Yes, I think I need a new hat. I was thinking about it the other day. I, like many of the wives and mothers that I know, have to constantly wear a wide variety of hats. The problem is, I think that I may need to replace a few. My maid hat got dirty when all of my laundry got piled on top of it. My chef hat fell off - probably when I was leaning out of my car window to order fast food. My organization hat got lost in all of the paperwork that I've been needing to file for the past six months, and I completely forgot to order my household manager hat altogether.
My wife hat and mother hat are both beautiful and quite prized possessions of mine, but I sometimes have a hard time balancing them both on my head. I haven't quite figured out the knack of giving each the proper amount of attention so that both of the hats sit perfectly where they are supposed to and are content in their spots on my head.
My friend and confidant hat sometimes gets buried when I am trying to balance the above mentioned hats. The patience hat that I should wear all of the time, even for total strangers, sometimes seems to turn into ashes when my irritation flames up (particularly when I am trying to drive in traffic, which usually coincides with the baby screaming to be let out of his car seat).
I lost my thinking cap a long time ago. I think it got buried somewhere between lack of sleep and the hormonal changes that came with pregnancy. (The epidural and pain killers that I got during labor - you know, the ones I was SO determined not to get while I was planning said labor - probably contributed to the loss of some brian cells as well.)
So, you see, I need to get a new hat. One that has a giant "S" on top. This one I should be able to put on after I duck into a phone booth after hearing calls of distress. I'm not sure how much it would cost, but it seems that it would be worth every penny it I could just save up enough to buy it.
On second thought, maybe I should just keep all of the others. Maybe - if I play my cards right, say my prayers, offer everything up, and just keep on keepin' on - maybe I can just trade them all in for a halo one day. Hmm - maybe that's what God had in mind when He gave me all of those hats to wear to begin with. Now THAT would be a great thought. Well, it would be a great thought if I could just find that darn thinking cap.....
Friday, September 16, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
When My Guardian Angel is Blunt
Yup! Another middle of the night blog post. It seems that this is probably going to be the trend for me. For some reason my inspirations for what I want to write seem to come when I should be sleeping. Hmm - I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that the middle of the night is the only time that I actually have to myself...
Speaking to having time to myself (or lack thereof), I am going to do what lots of females do. I am going to vent. Sort of. Have you ever had one of those days? Everything seems to go wrong? Yup. Well for us it has seemed to be one of those couple of weeks. The final straw for me was shoes. (Doesn't it always come down to shoes?) Of course all of the stuff leading up to it set it up for this - lots of stress, husband working insanely long work hours in the biggest heat wave of the past several decades, mama having no time at all (NO TIME) to herself, having to rob Peter to pay Paul, the house that never seems to be clean no matter what, the endless list of things that absolutely have to be done right now (and not enough time to do any of them at all, let alone right now), etc, etc, etc. It all finally came down to shoes.
You see, there was this pair of shoes that I tried on at the beginning of the summer. They were perfect - feminine and pretty, yet comfortable. The perfect mix of outdoorsy yet beautiful, and they just fit my personality. To top it off, they made my feet look pretty (and yes, pretty feet translates to me feeling pretty all over). Although they were not overly expensive, they were simply not in the budget at the time. So I put them back and reminded myself that material things are not what leads to happiness. But I have not forgotten about them. Just tonight (yes, when I should have been sleeping) I looked them up online and lo and behold, they were on sale! Significantly reduced to a price that just might be feasable! I was so excited that I wanted to wake up my husband and tell him (but I didn't of course). Then the realization hit. Something in the back of my mind told me to make sure they had my size. So, already knowing what I was probably going to find, I went back and looked it up. Sure enough, they did not have anything even remotely close to my size left. Since they are on super clearance it told me that they won't be getting anymore either. That's it - no more chance at the perfect shoes - not even if I somehow find a way to pay full price.
Then the pity party started. Of course I don't usually get this emotional over shoes, it was just the final straw that just sent me over the edge. About that time I heard the baby starting to wake up so I went in to get him back to sleep. Laying in the dark, feeling ultimately sorry for myself, my Guardian Angel reminded me of something.
Earlier tonight I made the effort to go to Mass. During his homily the priest said something that made sense. He said that even when we are suffering, we can have peace by abandoning ourselves to God's Will. Of course I have heard this before, but the way this particular priest said it hit me in a certain way. He said that no matter how hard, we can let ourselves relax and simply trust in God's Divine Wisdom. Whenever we suffer, there is some reason. Even if we can't see it, there is definitely a reason and it is always for our own good. We can relax and simply trust.
Well, that thought was exactly what I needed to hear (um, think?). Just trust and relax. It will all be okay. This turn in my thought process led to other thoughts and reminders. Thoughts like the fact that stressful situations always seem to work themselves out. I remembered specific situations that seemed so very hopeless when I was going through them that simply worked themselves out. I remembered the reason that I have a tight budget to begin with and how I wouldn't trade that reason for all of the perfect shoes in the world. I remembered how very, very thankful I am to be able to spend every moment with our precious baby and even though I sometimes feel like I want time to myself, when I get it I just want to run back and be with my family. I remembered that I have an amazing husband who is exactly on the same page as I am with every singe important issue, and he doesn't expect me to work outside of our home and have to leave the children because he understands how important that is to both of us. I remembered that just a couple of days ago my husband commented that although we aren't just having an overabundance of money right now, God has always, always taken care of us and we have never done without the things that we needed. We have also been able to get many of the things that were not necessities - things we just wanted.
Yes, everything is going to be okay. They might not always be easy, but when they aren't easy there is a reason. There is something better for us - something better for our family, something better around the bend, an opportuity to grow in virtue, something better for our souls - the list could go on and on. No matter what though, there is something better and we (mostly I) need to just let go and trust. I need to relax and lean on God - let Him work. Hush and quit my complaining. For Heaven's sake - they were only shoes!
My Guardian Angel is awsome. He stopped me from my pity party path that would have just left me feeling worse, which would have in turn left my family feeling worse. I have found that the old saying that when Mama ain't happy, nobody is happy is completely true. The mother truly is the heart of the home, and it really is my responsibility to keep the spirits up so we can all have a peaceful and happy home.
Trials are trials and they will come. Those trials, though, will leave us better off, but it is going to have to start with me. Even when I am feeling weak, I will have what I need in order to step up and face everything. Sometimes God (and His helpers, such as my Guardian Angel) will be blunt with me and help me when I am too self absorbed to ask for the help. Other times I will recognize His loving hand in my life because I asked for the help. Regardless, I really can just let go and relax. Trust is such a beautiful thing!
So, with those thoughts, I am going to say some prayers and try to go to sleep. Tomorrow might not be easy, but that's okay. If I start feeling down again, I will just have to remind myself to read the blog post...
(P.S. If I made grammatical errors and horrendous run-on sentences, please forgive me. I wanted to get everything down before I forgot it. I really do need to have it written out so I can re-read it and regain focus. Plus, it is the middle of the night and I am not on the top of my writing game. So please bear with the mistakes and try to understand the overall meaning of what I was trying to say. Oh, and know that typing the word "ain't" came very near making me physically ill.... :-)
Speaking to having time to myself (or lack thereof), I am going to do what lots of females do. I am going to vent. Sort of. Have you ever had one of those days? Everything seems to go wrong? Yup. Well for us it has seemed to be one of those couple of weeks. The final straw for me was shoes. (Doesn't it always come down to shoes?) Of course all of the stuff leading up to it set it up for this - lots of stress, husband working insanely long work hours in the biggest heat wave of the past several decades, mama having no time at all (NO TIME) to herself, having to rob Peter to pay Paul, the house that never seems to be clean no matter what, the endless list of things that absolutely have to be done right now (and not enough time to do any of them at all, let alone right now), etc, etc, etc. It all finally came down to shoes.
