Will Someone PLEASE Take Me To A Hat Store?

     Yes, I think I need a new hat.  I was thinking about it the other day.  I, like many of the wives and mothers that I know, have to constantly wear a wide variety of hats.  The problem is, I think that I may need to replace a few.  My maid hat got dirty when all of my laundry got piled on top of it.  My chef hat fell off - probably when I was leaning out of my car window to order fast food.  My organization hat got lost in all of the paperwork that I've been needing to file for the past six months, and I completely forgot to order my household manager hat altogether.
     My wife hat and mother hat are both beautiful and quite prized possessions of mine, but I sometimes have a hard time balancing them both on my head.  I haven't quite figured out the knack of giving each the proper amount of attention so that both of the hats sit perfectly where they are supposed to and are content in their spots on my head.
     My friend and confidant hat sometimes gets buried when I am trying to balance the above mentioned hats.  The patience hat that I should wear all of the time, even for total strangers, sometimes seems to turn into ashes when my irritation flames up (particularly when I am trying to drive in traffic, which usually coincides with the baby screaming to be let out of his car seat).
     I lost my thinking cap a long time ago.  I think it got buried somewhere between lack of sleep and the hormonal changes that came with pregnancy.  (The epidural and pain killers that I got during labor - you know, the ones I was SO determined not to get while I was planning said labor -  probably contributed to the loss of some brian cells as well.)
     So, you see, I need to get a new hat.  One that has a giant "S" on top.  This one I should be able to put on after I duck into a phone booth after hearing calls of distress.  I'm not sure how much it would cost, but it seems that it would be worth every penny it I could just save up enough to buy it.
      On second thought, maybe I should just keep all of the others.  Maybe - if I play my cards right, say my prayers, offer everything up, and just keep on keepin' on - maybe I can just trade them all in for a halo one day.  Hmm - maybe that's what God had in mind when He gave me all of those hats to wear to begin with.  Now THAT would be a great thought.  Well, it would be a great thought if I could just find that darn thinking cap.....

