. They might not always be easy, but when they aren't easy there is a reason. There is something better for us - something better for our family, something better around the bend, an opportuity to grow in virtue, something better for our souls - the list could go on and on. No matter what though, there is something better and we (mostly I) need to just let go and trust. I need to relax and lean on God - let Him work. Hush and quit my complaining. For Heaven's sake - they were only shoes!
My Guardian Angel is awsome. He stopped me from my pity party path that would have just left me feeling worse, which would have in turn left my family feeling worse. I have found that the old saying that when Mama ain't happy, nobody is happy is completely true. The mother truly is the heart of the home, and it really is my responsibility to keep the spirits up so we can all have a peaceful and happy home.
Trials are trials and they will come. Those trials, though, will leave us better off, but it is going to have to start with me. Even when I am feeling weak, I will have what I need in order to step up and face everything. Sometimes God (and His helpers, such as my Guardian Angel) will be blunt with me and help me when I am too self absorbed to ask for the help. Other times I will recognize His loving hand in my life because I asked for the help. Regardless, I really can just let go and relax. Trust is such a beautiful thing!
So, with those thoughts, I am going to say some prayers and try to go to sleep. Tomorrow might not be easy, but that's okay. If I start feeling down again, I will just have to remind myself to read the blog post...
(P.S. If I made grammatical errors and horrendous run-on sentences, please forgive me. I wanted to get everything down before I forgot it. I really do need to have it written out so I can re-read it and regain focus. Plus, it is the middle of the night and I am not on the top of my writing game. So please bear with the mistakes and try to understand the overall meaning of what I was trying to say. Oh, and know that typing the word "ain't" came very near making me physically ill.... :-)
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Does My Baby Think We Are Praying to Him?
I had this thought the other day. When we all sit down at the table getting ready to eat, we always pray first. Lately, we make the Sign of the Cross, fold our hands, and then all turn and face the baby - every single one of us. Of course we are doing this so that he can learn to fold his hands and pray as well, but after seeing that cute little smile the thought came to me that he thinks we are praying to him! Yikes!!
What in the world are we going to do about this? I am suddently getting images of that little plankton from Spnge Bob running through my head. Do you know the one? That plankton that is always trying to steal the hamburger recipe so that he can control the public and rule the world. He's always proclaiming that he is going to rule the world in a loud voice and then there is an added lightning strike to contribute to the drama (or something similar). Yes, that plankton. Is my son going to be plotting world domination before his third birthday?
When I think about it, he pretty much rules the house. Of course there are things he is not allowed to do and places he is not allowed to go, but I'm not sure that he realizes this fact. His older brother and sister have their rooms and their toys that they don't have to share, but they keep their doors closed and the toys they don't want to share in their rooms behind those closed doors. The baby is none the wiser of what he doesn't get to play with. When he isn't allowed to have something, we take it away but then always distract him and give him something he can have instead. Our whole household centers around him - sleeping patterns, eating patterns, how we arrange the furniture and even plan our days. He is constantly the center of attention. He simply has to pull up on his little walker wagon and push it across the living room floor and he will recieve a round of applause. Everything he says to us we repeat back to him and encourage. Imagine the power of getting two grown adults and an older brother and sister to say the same thing at the same time - all simply by saying a word once. If he points that cute little chubby finger, he instantly has four people running to get what he is pointing to.
The thing is, he is just so darn cute! Those big blue eyes can make you melt with just a glance. His sweet little smile could change the hardest heart! He really is such a sweetheart - giving kisses and precious smiles all of the time. When he looks at you and says your name (or what he calls you) it has an immediate effect - you feel like a million dollars! He is a very happy baby and such a joy to be around. You can't help but smile when you are in his presence.
Maybe that is just it. He is happy and confident because he knows he is loved. This really is the only time in his little life that is relatively free from major suffering - he hasn't had to realize that life is hard yet. Maybe God set it up that way on purpose. After he hits the harder times in life, he will be able to look back and know those feelings of security and love and confidence. This time for him is his little glimpse of what awaits him in Heaven one day, and memories of this will get him through the hard times of life and keep him striving towards the ulitmate goal - happiness in Heaven. God is giving us the graces to have patience so that He can work through us and allow our baby to feel His love for him through us.
Ok, so I am happy with that! However, I need to find a way to show him balance. Along with the security, he also needs to understand humility and virtue. Although he is probably too young to understand those concepts right now, it is something we need to make sure and instill as soon as the time is right. It really is the only way he can find happiness in this world, and we need to show him how much we love him by giving him those extremely valuable tools! Spoiling our baby is certainly not going to be giving him glimpses of Heaven or giving him the tools to find happiness in this world or the next. I guess my husband and I need to start praying now for the wisdom to find the balance between giving him the love and security that he needs without overly spoiling him or cripling him spiritually.