You see, there was this pair of shoes that I tried on at the beginning of the summer. They were perfect - feminine and pretty, yet comfortable. The perfect mix of outdoorsy yet beautiful, and they just fit my personality. To top it off, they made my feet look pretty (and yes, pretty feet translates to me feeling pretty all over). Although they were not overly expensive, they were simply not in the budget at the time. So I put them back and reminded myself that material things are not what leads to happiness. But I have not forgotten about them. Just tonight (yes, when I should have been sleeping) I looked them up online and lo and behold, they were on sale! Significantly reduced to a price that just might be feasable! I was so excited that I wanted to wake up my husband and tell him (but I didn't of course). Then the realization hit. Something in the back of my mind told me to make sure they had my size. So, already knowing what I was probably going to find, I went back and looked it up. Sure enough, they did not have anything even remotely close to my size left. Since they are on super clearance it told me that they won't be getting anymore either. That's it - no more chance at the perfect shoes - not even if I somehow find a way to pay full price.
Then the pity party started. Of course I don't usually get this emotional over shoes, it was just the final straw that just sent me over the edge. About that time I heard the baby starting to wake up so I went in to get him back to sleep. Laying in the dark, feeling ultimately sorry for myself, my Guardian Angel reminded me of something.
Earlier tonight I made the effort to go to Mass. During his homily the priest said something that made sense. He said that even when we are suffering, we can have peace by abandoning ourselves to God's Will. Of course I have heard this before, but the way this particular priest said it hit me in a certain way. He said that no matter how hard, we can let ourselves relax and simply trust in God's Divine Wisdom. Whenever we suffer, there is some reason. Even if we can't see it, there is definitely a reason and it is always for our own good. We can relax and simply trust.
Well, that thought was exactly what I needed to hear (um, think?). Just trust and relax. It will all be okay. This turn in my thought process led to other thoughts and reminders. Thoughts like the fact that stressful situations always seem to work themselves out. I remembered specific situations that seemed so very hopeless when I was going through them that simply worked themselves out. I remembered the reason that I have a tight budget to begin with and how I wouldn't trade that reason for all of the perfect shoes in the world. I remembered how very, very thankful I am to be able to spend every moment with our precious baby and even though I sometimes feel like I want time to myself, when I get it I just want to run back and be with my family. I remembered that I have an amazing husband who is exactly on the same page as I am with every singe important issue, and he doesn't expect me to work outside of our home and have to leave the children because he understands how important that is to both of us. I remembered that just a couple of days ago my husband commented that although we aren't just having an overabundance of money right now, God has always, always taken care of us and we have never done without the things that we needed. We have also been able to get many of the things that were not necessities - things we just wanted.
Yes, everything is going to be okay. They might not always be easy, but when they aren't easy there is a reason. There is something better for us - something better for our family, something better around the bend, an opportuity to grow in virtue, something better for our souls - the list could go on and on. No matter what though, there is something better and we (mostly I) need to just let go and trust. I need to relax and lean on God - let Him work. Hush and quit my complaining. For Heaven's sake - they were only shoes!
My Guardian Angel is awsome. He stopped me from my pity party path that would have just left me feeling worse, which would have in turn left my family feeling worse. I have found that the old saying that when Mama ain't happy, nobody is happy is completely true. The mother truly is the heart of the home, and it really is my responsibility to keep the spirits up so we can all have a peaceful and happy home.
Trials are trials and they will come. Those trials, though, will leave us better off, but it is going to have to start with me. Even when I am feeling weak, I will have what I need in order to step up and face everything. Sometimes God (and His helpers, such as my Guardian Angel) will be blunt with me and help me when I am too self absorbed to ask for the help. Other times I will recognize His loving hand in my life because I asked for the help. Regardless, I really can just let go and relax. Trust is such a beautiful thing!
So, with those thoughts, I am going to say some prayers and try to go to sleep. Tomorrow might not be easy, but that's okay. If I start feeling down again, I will just have to remind myself to read the blog post...
(P.S. If I made grammatical errors and horrendous run-on sentences, please forgive me. I wanted to get everything down before I forgot it. I really do need to have it written out so I can re-read it and regain focus. Plus, it is the middle of the night and I am not on the top of my writing game. So please bear with the mistakes and try to understand the overall meaning of what I was trying to say. Oh, and know that typing the word "ain't" came very near making me physically ill.... :-)
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Does My Baby Think We Are Praying to Him?
I had this thought the other day. When we all sit down at the table getting ready to eat, we always pray first. Lately, we make the Sign of the Cross, fold our hands, and then all turn and face the baby - every single one of us. Of course we are doing this so that he can learn to fold his hands and pray as well, but after seeing that cute little smile the thought came to me that he thinks we are praying to him! Yikes!!
What in the world are we going to do about this? I am suddently getting images of that little plankton from Spnge Bob running through my head. Do you know the one? That plankton that is always trying to steal the hamburger recipe so that he can control the public and rule the world. He's always proclaiming that he is going to rule the world in a loud voice and then there is an added lightning strike to contribute to the drama (or something similar). Yes, that plankton. Is my son going to be plotting world domination before his third birthday?
When I think about it, he pretty much rules the house. Of course there are things he is not allowed to do and places he is not allowed to go, but I'm not sure that he realizes this fact. His older brother and sister have their rooms and their toys that they don't have to share, but they keep their doors closed and the toys they don't want to share in their rooms behind those closed doors. The baby is none the wiser of what he doesn't get to play with. When he isn't allowed to have something, we take it away but then always distract him and give him something he can have instead. Our whole household centers around him - sleeping patterns, eating patterns, how we arrange the furniture and even plan our days. He is constantly the center of attention. He simply has to pull up on his little walker wagon and push it across the living room floor and he will recieve a round of applause. Everything he says to us we repeat back to him and encourage. Imagine the power of getting two grown adults and an older brother and sister to say the same thing at the same time - all simply by saying a word once. If he points that cute little chubby finger, he instantly has four people running to get what he is pointing to.
The thing is, he is just so darn cute! Those big blue eyes can make you melt with just a glance. His sweet little smile could change the hardest heart! He really is such a sweetheart - giving kisses and precious smiles all of the time. When he looks at you and says your name (or what he calls you) it has an immediate effect - you feel like a million dollars! He is a very happy baby and such a joy to be around. You can't help but smile when you are in his presence.
Maybe that is just it. He is happy and confident because he knows he is loved. This really is the only time in his little life that is relatively free from major suffering - he hasn't had to realize that life is hard yet. Maybe God set it up that way on purpose. After he hits the harder times in life, he will be able to look back and know those feelings of security and love and confidence. This time for him is his little glimpse of what awaits him in Heaven one day, and memories of this will get him through the hard times of life and keep him striving towards the ulitmate goal - happiness in Heaven. God is giving us the graces to have patience so that He can work through us and allow our baby to feel His love for him through us.