When My Guardian Angel is Blunt

     Yup!  Another middle of the night blog post.  It seems that this is probably going to be the trend for me.  For some reason my inspirations for what I want to write seem to come when I should be sleeping.  Hmm - I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that the middle of the night is the only time that I actually have to myself...
     Speaking to having time to myself (or lack thereof), I am going to do what lots of females do.  I am going to vent.  Sort of.  Have you ever had one of those days?  Everything seems to go wrong?  Yup.  Well for us it has seemed to be one of those couple of weeks.  The final straw for me was shoes.  (Doesn't it always come down to shoes?)  Of course all of the stuff leading up to it set it up for this - lots of stress, husband working insanely long work hours in the biggest heat wave of the past several decades, mama having no time at all (NO TIME) to herself, having to rob Peter to pay Paul, the house that never seems to be clean no matter what, the endless list of things that absolutely have to be done right now (and not enough time to do any of them at all, let alone right now), etc, etc, etc.  It all finally came down to shoes. 
     You see, there was this pair of shoes that I tried on at the beginning of the summer.  They were perfect - feminine and pretty, yet comfortable.  The perfect mix of outdoorsy yet beautiful, and they just fit my personality.  To top it off, they made my feet look pretty (and yes, pretty feet translates to me feeling pretty all over).  Although they were not overly expensive, they were simply not in the budget at the time.  So I put them back and reminded myself that material things are not what leads to happiness.  But I have not forgotten about them.  Just tonight (yes, when I should have been sleeping) I looked them up online and lo and behold, they were on sale!  Significantly reduced to a price that just might be feasable!  I was so excited that I wanted to wake up my husband and tell him (but I didn't of course).  Then the realization hit.  Something in the back of my mind told me to make sure they had my size.  So, already knowing what I was probably going to find, I went back and looked it up.  Sure enough, they did not have anything even remotely close to my size left.  Since they are on super clearance it told me that they won't be getting anymore either.  That's it - no more chance at the perfect shoes - not even if I somehow find a way to pay full price.
     Then the pity party started.  Of course I don't usually get this emotional over shoes, it was just the final straw that just sent me over the edge.  About that time I heard the baby starting to wake up so I went in to get him back to sleep.  Laying in the dark, feeling ultimately sorry for myself, my Guardian Angel reminded me of something.
     Earlier tonight I made the effort to go to Mass.  During his homily the priest said something that made sense.  He said that even when we are suffering, we can have peace by abandoning ourselves to God's Will.  Of course I have heard this before, but the way this particular priest said it hit me in a certain way.  He said that no matter how hard, we can let ourselves relax and simply trust in God's Divine Wisdom.  Whenever we suffer, there is some reason.  Even if we can't see it, there is definitely a reason and it is always for our own good.  We can relax and simply trust.
     Well, that thought was exactly what I needed to hear (um, think?).  Just trust and relax.  It will all be okay.  This turn in my thought process led to other thoughts and reminders.  Thoughts like the fact that stressful situations always seem to work themselves out.  I remembered specific situations that seemed so very hopeless when I was going through them that simply worked themselves out.  I remembered the reason that I have a tight budget to begin with and how I wouldn't trade that reason for all of the perfect shoes in the world.  I remembered how very, very thankful I am to be able to spend every moment with our precious baby and even though I sometimes feel like I want time to myself, when I get it I just want to run back and be with my family.  I remembered that I have an amazing husband who is exactly on the same page as I am with every singe important issue, and he doesn't expect me to work outside of our home and have to leave the children because he understands how important that is to both of us.  I remembered that just a couple of days ago my husband commented that although we aren't just having an overabundance of money right now, God has always, always taken care of us and we have never done without the things that we needed.  We have also been able to get many of the things that were not necessities - things we just wanted.
    Yes, everything is going to be okay.  They might not always be easy, but when they aren't easy there is a reason.  There is something better for us - something better for our family, something better around the bend, an opportuity to grow in virtue, something better for our souls - the list could go on and on.  No matter what though, there is something better and we (mostly I) need to just let go and trust.  I need to relax and lean on God - let Him work.  Hush and quit my complaining.  For Heaven's sake - they were only shoes!
     My Guardian Angel is awsome.  He stopped me from my pity party path that would have just left me feeling worse, which would have in turn left my family feeling worse.  I have found that the old saying that when Mama ain't happy, nobody is happy is completely true.  The mother truly is the heart of the home, and it really is my responsibility to keep the spirits up so we can all have a peaceful and happy home. 
     Trials are trials and they will come.  Those trials, though, will leave us better off, but it is going to have to start with me.  Even when I am feeling weak, I will have what I need in order to step up and face everything.  Sometimes God (and His helpers, such as my Guardian Angel) will be blunt with me and help me when I am too self absorbed to ask for the help.  Other times I will recognize His loving hand in my life because I asked for the help.  Regardless, I really can just let go and relax.  Trust is such a beautiful thing!
     So, with those thoughts, I am going to say some prayers and try to go to sleep.  Tomorrow might not be easy, but that's okay.  If I start feeling down again, I will just have to remind myself to read the blog post...

(P.S.  If I made grammatical errors and horrendous run-on sentences, please forgive me.  I wanted to get everything down before I forgot it.  I really do need to have it written out so I can re-read it and regain focus.  Plus, it is the middle of the night and I am not on the top of my writing game. So please bear with the mistakes and try to understand the overall meaning of what I was trying to say.  Oh, and know that typing the word "ain't" came very near making me physically ill....  :-)

Does My Baby Think We Are Praying to Him?