For now I think we will continue enjoying this precious little gift - our own little glimpse of Heaven. We are going to continue letting him know how loved he is, how proud we are of him, and we will continue giving him the confidence that he needs. Okay - we may need to change how we pray - maybe start facing the Crucifix that hangs next to our kitchen table when we pray instead of the baby..... :-) I'm sure (and I hope!) God, in His wisdom, will help us when the time comes by sending one of those natural virtue and character builders - a little brother or sister!
What in the world are we going to do about this? I am suddently getting images of that little plankton from Spnge Bob running through my head. Do you know the one? That plankton that is always trying to steal the hamburger recipe so that he can control the public and rule the world. He's always proclaiming that he is going to rule the world in a loud voice and then there is an added lightning strike to contribute to the drama (or something similar). Yes, that plankton. Is my son going to be plotting world domination before his third birthday?
When I think about it, he pretty much rules the house. Of course there are things he is not allowed to do and places he is not allowed to go, but I'm not sure that he realizes this fact. His older brother and sister have their rooms and their toys that they don't have to share, but they keep their doors closed and the toys they don't want to share in their rooms behind those closed doors. The baby is none the wiser of what he doesn't get to play with. When he isn't allowed to have something, we take it away but then always distract him and give him something he can have instead. Our whole household centers around him - sleeping patterns, eating patterns, how we arrange the furniture and even plan our days. He is constantly the center of attention. He simply has to pull up on his little walker wagon and push it across the living room floor and he will recieve a round of applause. Everything he says to us we repeat back to him and encourage. Imagine the power of getting two grown adults and an older brother and sister to say the same thing at the same time - all simply by saying a word once. If he points that cute little chubby finger, he instantly has four people running to get what he is pointing to.
The thing is, he is just so darn cute! Those big blue eyes can make you melt with just a glance. His sweet little smile could change the hardest heart! He really is such a sweetheart - giving kisses and precious smiles all of the time. When he looks at you and says your name (or what he calls you) it has an immediate effect - you feel like a million dollars! He is a very happy baby and such a joy to be around. You can't help but smile when you are in his presence.
Maybe that is just it. He is happy and confident because he knows he is loved. This really is the only time in his little life that is relatively free from major suffering - he hasn't had to realize that life is hard yet. Maybe God set it up that way on purpose. After he hits the harder times in life, he will be able to look back and know those feelings of security and love and confidence. This time for him is his little glimpse of what awaits him in Heaven one day, and memories of this will get him through the hard times of life and keep him striving towards the ulitmate goal - happiness in Heaven. God is giving us the graces to have patience so that He can work through us and allow our baby to feel His love for him through us.
Ok, so I am happy with that! However, I need to find a way to show him balance. Along with the security, he also needs to understand humility and virtue. Although he is probably too young to understand those concepts right now, it is something we need to make sure and instill as soon as the time is right. It really is the only way he can find happiness in this world, and we need to show him how much we love him by giving him those extremely valuable tools! Spoiling our baby is certainly not going to be giving him glimpses of Heaven or giving him the tools to find happiness in this world or the next. I guess my husband and I need to start praying now for the wisdom to find the balance between giving him the love and security that he needs without overly spoiling him or cripling him spiritually.
For now I think we will continue enjoying this precious little gift - our own little glimpse of Heaven. We are going to continue letting him know how loved he is, how proud we are of him, and we will continue giving him the confidence that he needs. Okay - we may need to change how we pray - maybe start facing the Crucifix that hangs next to our kitchen table when we pray instead of the baby..... :-) I'm sure (and I hope!) God, in His wisdom, will help us when the time comes by sending one of those natural virtue and character builders - a little brother or sister!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Middle of the Night Therapy Blogging Session
I haven't posted in forever. I know it. A combination of lack of sleep with a silly baby, end of the year finals to give to the kids, and a broken charge cord for my computer have all contributed to my lack of posting. However, as of this moment I have a sleeping baby, two kids that are finished (just about) with all of their school work, and I am using my husband's computer (which I don't like as much as mine, but I am learning to use until my new charge cord comes in and I can switch back over). Why, you may be asking, am I up in the middle of the night and blogging? Well, this isn't just any night. It is the wee hours of the morning of June 15. THE June 15 - the dreaded June 15. I really hate this day more than just about any other day of the year. This is the day that my two older kids leave for their summer visit with their father.
There was a time that I told myself that having my kids leave would get easier. I would get used to it and we would just move on. It hasn't gotten easier, and I haven't gotten used to it. I hate it. I feel as if a piece of myself is being torn away for 42 days. It hurts and it stinks. I dread this day all year long, and it doesn't get any easier.