Ok, so I am happy with that! However, I need to find a way to show him balance. Along with the security, he also needs to understand humility and virtue. Although he is probably too young to understand those concepts right now, it is something we need to make sure and instill as soon as the time is right. It really is the only way he can find happiness in this world, and we need to show him how much we love him by giving him those extremely valuable tools! Spoiling our baby is certainly not going to be giving him glimpses of Heaven or giving him the tools to find happiness in this world or the next. I guess my husband and I need to start praying now for the wisdom to find the balance between giving him the love and security that he needs without overly spoiling him or cripling him spiritually.
For now I think we will continue enjoying this precious little gift - our own little glimpse of Heaven. We are going to continue letting him know how loved he is, how proud we are of him, and we will continue giving him the confidence that he needs. Okay - we may need to change how we pray - maybe start facing the Crucifix that hangs next to our kitchen table when we pray instead of the baby..... :-) I'm sure (and I hope!) God, in His wisdom, will help us when the time comes by sending one of those natural virtue and character builders - a little brother or sister!
What in the world are we going to do about this? I am suddently getting images of that little plankton from Spnge Bob running through my head. Do you know the one? That plankton that is always trying to steal the hamburger recipe so that he can control the public and rule the world. He's always proclaiming that he is going to rule the world in a loud voice and then there is an added lightning strike to contribute to the drama (or something similar). Yes, that plankton. Is my son going to be plotting world domination before his third birthday?
When I think about it, he pretty much rules the house. Of course there are things he is not allowed to do and places he is not allowed to go, but I'm not sure that he realizes this fact. His older brother and sister have their rooms and their toys that they don't have to share, but they keep their doors closed and the toys they don't want to share in their rooms behind those closed doors. The baby is none the wiser of what he doesn't get to play with. When he isn't allowed to have something, we take it away but then always distract him and give him something he can have instead. Our whole household centers around him - sleeping patterns, eating patterns, how we arrange the furniture and even plan our days. He is constantly the center of attention. He simply has to pull up on his little walker wagon and push it across the living room floor and he will recieve a round of applause. Everything he says to us we repeat back to him and encourage. Imagine the power of getting two grown adults and an older brother and sister to say the same thing at the same time - all simply by saying a word once. If he points that cute little chubby finger, he instantly has four people running to get what he is pointing to.
The thing is, he is just so darn cute! Those big blue eyes can make you melt with just a glance. His sweet little smile could change the hardest heart! He really is such a sweetheart - giving kisses and precious smiles all of the time. When he looks at you and says your name (or what he calls you) it has an immediate effect - you feel like a million dollars! He is a very happy baby and such a joy to be around. You can't help but smile when you are in his presence.
Maybe that is just it. He is happy and confident because he knows he is loved. This really is the only time in his little life that is relatively free from major suffering - he hasn't had to realize that life is hard yet. Maybe God set it up that way on purpose. After he hits the harder times in life, he will be able to look back and know those feelings of security and love and confidence. This time for him is his little glimpse of what awaits him in Heaven one day, and memories of this will get him through the hard times of life and keep him striving towards the ulitmate goal - happiness in Heaven. God is giving us the graces to have patience so that He can work through us and allow our baby to feel His love for him through us.
Ok, so I am happy with that! However, I need to find a way to show him balance. Along with the security, he also needs to understand humility and virtue. Although he is probably too young to understand those concepts right now, it is something we need to make sure and instill as soon as the time is right. It really is the only way he can find happiness in this world, and we need to show him how much we love him by giving him those extremely valuable tools! Spoiling our baby is certainly not going to be giving him glimpses of Heaven or giving him the tools to find happiness in this world or the next. I guess my husband and I need to start praying now for the wisdom to find the balance between giving him the love and security that he needs without overly spoiling him or cripling him spiritually.
For now I think we will continue enjoying this precious little gift - our own little glimpse of Heaven. We are going to continue letting him know how loved he is, how proud we are of him, and we will continue giving him the confidence that he needs. Okay - we may need to change how we pray - maybe start facing the Crucifix that hangs next to our kitchen table when we pray instead of the baby..... :-) I'm sure (and I hope!) God, in His wisdom, will help us when the time comes by sending one of those natural virtue and character builders - a little brother or sister!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Middle of the Night Therapy Blogging Session
I haven't posted in forever. I know it. A combination of lack of sleep with a silly baby, end of the year finals to give to the kids, and a broken charge cord for my computer have all contributed to my lack of posting. However, as of this moment I have a sleeping baby, two kids that are finished (just about) with all of their school work, and I am using my husband's computer (which I don't like as much as mine, but I am learning to use until my new charge cord comes in and I can switch back over). Why, you may be asking, am I up in the middle of the night and blogging? Well, this isn't just any night. It is the wee hours of the morning of June 15. THE June 15 - the dreaded June 15. I really hate this day more than just about any other day of the year. This is the day that my two older kids leave for their summer visit with their father.
There was a time that I told myself that having my kids leave would get easier. I would get used to it and we would just move on. It hasn't gotten easier, and I haven't gotten used to it. I hate it. I feel as if a piece of myself is being torn away for 42 days. It hurts and it stinks. I dread this day all year long, and it doesn't get any easier.
I have been lying awake unable to sleep, and after having yet another worry fill my mind with some other terrible scenario, I decided to get up and do something more productive. I need to do something worth doing and quit worrying. Why am I doing this online? Well, because this is my Glimpses of Heaven blog. When I write on this blog it forces me to open my eyes to God's goodness. This blog is my tool for keeping my perspective where it is supposed to be. I can't wallow in my melancholy if I am typing for my blog - I have to be good and look for the lesson that God is wanting me to learn by allowing this suffering in my life. For better or worse, here I go....
Suffering is a part of life. There are so many people in this world who have sufferings that are so much worse than mine. So, why is God allowing this particular suffering in my life? I'll tell you why. He is forcing me to let go. I have such a hard time letting go and just trusting. I am a worrier by nature (I get it honestly - it must be genetic in my family). I try to think of every possible bad scenario and safeguard against it. I hardly ever take risks, and when I do they are very calculated. I like to plan and know what to expect, and surprises (even good ones) tend to make me uneasy. So, in the way only God can work, He is forcing me to let go. He is taking the circumstances in my life and making the greater good come from them. No, this is not ideal, but these are the circumstances in my life for lots of reasons. God is allowing those circumstances because He is choosing to use them to bring me closer to Him. He is forcing me to learn a lesson that I need to learn. He is taking my stubborn persistence in my refusal to trust and pretty much leaving me no option BUT to trust in Him.
I need to learn this lesson because there is no way I can safeguard myself and my family against everything. We are all going to face things that will be hard, and some of those things are going to hurt. We are all going to suffer, but (as long as we are staying in the state of grace and open to God's will) we are never going to be called to suffer more than we can handle. He will always be there for me, for my children, for my husband, and for everyone. As long as we haven't closed ourselves off to God's grace (through mortal sin) we will have what we need to face whatever we need to face in this world, and we will be better because of it. It is through suffering that we grow closer to God, and it is through suffering that we get a little closer to Heaven. Aside from receiving the Body of Christ in the Blessed Sacrament, there is no other way that we can be more unified with Christ than through suffering. He suffered for us, and He is calling us to suffer with Him so that we can more intimately know Him - we can relate to Him more easily and understand on a very small level what He did for us. The thought that Jesus suffered for us on the cross is so abstract - that is until we have a little bit of suffering. It gives us something concrete to understand. That concrete memory paired with the knowledge that our suffering is but a very, very small fraction of what Our Lord suffered for us helps us appreciate what He did for us that much more. I always seem to forget this. I get used to my day to day living that doesn't involve tremendous suffering, and I start slipping and trying to avoid any suffering whatsoever. I become prideful and think that I can actually control what happens and avoid suffering (and keep my family from suffering). How in the world can I let Christ in if I am closing myself off, not letting go and not trusting in Him. I can't see His beautiful face if I am busy covering my eyes out of fear and worry! He can't catch me and hold me close if I refuse to let go and allow myself to fall into His arms!