     I had this thought the other day.  When we all sit down at the table getting ready to eat, we always pray first.  Lately, we make the Sign of the Cross, fold our hands, and then all turn and face the baby - every single one of us.  Of course we are doing this so that he can learn to fold his hands and pray as well, but after seeing that cute little smile the thought came to me that he thinks we are praying to him!  Yikes!! 
     What in the world are we going to do about this?  I am suddently getting images of that little plankton from Spnge Bob running through my head.  Do you know the one?  That plankton that is always trying to steal the hamburger recipe so that he can control the public and rule the world.  He's always proclaiming that he is going to rule the world in a loud voice and then there is an added lightning strike to contribute to the drama (or something similar).  Yes, that plankton.  Is my son going to be plotting world domination before his third birthday?
     When I think about it, he pretty much rules the house.  Of course there are things he is not allowed to do and places he is not allowed to go, but I'm not sure that he realizes this fact.  His older brother and sister have their rooms and their toys that they don't have to share, but they keep their doors closed and the toys they don't want to share in their rooms behind those closed doors.  The baby is none the wiser of what he doesn't get to play with.  When he isn't allowed to have something, we take it away but then always distract him and give him something he can have instead.  Our whole household centers around him - sleeping patterns, eating patterns, how we arrange the furniture and even plan our days.  He is constantly the center of attention.  He simply has to pull up on his little walker wagon and push it across the living room floor and he will recieve a round of applause.  Everything he says to us we repeat back to him and encourage.  Imagine the power of getting two grown adults and an older brother and sister to say the same thing at the same time - all simply by saying a word once.  If he points that cute little chubby finger, he instantly has four people running to get what he is pointing to.
     The thing is, he is just so darn cute!  Those big blue eyes can make you melt with just a glance.  His sweet little smile could change the hardest heart!  He really is such a sweetheart - giving kisses and precious smiles all of the time.  When he looks at you and says your name (or what he calls you) it has an immediate effect - you feel like a million dollars!  He is a very happy baby and such a joy to be around.  You can't help but smile when you are in his presence.
     Maybe that is just it.  He is happy and confident because he knows he is loved.  This really is the only time in his little life that is relatively free from major suffering - he hasn't had to realize that life is hard yet.  Maybe God set it up that way on purpose.  After he hits the harder times in life, he will be able to look back and know those feelings of security and love and confidence.  This time for him is his little glimpse of what awaits him in Heaven one day, and memories of this will get him through the hard times of life and keep him striving towards the ulitmate goal - happiness in Heaven.  God is giving us the graces to have patience so that He can work through us and allow our baby to feel His love for him through us. 
     Ok, so I am happy with that!  However, I need to find a way to show him balance.  Along with the security, he also needs to understand humility and virtue.  Although he is probably too young to understand those concepts right now, it is something we need to make sure and instill as soon as the time is right.  It really is the only way he can find happiness in this world, and we need to show him how much we love him by giving him those extremely valuable tools!  Spoiling our baby is certainly not going to be giving him glimpses of Heaven or giving him the tools to find happiness in this world or the next.  I guess my husband and I need to start praying now for the wisdom to find the balance between giving him the love and security that he needs without overly spoiling him or cripling him spiritually. 
     For now I think we will continue enjoying this precious little gift - our own little glimpse of Heaven.  We are going to continue letting him know how loved he is, how proud we are of him, and we will continue giving him the confidence that he needs.  Okay - we may need to change how we pray - maybe start facing the Crucifix that hangs next to our kitchen table when we pray instead of the baby.....  :-)  I'm sure (and I hope!) God, in His wisdom, will help us when the time comes by sending one of those natural virtue and character builders - a little brother or sister!