I have been lying awake unable to sleep, and after having yet another worry fill my mind with some other terrible scenario, I decided to get up and do something more productive. I need to do something worth doing and quit worrying. Why am I doing this online? Well, because this is my Glimpses of Heaven blog. When I write on this blog it forces me to open my eyes to God's goodness. This blog is my tool for keeping my perspective where it is supposed to be. I can't wallow in my melancholy if I am typing for my blog - I have to be good and look for the lesson that God is wanting me to learn by allowing this suffering in my life. For better or worse, here I go....
Suffering is a part of life. There are so many people in this world who have sufferings that are so much worse than mine. So, why is God allowing this particular suffering in my life? I'll tell you why. He is forcing me to let go. I have such a hard time letting go and just trusting. I am a worrier by nature (I get it honestly - it must be genetic in my family). I try to think of every possible bad scenario and safeguard against it. I hardly ever take risks, and when I do they are very calculated. I like to plan and know what to expect, and surprises (even good ones) tend to make me uneasy. So, in the way only God can work, He is forcing me to let go. He is taking the circumstances in my life and making the greater good come from them. No, this is not ideal, but these are the circumstances in my life for lots of reasons. God is allowing those circumstances because He is choosing to use them to bring me closer to Him. He is forcing me to learn a lesson that I need to learn. He is taking my stubborn persistence in my refusal to trust and pretty much leaving me no option BUT to trust in Him.
I need to learn this lesson because there is no way I can safeguard myself and my family against everything. We are all going to face things that will be hard, and some of those things are going to hurt. We are all going to suffer, but (as long as we are staying in the state of grace and open to God's will) we are never going to be called to suffer more than we can handle. He will always be there for me, for my children, for my husband, and for everyone. As long as we haven't closed ourselves off to God's grace (through mortal sin) we will have what we need to face whatever we need to face in this world, and we will be better because of it. It is through suffering that we grow closer to God, and it is through suffering that we get a little closer to Heaven. Aside from receiving the Body of Christ in the Blessed Sacrament, there is no other way that we can be more unified with Christ than through suffering. He suffered for us, and He is calling us to suffer with Him so that we can more intimately know Him - we can relate to Him more easily and understand on a very small level what He did for us. The thought that Jesus suffered for us on the cross is so abstract - that is until we have a little bit of suffering. It gives us something concrete to understand. That concrete memory paired with the knowledge that our suffering is but a very, very small fraction of what Our Lord suffered for us helps us appreciate what He did for us that much more. I always seem to forget this. I get used to my day to day living that doesn't involve tremendous suffering, and I start slipping and trying to avoid any suffering whatsoever. I become prideful and think that I can actually control what happens and avoid suffering (and keep my family from suffering). How in the world can I let Christ in if I am closing myself off, not letting go and not trusting in Him. I can't see His beautiful face if I am busy covering my eyes out of fear and worry! He can't catch me and hold me close if I refuse to let go and allow myself to fall into His arms!
Okay, breathe.... This is what I need to do. I need to call out to Him. He is forcing me to let go - I need to embrace that. I need to call out to my Blessed Mother and ask her to wrap my children in her mantle and hold them close to her tender and motherly heart. Then I need to ask her to wrap me up as well - cradle me in her loving embrace, wipe away my tears, and carry me to her loving Son. Together we will gaze upon His beautiful face and I will feel His Divine Mercy surround me. I am safe. My children are safe. We will be fine. Yes, we are all going to face pain in this world, and I will probably feel more pain as my children leave and everyday that they are gone. But I can do this, and I can grow closer to God through this. I can cling to Him through the sacraments that He left me in His Church, especially Holy Mass, the Blessed Sacrament, and Confession. We are so blessed with all that He gives us.
That is my glimpse of Heaven - that is probably more like a downright gaze - God's loving mercy surrounding me. His gentle guidance forcing me to let go and allow Him to catch us all. I am gazing into Heaven as I let go and learn this lesson. If I can do that, my children can follow my example and recognize Heaven when they see it as they suffer in this imperfect world. I can't keep them safe from hurt, but I can give them the tools to grow closer to God in the hurt that they will inevitably face. I have to start with myself.
Yes, this middle of the night therapy blogging session is helping. No more wallowing!!! I hope that the people who know me will remind me of this blog post and this lesson that I am supposed to learn if they see me starting to wallow in self pity! :-) Really, my suffering is so minimal, and I do realize that (now that I am thinking with a more clear head). So, with my perspective focused (for now), I am off to bed with the hopes of at least a little bit of sleep. Good night to all and God bless!!