Okay, breathe.... This is what I need to do. I need to call out to Him. He is forcing me to let go - I need to embrace that. I need to call out to my Blessed Mother and ask her to wrap my children in her mantle and hold them close to her tender and motherly heart. Then I need to ask her to wrap me up as well - cradle me in her loving embrace, wipe away my tears, and carry me to her loving Son. Together we will gaze upon His beautiful face and I will feel His Divine Mercy surround me. I am safe. My children are safe. We will be fine. Yes, we are all going to face pain in this world, and I will probably feel more pain as my children leave and everyday that they are gone. But I can do this, and I can grow closer to God through this. I can cling to Him through the sacraments that He left me in His Church, especially Holy Mass, the Blessed Sacrament, and Confession. We are so blessed with all that He gives us.
That is my glimpse of Heaven - that is probably more like a downright gaze - God's loving mercy surrounding me. His gentle guidance forcing me to let go and allow Him to catch us all. I am gazing into Heaven as I let go and learn this lesson. If I can do that, my children can follow my example and recognize Heaven when they see it as they suffer in this imperfect world. I can't keep them safe from hurt, but I can give them the tools to grow closer to God in the hurt that they will inevitably face. I have to start with myself.
Yes, this middle of the night therapy blogging session is helping. No more wallowing!!! I hope that the people who know me will remind me of this blog post and this lesson that I am supposed to learn if they see me starting to wallow in self pity! :-) Really, my suffering is so minimal, and I do realize that (now that I am thinking with a more clear head). So, with my perspective focused (for now), I am off to bed with the hopes of at least a little bit of sleep. Good night to all and God bless!!
There was a time that I told myself that having my kids leave would get easier. I would get used to it and we would just move on. It hasn't gotten easier, and I haven't gotten used to it. I hate it. I feel as if a piece of myself is being torn away for 42 days. It hurts and it stinks. I dread this day all year long, and it doesn't get any easier.
I have been lying awake unable to sleep, and after having yet another worry fill my mind with some other terrible scenario, I decided to get up and do something more productive. I need to do something worth doing and quit worrying. Why am I doing this online? Well, because this is my Glimpses of Heaven blog. When I write on this blog it forces me to open my eyes to God's goodness. This blog is my tool for keeping my perspective where it is supposed to be. I can't wallow in my melancholy if I am typing for my blog - I have to be good and look for the lesson that God is wanting me to learn by allowing this suffering in my life. For better or worse, here I go....
Suffering is a part of life. There are so many people in this world who have sufferings that are so much worse than mine. So, why is God allowing this particular suffering in my life? I'll tell you why. He is forcing me to let go. I have such a hard time letting go and just trusting. I am a worrier by nature (I get it honestly - it must be genetic in my family). I try to think of every possible bad scenario and safeguard against it. I hardly ever take risks, and when I do they are very calculated. I like to plan and know what to expect, and surprises (even good ones) tend to make me uneasy. So, in the way only God can work, He is forcing me to let go. He is taking the circumstances in my life and making the greater good come from them. No, this is not ideal, but these are the circumstances in my life for lots of reasons. God is allowing those circumstances because He is choosing to use them to bring me closer to Him. He is forcing me to learn a lesson that I need to learn. He is taking my stubborn persistence in my refusal to trust and pretty much leaving me no option BUT to trust in Him.
I need to learn this lesson because there is no way I can safeguard myself and my family against everything. We are all going to face things that will be hard, and some of those things are going to hurt. We are all going to suffer, but (as long as we are staying in the state of grace and open to God's will) we are never going to be called to suffer more than we can handle. He will always be there for me, for my children, for my husband, and for everyone. As long as we haven't closed ourselves off to God's grace (through mortal sin) we will have what we need to face whatever we need to face in this world, and we will be better because of it. It is through suffering that we grow closer to God, and it is through suffering that we get a little closer to Heaven. Aside from receiving the Body of Christ in the Blessed Sacrament, there is no other way that we can be more unified with Christ than through suffering. He suffered for us, and He is calling us to suffer with Him so that we can more intimately know Him - we can relate to Him more easily and understand on a very small level what He did for us. The thought that Jesus suffered for us on the cross is so abstract - that is until we have a little bit of suffering. It gives us something concrete to understand. That concrete memory paired with the knowledge that our suffering is but a very, very small fraction of what Our Lord suffered for us helps us appreciate what He did for us that much more. I always seem to forget this. I get used to my day to day living that doesn't involve tremendous suffering, and I start slipping and trying to avoid any suffering whatsoever. I become prideful and think that I can actually control what happens and avoid suffering (and keep my family from suffering). How in the world can I let Christ in if I am closing myself off, not letting go and not trusting in Him. I can't see His beautiful face if I am busy covering my eyes out of fear and worry! He can't catch me and hold me close if I refuse to let go and allow myself to fall into His arms!
Okay, breathe.... This is what I need to do. I need to call out to Him. He is forcing me to let go - I need to embrace that. I need to call out to my Blessed Mother and ask her to wrap my children in her mantle and hold them close to her tender and motherly heart. Then I need to ask her to wrap me up as well - cradle me in her loving embrace, wipe away my tears, and carry me to her loving Son. Together we will gaze upon His beautiful face and I will feel His Divine Mercy surround me. I am safe. My children are safe. We will be fine. Yes, we are all going to face pain in this world, and I will probably feel more pain as my children leave and everyday that they are gone. But I can do this, and I can grow closer to God through this. I can cling to Him through the sacraments that He left me in His Church, especially Holy Mass, the Blessed Sacrament, and Confession. We are so blessed with all that He gives us.
That is my glimpse of Heaven - that is probably more like a downright gaze - God's loving mercy surrounding me. His gentle guidance forcing me to let go and allow Him to catch us all. I am gazing into Heaven as I let go and learn this lesson. If I can do that, my children can follow my example and recognize Heaven when they see it as they suffer in this imperfect world. I can't keep them safe from hurt, but I can give them the tools to grow closer to God in the hurt that they will inevitably face. I have to start with myself.
Yes, this middle of the night therapy blogging session is helping. No more wallowing!!! I hope that the people who know me will remind me of this blog post and this lesson that I am supposed to learn if they see me starting to wallow in self pity! :-) Really, my suffering is so minimal, and I do realize that (now that I am thinking with a more clear head). So, with my perspective focused (for now), I am off to bed with the hopes of at least a little bit of sleep. Good night to all and God bless!!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
A Tiny Update
No, I haven't forgotten about my blog.... A broken computer charger and a silly cutie (pictured above) that thinks his mama should alternate between nursing him and holding him all day have seriously hampered my blogging abilities. :-). Somehow trying to type an entire blog post from my phone (yes, an iPhone, but a phone nonetheless) seems too much for me to tackle - especially in my sleep deprived, zombie-like state. I may have to get over my exclusiveness in my mentality with my preference of computers and break down and use my husband's computer until my new charger comes in. For now, I am going to steal my bit of down time/ chocolate milk time and relax instead of trying to reprogram my Macintosh brain back into a Windows brain. Blogging will just have to wait until my kids are finished with their finals, my house is brought to a livable state again, my husband feels adequately supported, and my laundry is a small hill rather than a climbable mountain. In the mean time, this sleep deprived processor that I used to call a brain is working (slowly, but still working) and coming up with new ideas for posts in the future... God bless!!!