Middle of the Night Therapy Blogging Session

     I haven't posted in forever.  I know it.  A combination of lack of sleep with a silly baby, end of the year finals to give to the kids, and a broken charge cord for my computer have all contributed to my lack of posting.  However, as of this moment I have a sleeping baby, two kids that are finished (just about) with all of their school work, and I am using my husband's computer (which I don't like as much as mine, but I am learning to use until my new charge cord comes in and I can switch back over).  Why, you may be asking, am I up in the middle of the night and blogging?  Well, this isn't just any night.  It is the wee hours of the morning of June 15.  THE June 15 - the dreaded June 15.  I really hate this day more than just about any other day of the year.  This is the day that my two older kids leave for their summer visit with their father. 
     There was a time that I told myself that having my kids leave would get easier.  I would get used to it and we would just move on.  It hasn't gotten easier, and I haven't gotten used to it.  I hate it.  I feel as if a piece of myself is being torn away for 42 days.  It hurts and it stinks.  I dread this day all year long, and it doesn't get any easier. 
     I have been lying awake unable to sleep, and after having yet another worry fill my mind with some other terrible scenario, I decided to get up and do something more productive.  I need to do something worth doing and quit worrying.  Why am I doing this online?  Well, because this is my Glimpses of Heaven blog.  When I write on this blog it forces me to open my eyes to God's goodness.  This blog is my tool for keeping my perspective where it is supposed to be.  I can't wallow in my melancholy if I am typing for my blog - I have to be good and look for the lesson that God is wanting me to learn by allowing this suffering in my life. For better or worse, here I go....
     Suffering is a part of life.  There are so many people in this world who have sufferings that are so much worse than mine.   So, why is God allowing this particular suffering in my life?  I'll tell you why.  He is forcing me to let go.  I have such a hard time letting go and just trusting.  I am a worrier by nature (I get it honestly - it must be genetic in my family).  I try to think of every possible bad scenario and safeguard against it.  I hardly ever take risks, and when I do they are very calculated.  I like to plan and know what to expect, and surprises (even good ones) tend to make me uneasy.  So, in the way only God can work, He is forcing me to let go.  He is taking the circumstances in my life and making the greater good come from them.  No, this is not ideal, but these are the circumstances in my life for lots of reasons.  God is allowing those circumstances because He is choosing to use them to bring me closer to Him.  He is forcing me to learn a lesson that I need to learn.  He is taking my stubborn persistence in my refusal to trust and pretty much leaving me no option BUT to trust in Him. 
     I need to learn this lesson because there is no way I can safeguard myself and my family against everything.  We are all going to face things that will be hard, and some of those things are going to hurt.  We are all going to suffer, but (as long as we are staying in the state of grace and open to God's will) we are never going to be called to suffer more than we can handle.  He will always be there for me, for my children, for my husband, and for everyone.  As long as we haven't closed ourselves off to God's grace (through mortal sin) we will have what we need to face whatever we need to face in this world, and we will be better because of it.  It is through suffering that we grow closer to God, and it is through suffering that we get a little closer to Heaven.  Aside from receiving the Body of Christ in the Blessed Sacrament, there is no other way that we can be more unified with Christ than through suffering.  He suffered for us, and He is calling us to suffer with Him so that we can more intimately know Him - we can relate to Him more easily and understand on a very small level what He did for us.  The thought that Jesus suffered for us on the cross is so abstract - that is until we have a little bit of suffering.  It gives us something concrete to understand.  That concrete memory paired with the knowledge that our suffering is but a very, very small fraction of what Our Lord suffered for us helps us appreciate what He did for us that much more.  I always seem to forget this.  I get used to my day to day living that doesn't involve tremendous suffering, and I start slipping and trying to avoid any suffering whatsoever.  I become prideful and think that I can actually control what happens and avoid suffering (and keep my family from suffering).  How in the world can I let Christ in if I am closing myself off, not letting go and not trusting in Him.  I can't see His beautiful face if I am busy covering my eyes out of fear and worry!  He can't catch me and hold me close if I refuse to let go and allow myself to fall into His arms! 
     Okay, breathe....  This is what I need to do.  I need to call out to Him.  He is forcing me to let go - I need to embrace that.  I need to call out to my Blessed Mother and ask her to wrap my children in her mantle and hold them close to her tender and motherly heart.  Then I need to ask her to wrap me up as well - cradle me in her loving embrace, wipe away my tears, and carry me to her loving Son.  Together we will gaze upon His beautiful face and I will feel His Divine Mercy surround me.  I am safe.  My children are safe.  We will be fine.  Yes, we are all going to face pain in this world, and I will probably feel more pain as my children leave and everyday that they are gone.  But I can do this, and I can grow closer to God through this.  I can cling to Him through the sacraments that He left me in His Church, especially Holy Mass, the Blessed Sacrament, and Confession.  We are so blessed with all that He gives us. 
     That is my glimpse of Heaven - that is probably more like a downright gaze - God's loving mercy surrounding me.  His gentle guidance forcing me to let go and allow Him to catch us all.  I am gazing into Heaven as I let go and learn this lesson.  If I can do that, my children can follow my example and recognize Heaven when they see it as they suffer in this imperfect world.  I can't keep them safe from hurt, but I can give them the tools to grow closer to God in the hurt that they will inevitably face.  I have to start with myself. 
     Yes, this middle of the night therapy blogging session is helping.  No more wallowing!!!  I hope that the people who know me will remind me of this blog post and this lesson that I am supposed to learn if they see me starting to wallow in self pity!  :-)  Really, my suffering is so minimal, and I do realize that (now that I am thinking with a more clear head).  So, with my perspective focused (for now), I am off to bed with the hopes of at least a little bit of sleep.  Good night to all and God bless!!