There was a time that I told myself that having my kids leave would get easier. I would get used to it and we would just move on. It hasn't gotten easier, and I haven't gotten used to it. I hate it. I feel as if a piece of myself is being torn away for 42 days. It hurts and it stinks. I dread this day all year long, and it doesn't get any easier.
I have been lying awake unable to sleep, and after having yet another worry fill my mind with some other terrible scenario, I decided to get up and do something more productive. I need to do something worth doing and quit worrying. Why am I doing this online? Well, because this is my Glimpses of Heaven blog. When I write on this blog it forces me to open my eyes to God's goodness. This blog is my tool for keeping my perspective where it is supposed to be. I can't wallow in my melancholy if I am typing for my blog - I have to be good and look for the lesson that God is wanting me to learn by allowing this suffering in my life. For better or worse, here I go....
Suffering is a part of life. There are so many people in this world who have sufferings that are so much worse than mine. So, why is God allowing this particular suffering in my life? I'll tell you why. He is forcing me to let go. I have such a hard time letting go and just trusting. I am a worrier by nature (I get it honestly - it must be genetic in my family). I try to think of every possible bad scenario and safeguard against it. I hardly ever take risks, and when I do they are very calculated. I like to plan and know what to expect, and surprises (even good ones) tend to make me uneasy. So, in the way only God can work, He is forcing me to let go. He is taking the circumstances in my life and making the greater good come from them. No, this is not ideal, but these are the circumstances in my life for lots of reasons. God is allowing those circumstances because He is choosing to use them to bring me closer to Him. He is forcing me to learn a lesson that I need to learn. He is taking my stubborn persistence in my refusal to trust and pretty much leaving me no option BUT to trust in Him.
I need to learn this lesson because there is no way I can safeguard myself and my family against everything. We are all going to face things that will be hard, and some of those things are going to hurt. We are all going to suffer, but (as long as we are staying in the state of grace and open to God's will) we are never going to be called to suffer more than we can handle. He will always be there for me, for my children, for my husband, and for everyone. As long as we haven't closed ourselves off to God's grace (through mortal sin) we will have what we need to face whatever we need to face in this world, and we will be better because of it. It is through suffering that we grow closer to God, and it is through suffering that we get a little closer to Heaven. Aside from receiving the Body of Christ in the Blessed Sacrament, there is no other way that we can be more unified with Christ than through suffering. He suffered for us, and He is calling us to suffer with Him so that we can more intimately know Him - we can relate to Him more easily and understand on a very small level what He did for us. The thought that Jesus suffered for us on the cross is so abstract - that is until we have a little bit of suffering. It gives us something concrete to understand. That concrete memory paired with the knowledge that our suffering is but a very, very small fraction of what Our Lord suffered for us helps us appreciate what He did for us that much more. I always seem to forget this. I get used to my day to day living that doesn't involve tremendous suffering, and I start slipping and trying to avoid any suffering whatsoever. I become prideful and think that I can actually control what happens and avoid suffering (and keep my family from suffering). How in the world can I let Christ in if I am closing myself off, not letting go and not trusting in Him. I can't see His beautiful face if I am busy covering my eyes out of fear and worry! He can't catch me and hold me close if I refuse to let go and allow myself to fall into His arms!
Okay, breathe.... This is what I need to do. I need to call out to Him. He is forcing me to let go - I need to embrace that. I need to call out to my Blessed Mother and ask her to wrap my children in her mantle and hold them close to her tender and motherly heart. Then I need to ask her to wrap me up as well - cradle me in her loving embrace, wipe away my tears, and carry me to her loving Son. Together we will gaze upon His beautiful face and I will feel His Divine Mercy surround me. I am safe. My children are safe. We will be fine. Yes, we are all going to face pain in this world, and I will probably feel more pain as my children leave and everyday that they are gone. But I can do this, and I can grow closer to God through this. I can cling to Him through the sacraments that He left me in His Church, especially Holy Mass, the Blessed Sacrament, and Confession. We are so blessed with all that He gives us.
That is my glimpse of Heaven - that is probably more like a downright gaze - God's loving mercy surrounding me. His gentle guidance forcing me to let go and allow Him to catch us all. I am gazing into Heaven as I let go and learn this lesson. If I can do that, my children can follow my example and recognize Heaven when they see it as they suffer in this imperfect world. I can't keep them safe from hurt, but I can give them the tools to grow closer to God in the hurt that they will inevitably face. I have to start with myself.
Yes, this middle of the night therapy blogging session is helping. No more wallowing!!! I hope that the people who know me will remind me of this blog post and this lesson that I am supposed to learn if they see me starting to wallow in self pity! :-) Really, my suffering is so minimal, and I do realize that (now that I am thinking with a more clear head). So, with my perspective focused (for now), I am off to bed with the hopes of at least a little bit of sleep. Good night to all and God bless!!
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