Monday, May 9, 2011
The Beginnings of Our Family :-)
So today is my husband's and my anniversary! It has been two very blessed years! In honor of that I thought it would be nice to tell the story of how we met - or rather, became reacquainted. A friend of mine has been telling her love story between her husband and herself on her blog (check it out - the City Wife Country Life Blog that I have the link to on the side of my page). I have enjoyed reading hers so much that I am risking seeming like a copy cat to write ours up. It seems like our anniversary is the best day to do it! :-)
So the summer was coming. Summers had been hard for me for awhile. This one was going to be challenging as well. Not only was I trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with my life, but my children were going to be away visiting their father for the majority of their time off from school. I was really dreading that! I had lots of prayer going at that point. Not only had I finished a 30 day prayer (and another 9 day novena) to St. Joseph asking for his intercession to know if I was supposed to marry and if so to be led to the person God wanted me to marry, I was also praying for some sort of miracle that the kids' father wouldn't take them for the summer (I was required by a court order to let him have his visitation if he wanted it). Well, the kids did leave, but God didn't let me down - He had his reasons for allowing this.
In order to stay distracted from the dreaded time that the kids were leaving, I planned a road trip to visit some old family friends. I had been in touch with many of them for various reason, and wanted to see them again. Also, I thought it would be a good way to stay busy and keep from missing my kids so much (and be alone in an empty house all summer). So, just after I finished my 9 day novena to St. Joseph (and not by accident, as I was going to find out) I packed up and headed to their house, which was a 9 hour drive. When I got there, it was so nice to see everyone again. I also had the opportunity to get to know one of the sons.
Of course, I had know him for a long time, but we never really kept in touch. There was never really much of a reason to keep in touch - I had mostly talked to two of the sisters (and it was one of those sisters that I was going to visit when I went). But circumstances allowed that we spent some time together, and I saw a side to this son that I had never seen before. Slowly I recognized a person with all of the qualities that I had ever wanted in a person, and all of the qualities that I thought God would want me to look for in a person. In addition, we had so much in common - the same likes and dislikes, the same types of dreams, and on and on. We even had the same type of sense of humor (it's always nice when someone laughs at your jokes). Well, my mind was blown! This was not at all what I had expected to find, and it was certainly not what I had expected when I thought God was going to have me meet the person I was supposed to be with. I was so confused!
So I kept telling myself to take a step back. I sure as heck did not want to blind myself with silly crushes and go in a direction that God did not want me to go. So I prayed - I even went to the adoration chapel in their town almost everyday. I wasn't just praying for clarification about this person, but it was certainly one of the things I was praying about! I knew that nobody in the family had expected that son and me to hit it off so well, and I wasn't even sure if he was recognizing all of the similarities that I was noticing. Then the sister I had gone to visit and I had this long conversation about the types of people we should end up with, and she commented that she thought I should end up with someone like her brother. What?! Now I was really confused! Obviously she saw the similarities between her brother and myself, but I knew she probably was not thinking that I should end up with her brother - only someone like him. The only problem was that I had never met anyone else who was like him. Those types of men just don't come around everyday. What in the world was God wanting from me?
So, again, I just prayed. Honestly, I was more than a little bit scared. I did NOT want to end up getting hurt, and I had seen so many people get hurt in circumstances like this. What in the world was going on? So I called two friends who I trusted and who I knew understood me. In all honesty, I was expecting them to tell me I was crazy and try to talk me out of even thinking of this person. Well, they didn't. They basically told me to wait and pray.
The whole time I was having these thought processes, circumstances kept allowing that I would end up spending time with that person. He offered to take me riding horses, and I of course accepted (I love horses - always have - everyone who knows me knows this is a passion of mine). We had an amazing time - he did seem to enjoy it as much as I did. I saw in this person such a sweet and respectful gentleman. He was genuinely fun to be with, and he just had so many qualities that made him such a good person. Most importantly, he was such a strong Catholic with a true love of his Faith. I could see him wearing his scapular, and I even saw him guard his eyes around an immodestly dressed girl. Wow! Yes, it impressed me to no end. At one point I mentioned that I was planning to leave to go home, he seemed truly disappointed. Then he blew my mind by promising to take me riding again if I would stay. Now, how in the world could I resist that? So, after one final trip to the adoration chapel, we had the most amazing evening ride.
Honestly, things couldn't have been more perfect. We were riding in the evening, and the lightning bugs came out. We had amazing conversation and the time seemed to just fly by. He was enjoying it just as much - he kept thinking up new places for us to ride to when it seemed like our ride was coming to an end. When we finally did head back to the house it was because he was supposed to go to a friend's party. He offered to bring me along, but I declined. I knew how that might look to his friends, and since I had no idea what he was thinking about everything I did not want to put him in that situation. Also, I didn't want to put myself in that situation and assume that he was having thoughts or feeling that he wasn't actually having. Again, I was still very confused. On the one hand I had just spent the most amazing evening with the most amazing person, but on the other hand I didn't know how he felt and didn't want to read into something that wasn't there. Was he just being sweet because I was an old family friend? It didn't seem that way, but I knew that when it comes to your feelings sometimes reality can be skewed. Again, I didn't want to get hurt by letting myself go down that road with my thoughts, and I really didn't want to ruin the potential for a great friendship by jumping to conclusions.
The next day I went home. The whole drive home I was so confused - just going over things in my mind. What in the world was God doing? Where was He leading me? What was going on? By the time I got home, I resolved just to not do anything at all - I sure as heck wasn't going to make any moves. If there were going to be moves made, he was going to have to be the one to make it.
The next day, his sister called me and told me that after I had left he had told her that he now knew the type of person he wanted to marry - someone like me! What?! Okay - well, now I knew he was at least feeling the same attraction that I was feeling and recognizing those similarities between us. But someone like me, or me? Is there anyone else like me?
I spent the rest of that summer in prayer. I went to daily Mass and prayed and prayed. Over and over again, God would let me know that I was being called to let go and trust Him. There were lots of things in my life at that point that were confusing (not just my thoughts about that visit). That was the summer that God forced me to trust Him. And I did. I didn't make any moves or do anything drastic. I just waited and lived my life. And I prayed.
Towards the end of that summer, my mom called me with a bombshell. They were going to have a family friend come live with them because he was wanting to get down to our area and find a job. Guess who that person was? Yup - you guessed it! Here he was, back in my life again. We had kept in touch just a little bit over the summer, but not much. Now he was going to be living with my parents!
After that we were able to spend more time together. Every visit was so nice and just solidified what I knew from before. We were so much alike and had so much fun together! Little things would happen that would let me know that he was thinking about me to. One time he even slipped and blew my mind with what he said. We had pulled up to a stoplight next to a car that was making a terrible sound (we were in his truck). I commented that I was glad it wasn't my car that was making that sound. Although I wasn't referring to his truck when I said that (I was thinking about my car that was parked in my parent's driveway) he thought that I was. He teasingly told me, "Hey - it's not your truck yet!" Yet? Now what in the world did he mean by that?!
Another time we had all gone to Mass with my parents. As I was kneeling down praying, I prayed that God would show me clarity and give me a sign as to what was going on with this person. (I prayed those words - please give me a sign). In the middle of my prayer, my mother came and interrupted that prayer (and she never does that) to tell me that someone had asked my sister if that person was her brother-in-law. Then she said, "Do you think it's a sign?" Yes, she said those words exactly, just moments after I had asked God in my prayer for a sign. God was smiling at that point, I just know it.
Still, though, I did not make any moves. Although he did give me little bits of insight into his thoughts, he did not make any major moves either. He did find a job and moved out. After that he would call me on a regular basis. Usually those calls came from him (I remember feeling quite shy about sending a text) because I was determined not to make any types of moves. Not only was I old fashioned like that, I also figured if God was going to lead He would lead him - not me. Our conversations became longer and longer, and once we even had a 6 hour conversation! After talking so much, it couldn't help but become more and more personal. He was so sweet and supportive. Once when I was facing a particularly difficult situation, he sent me a text telling me that he had sent his Guardian Angel to be with me to give my Guardian Angel back-up until that situation was over! I was blown away by such sweetness, protection, and Faith! This was truly one of the best men I had ever met!
In the midst of our conversations, it came up that he wanted me to come for a visit. There was a sweet little motel for me to stay in the town where he was living, and he wanted to go for another horse ride. Of course I wanted to go, but I didn't push it. I remember one time he kind of mentioned in passing that I was welcome to go at any point. I did not go up there with that. I definitely needed more than that - there was no way I was going to go running up to visit a man (even if he was such a good man) with such an ambiguous invitation. What did he mean by that? Again, was he just being sweet? There was no way I was going to throw myself at him!
After that our conversations became more frequent. It was getting to be time for Christmas, and it was time to start the St. Andrew novena. I definitely knew what one of my prayer intentions was going to be. We traded intentions (so that we could pray for each other) and he finished his list with a "special intention." I did the same thing. (Yes, he has since told me that special intention was me.) After that he would be a little more open with his feelings when we talked, and I was pretty sure I knew how he was feeling. Then he invited me to come for a visit again, but this time he said that if I would come he would pay for my motel room so I would have somewhere to stay. Now that was the invitation that I was hoping for!
No other moves were made before my visit. By that point I knew him well enough to know that he would probably wait to make any moves until we were in person. We set my visit after the Christmas holidays. During the holidays he was driving to visit his parents, and he got into a major wreck and totaled his truck. Thank goodness he was okay, but even that was an opportunity to see his feelings. The first phone call he made was to his parents. The next phone call was to me. At that point I know for sure his sister was suspecting something was between the two of us.
After the holidays, I did go on that visit. By the end of that first night, he had indeed made his move and told me his feelings. After a phone call to my father, requesting permission to court me, we were officially a couple. The rest is history! :-) We were engaged about 8 months after that (another blog post may need the story of how we were engaged - it was pretty great) and married 9 months after we were engaged.
Our story may not be just like the movies, but it was definitely wonderful. Through it all, God was teaching me to trust Him. I sure am glad that I did!
So the summer was coming. Summers had been hard for me for awhile. This one was going to be challenging as well. Not only was I trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with my life, but my children were going to be away visiting their father for the majority of their time off from school. I was really dreading that! I had lots of prayer going at that point. Not only had I finished a 30 day prayer (and another 9 day novena) to St. Joseph asking for his intercession to know if I was supposed to marry and if so to be led to the person God wanted me to marry, I was also praying for some sort of miracle that the kids' father wouldn't take them for the summer (I was required by a court order to let him have his visitation if he wanted it). Well, the kids did leave, but God didn't let me down - He had his reasons for allowing this.
In order to stay distracted from the dreaded time that the kids were leaving, I planned a road trip to visit some old family friends. I had been in touch with many of them for various reason, and wanted to see them again. Also, I thought it would be a good way to stay busy and keep from missing my kids so much (and be alone in an empty house all summer). So, just after I finished my 9 day novena to St. Joseph (and not by accident, as I was going to find out) I packed up and headed to their house, which was a 9 hour drive. When I got there, it was so nice to see everyone again. I also had the opportunity to get to know one of the sons.
Of course, I had know him for a long time, but we never really kept in touch. There was never really much of a reason to keep in touch - I had mostly talked to two of the sisters (and it was one of those sisters that I was going to visit when I went). But circumstances allowed that we spent some time together, and I saw a side to this son that I had never seen before. Slowly I recognized a person with all of the qualities that I had ever wanted in a person, and all of the qualities that I thought God would want me to look for in a person. In addition, we had so much in common - the same likes and dislikes, the same types of dreams, and on and on. We even had the same type of sense of humor (it's always nice when someone laughs at your jokes). Well, my mind was blown! This was not at all what I had expected to find, and it was certainly not what I had expected when I thought God was going to have me meet the person I was supposed to be with. I was so confused!
So I kept telling myself to take a step back. I sure as heck did not want to blind myself with silly crushes and go in a direction that God did not want me to go. So I prayed - I even went to the adoration chapel in their town almost everyday. I wasn't just praying for clarification about this person, but it was certainly one of the things I was praying about! I knew that nobody in the family had expected that son and me to hit it off so well, and I wasn't even sure if he was recognizing all of the similarities that I was noticing. Then the sister I had gone to visit and I had this long conversation about the types of people we should end up with, and she commented that she thought I should end up with someone like her brother. What?! Now I was really confused! Obviously she saw the similarities between her brother and myself, but I knew she probably was not thinking that I should end up with her brother - only someone like him. The only problem was that I had never met anyone else who was like him. Those types of men just don't come around everyday. What in the world was God wanting from me?
So, again, I just prayed. Honestly, I was more than a little bit scared. I did NOT want to end up getting hurt, and I had seen so many people get hurt in circumstances like this. What in the world was going on? So I called two friends who I trusted and who I knew understood me. In all honesty, I was expecting them to tell me I was crazy and try to talk me out of even thinking of this person. Well, they didn't. They basically told me to wait and pray.
The whole time I was having these thought processes, circumstances kept allowing that I would end up spending time with that person. He offered to take me riding horses, and I of course accepted (I love horses - always have - everyone who knows me knows this is a passion of mine). We had an amazing time - he did seem to enjoy it as much as I did. I saw in this person such a sweet and respectful gentleman. He was genuinely fun to be with, and he just had so many qualities that made him such a good person. Most importantly, he was such a strong Catholic with a true love of his Faith. I could see him wearing his scapular, and I even saw him guard his eyes around an immodestly dressed girl. Wow! Yes, it impressed me to no end. At one point I mentioned that I was planning to leave to go home, he seemed truly disappointed. Then he blew my mind by promising to take me riding again if I would stay. Now, how in the world could I resist that? So, after one final trip to the adoration chapel, we had the most amazing evening ride.
Honestly, things couldn't have been more perfect. We were riding in the evening, and the lightning bugs came out. We had amazing conversation and the time seemed to just fly by. He was enjoying it just as much - he kept thinking up new places for us to ride to when it seemed like our ride was coming to an end. When we finally did head back to the house it was because he was supposed to go to a friend's party. He offered to bring me along, but I declined. I knew how that might look to his friends, and since I had no idea what he was thinking about everything I did not want to put him in that situation. Also, I didn't want to put myself in that situation and assume that he was having thoughts or feeling that he wasn't actually having. Again, I was still very confused. On the one hand I had just spent the most amazing evening with the most amazing person, but on the other hand I didn't know how he felt and didn't want to read into something that wasn't there. Was he just being sweet because I was an old family friend? It didn't seem that way, but I knew that when it comes to your feelings sometimes reality can be skewed. Again, I didn't want to get hurt by letting myself go down that road with my thoughts, and I really didn't want to ruin the potential for a great friendship by jumping to conclusions.
The next day I went home. The whole drive home I was so confused - just going over things in my mind. What in the world was God doing? Where was He leading me? What was going on? By the time I got home, I resolved just to not do anything at all - I sure as heck wasn't going to make any moves. If there were going to be moves made, he was going to have to be the one to make it.
The next day, his sister called me and told me that after I had left he had told her that he now knew the type of person he wanted to marry - someone like me! What?! Okay - well, now I knew he was at least feeling the same attraction that I was feeling and recognizing those similarities between us. But someone like me, or me? Is there anyone else like me?
I spent the rest of that summer in prayer. I went to daily Mass and prayed and prayed. Over and over again, God would let me know that I was being called to let go and trust Him. There were lots of things in my life at that point that were confusing (not just my thoughts about that visit). That was the summer that God forced me to trust Him. And I did. I didn't make any moves or do anything drastic. I just waited and lived my life. And I prayed.
Towards the end of that summer, my mom called me with a bombshell. They were going to have a family friend come live with them because he was wanting to get down to our area and find a job. Guess who that person was? Yup - you guessed it! Here he was, back in my life again. We had kept in touch just a little bit over the summer, but not much. Now he was going to be living with my parents!
After that we were able to spend more time together. Every visit was so nice and just solidified what I knew from before. We were so much alike and had so much fun together! Little things would happen that would let me know that he was thinking about me to. One time he even slipped and blew my mind with what he said. We had pulled up to a stoplight next to a car that was making a terrible sound (we were in his truck). I commented that I was glad it wasn't my car that was making that sound. Although I wasn't referring to his truck when I said that (I was thinking about my car that was parked in my parent's driveway) he thought that I was. He teasingly told me, "Hey - it's not your truck yet!" Yet? Now what in the world did he mean by that?!
Another time we had all gone to Mass with my parents. As I was kneeling down praying, I prayed that God would show me clarity and give me a sign as to what was going on with this person. (I prayed those words - please give me a sign). In the middle of my prayer, my mother came and interrupted that prayer (and she never does that) to tell me that someone had asked my sister if that person was her brother-in-law. Then she said, "Do you think it's a sign?" Yes, she said those words exactly, just moments after I had asked God in my prayer for a sign. God was smiling at that point, I just know it.
Still, though, I did not make any moves. Although he did give me little bits of insight into his thoughts, he did not make any major moves either. He did find a job and moved out. After that he would call me on a regular basis. Usually those calls came from him (I remember feeling quite shy about sending a text) because I was determined not to make any types of moves. Not only was I old fashioned like that, I also figured if God was going to lead He would lead him - not me. Our conversations became longer and longer, and once we even had a 6 hour conversation! After talking so much, it couldn't help but become more and more personal. He was so sweet and supportive. Once when I was facing a particularly difficult situation, he sent me a text telling me that he had sent his Guardian Angel to be with me to give my Guardian Angel back-up until that situation was over! I was blown away by such sweetness, protection, and Faith! This was truly one of the best men I had ever met!
In the midst of our conversations, it came up that he wanted me to come for a visit. There was a sweet little motel for me to stay in the town where he was living, and he wanted to go for another horse ride. Of course I wanted to go, but I didn't push it. I remember one time he kind of mentioned in passing that I was welcome to go at any point. I did not go up there with that. I definitely needed more than that - there was no way I was going to go running up to visit a man (even if he was such a good man) with such an ambiguous invitation. What did he mean by that? Again, was he just being sweet? There was no way I was going to throw myself at him!
After that our conversations became more frequent. It was getting to be time for Christmas, and it was time to start the St. Andrew novena. I definitely knew what one of my prayer intentions was going to be. We traded intentions (so that we could pray for each other) and he finished his list with a "special intention." I did the same thing. (Yes, he has since told me that special intention was me.) After that he would be a little more open with his feelings when we talked, and I was pretty sure I knew how he was feeling. Then he invited me to come for a visit again, but this time he said that if I would come he would pay for my motel room so I would have somewhere to stay. Now that was the invitation that I was hoping for!
No other moves were made before my visit. By that point I knew him well enough to know that he would probably wait to make any moves until we were in person. We set my visit after the Christmas holidays. During the holidays he was driving to visit his parents, and he got into a major wreck and totaled his truck. Thank goodness he was okay, but even that was an opportunity to see his feelings. The first phone call he made was to his parents. The next phone call was to me. At that point I know for sure his sister was suspecting something was between the two of us.
After the holidays, I did go on that visit. By the end of that first night, he had indeed made his move and told me his feelings. After a phone call to my father, requesting permission to court me, we were officially a couple. The rest is history! :-) We were engaged about 8 months after that (another blog post may need the story of how we were engaged - it was pretty great) and married 9 months after we were engaged.
Our story may not be just like the movies, but it was definitely wonderful. Through it all, God was teaching me to trust Him. I sure am glad that I did!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
My Own Divine Mercy Story
In light of Divine Mercy Sunday coming up tomorrow, I thought it would be nice to give my own story of Divine Mercy. I posted a while back about my life and how I came to be where I am today, but I did not go into detail about how Divine Mercy played a major role in all of that. So, without further ado, here it is:
That summer was a really hard one. I had a very hard past few years that climaxed and ended with me being a newly single mother after he left. I had no desire to be with the person who left, but I did not want to be in the place that I was. I was worried for my children, very alone, and hurt that my life had ended up this way. Honestly the weight of the world just seemed so much to bear, and to think about the future left me feeling panic and hopelessness. I was working full time and having to leave my children, and at that point (since it was summer) my children were staying with my parents during the week and I would go be with them on the weekend. This was not at all the life that I wanted either for me or for my children. Again, I was alone - so very alone.After the kids started school (they went to Kindergarten - the first they had ever been in school), I found out what it was like to get up at the crack of dawn, drop off my kids at school and have to break my heart by literally pulling them off of me crying so that I could leave and go to work. Then I would work all day, feeling guilty for being away from my children. I would pick them up from the after school program, knowing that they had to be at school an extra couple of hours when most of the other kids got to go home because their mothers had picked them up when school ended. We would go home, eat whatever frozen food I had the energy to cook, get baths and go to bed. I had, at the most, about two hours a day with them - two hours at the end of the day when I was exhausted and stressed and had to do the stuff like giving them baths and feeding them. The next morning we would get up and do it all over again. It was hard to say the very least. I would live for the weekend and then spend most of Sunday dreading Monday.
Again, through all of this, I was alone - so very alone. I had everything on my shoulders - cleaning house, paying bills, working to support myself and the kids, doctors appointments, maintenance on the car, laundry, cooking, going to the grocery store, etc., etc., etc. Then there were things like tornado sirens, blackouts, freezing weather, and even a hurricane (we didn't live on the coast, but this one threatened to come pretty far inland). Again, I faced all of this alone. I didn't even know our neighbors because I was never home. I was not wanting the person who left to be there - he was never much of a support in that stuff anyway. I was wanting things to be the way they were supposed to be - women are supposed to be cherished and protected by their husbands who loves them. They are supposed to feel safe and protected. Why had my life turned out this way?
When my birthday came around I had to do something just wonderful - go see my attorney and face all of the terrible legal stuff that was coming. Then my mother called with an inspiration. There was a retreat coming up that weekend - a silent retreat that centers around Divine Mercy. This particular order of nuns and priests and brothers had devoted their lives to promoting the message of St. Faustina and Divine Mercy. When my mom suggested that, I was apprehensive. Don't get me wrong - I knew that it was special, but I just couldn't see how in the world I was going to be able to take off from work and just leave everything from Friday until Sunday. Who was going to take care of my kids and all of the many things I had to manage? She was persistent, though, and offered to take care of things for me so that I could go. That was her birthday present to me. I finally gave in and went.
That was the turning point. Up until that time I did cling to my Catholic Faith and I loved it, but it was very abstract for me. All of the things I believed because I knew that they were real, but the everyday, real life, tangible effect of that for me at the time was me saying my prayers, trying to avoid sin, reading about the lives of the saints and holy people, and going to Mass. I was blind to all of the little stuff and the ways God works everyday. Looking back, I know that I felt the effects of God working, but I just didn't recognize what it was. My Faith was more something that I did and believed because I knew it was good and holy and would lead me to Heaven, but it was not as much something that I felt - something that I experienced. Now, I know that basing your Faith off of feelings is very dangerous, and that is not at all what I am suggesting should be done here. The devil can very easily manipulate your feelings, and even without the evil one working, feelings change with the wind. What I am trying to say is more that I made my Catholic Faith personal - it was for me, not just what I read about and saw other people experiencing. I was finally understanding - truly understanding what the saints talked about - the joy and love of living their Faith. I could feel and recognize God's love around me and see Him working. Mass was an oasis, and the sacraments were gifts that I was given over and over again. I'm getting ahead of myself, though.
We started out that weekend by driving to an old convent. The little sisters (who were not of the same order as the ones running the retreat - they were just kind and charitable) let us use their rooms and even their linens. I walked in and saw the holiest people in the priest, nuns, and brother who were running the retreat. They were in full habit, and they were just not of this world. We had a meal in which Father explained to us how things worked, and then we went silent. The whole weekend was spent in prayer, listening to the various talks (and they were not boring - truly inspiring talks), attending Mass, going to Confession, spiritual direction, Adoration, and just being alone with God. The world was shut out - I was in my safe place. I was alone with Jesus, and He was protecting me - taking care of me and cherishing me. He was giving me what I was longing for. He had been wanting to do that for the longest time - how did I miss it? I was so busy with the world and the stress and the hurt that I had blinded myself to the very thing that I was wanting - Jesus waiting for me and all of His saints and angels (the ones in this world and the next) waiting for me to let them in so that they could take care of me. Christ wanted me to recognize that He was there with me the whole time - holding me and protecting me, keeping me safe, but I didn't know it because I didn't know how to see it. I wasn't alone and I never was!
I left that retreat a new person. My eyes were opened, and I had the spiritual armor that I needed to face the battles and heartache of this cold, cruel world. Later, I received in the mail the image of Divine Mercy. That image has meant so much to me. I look at it and see Jesus, with His most Sacred Heart, and the blue and red streams coming down from His heart - coming straight to me (and the rest of the world) representing all of His love and the graces and the strength and the help that He sends - His Mercy. He is so generous - His Divine Love and Mercy are truly endless - we can just let go and immerse ourselves in them - jump into this ocean of Love and just let Christ hold us and carry us through this world.
Jesus and St. Faustina (that beautiful saint who shared her story and visions so that we could recognize Divine Mercy) were not done with me, though. They both took hold of me personally - I could really and tangibly feel the prayers of St. Faustina coming down from Heaven and Christ standing by my side leading me. It's amazing how the saints find us and not the other way around. Yes, we have the people in this world who love us and who are our friends. They pray for us and help us and give us advice. The saints really do the same for us as well - they just do it from Heaven. God has blessed us with them as much as He has blessed us with the family and friends who are here on the earth with us. Well, St. Faustina found me and was my new best friend.
As my life continued it didn't just magically get easier - not at all. I did, however, have my strength to face it. A few months later I had to face a court hearing that I was dreading - one of many that I was going to have to face. I went into it afraid, but I put on my Spiritual armor of prayer, gritted my teeth, and plowed forward. Well, after we got there a delay happened with the judge and we had to wait. My attorney took that opportunity to try to come to some agreements outside of court. Would you believe that we were able to come to agreements about everything and have everything finalized right then and there. It wasn't even scheduled to be that type of hearing, and everything was wrapped up, finalized, and over - I was not going to have to face going back to court! My mom was there with me (so I wouldn't have to be alone), and when we got in the car afterward, she remembered that she had something that she needed to give me. One of my uncles, who I have not spoken with in years (and who has his own struggles) had sent me a letter. Since he didn't know my address he had sent it to my parents. I opened it and my jaw dropped. My uncle (who I did not know was even practicing his Faith) had three Masses said for me at the National Shrine of Divine Mercy. Yes, you read that right - the National Shrine of Divine Mercy in Massachusetts. Okay Jesus - I hear you!
Later, I was wanting to try to find a different career so that I didn't have to leave my children so much. Although I didn't have a teaching degree, that seemed the best option for me so that I could be at the school with them all day. Well, St. Faustina heard me, and my new best friend pretty much took my hard and led me to where I needed to be. My mother (yes, I recognize how instrumental my mother has been through all of this) was doing an internet search for me (I had a particularly hard morning and called her on my lunch break from work). She noticed the name of a school that caught her attention. The name of that school had very close ties to Divine Mercy. Anyway, my mother being my mother picked up the phone and called. That school turned out to be a tremendous blessing, filled with holy and very, very Faithful Catholics. I was blessed with a job there, and I picked up and moved. Although the pay wasn't nearly as much as I was making at my other job, God opened doors and kept my children and me safe. Not once did we go without something that we needed.
I could list miracle after miracle that my children and I experienced. From the condo that we were led to live in (the one that the owner spontaneously decided to come down on the price so that I could afford to live there, which just happened to be surrounded by very good people who turned out to be supportive and wonderful friends - right across from an adoration chapel) to the toy store gift cards that I received anonymously on St. Nicholas Day so that Christmas was beyond taken care of for my children, God just kept blessing us and blessing us. Of course, I have already written about one of the very best miracles and blessings - my sweet husband who happened to come back into my life exactly as the Church granted an annulment and I knew that I might be called to marry. (Yes, I did say back into my life - that is another story that will have to wait for another blog post.)
It's amazing how God can bring the greater good into any situation, no matter how hopeless it may seem. Divine Mercy Sunday is, obviously, quite special to me. Although the traditional meaning of Divine Mercy is the fact that we can attain Heaven, there are so many ways to experience Divine Mercy while we are still on this earth. I hope everyone else is able to experience and recognize this Divine Mercy in their lives as much as I have been able to have it in mine. Happy Divine Mercy Sunday (almost!). :-)
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