A Tiny Update

No, I haven't forgotten about my blog.... A broken computer charger and a silly cutie (pictured above) that thinks his mama should alternate between nursing him and holding him all day have seriously hampered my blogging abilities. :-). Somehow trying to type an entire blog post from my phone (yes, an iPhone, but a phone nonetheless) seems too much for me to tackle - especially in my sleep deprived, zombie-like state. I may have to get over my exclusiveness in my mentality with my preference of computers and break down and use my husband's computer until my new charger comes in. For now, I am going to steal my bit of down time/ chocolate milk time and relax instead of trying to reprogram my Macintosh brain back into a Windows brain. Blogging will just have to wait until my kids are finished with their finals, my house is brought to a livable state again, my husband feels adequately supported, and my laundry is a small hill rather than a climbable mountain. In the mean time, this sleep deprived processor that I used to call a brain is working (slowly, but still working) and coming up with new ideas for posts in the future... God bless!!!

The Beginnings of Our Family :-)

     So today is my husband's and my anniversary!  It has been two very blessed years!  In honor of that I thought it would be nice to tell the story of how we met - or rather, became reacquainted.  A friend of mine has been telling her love story between her husband and herself on her blog (check it out - the City Wife Country Life Blog that I have the link to on the side of my page).  I have enjoyed reading hers so much that I am risking seeming like a copy cat to write ours up.  It seems like our anniversary is the best day to do it!    :-)
     So the summer was coming.  Summers had been hard for me for awhile.  This one was going to be challenging as well.  Not only was I trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with my life, but my children were going to be away visiting their father for the majority of their time off from school.  I was really dreading that!  I had lots of prayer going at that point.  Not only had I finished a 30 day prayer (and another 9 day novena) to St. Joseph asking for his intercession to know if I was supposed to marry and if so to be led to the person God wanted me to marry, I was also praying for some sort of miracle that the kids' father wouldn't take them for the summer (I was required by a court order to let him have his visitation if he wanted it).  Well, the kids did leave, but God didn't let me down - He had his reasons for allowing this.
     In order to stay distracted from the dreaded time that the kids were leaving, I planned a road trip to visit some old family friends.  I had been in touch with many of them for various reason, and wanted to see them again.  Also, I thought it would be a good way to stay busy and keep from missing my kids so much (and be alone in an empty house all summer).  So, just after I finished my 9 day novena to St. Joseph (and not by accident, as I was going to find out) I packed up and headed to their house, which was a 9 hour drive.  When I got there, it was so nice to see everyone again.  I also had the opportunity to get to know one of the sons.
     Of course, I had know him for a long time, but we never really kept in touch.  There was never really much of a reason to keep in touch - I had mostly talked to two of the sisters (and it was one of those sisters that I was going to visit when I went).  But circumstances allowed that we spent some time together, and I saw a side to this son that I had never seen before.  Slowly I recognized a person with all of the qualities that I had ever wanted in a person, and all of the qualities that I thought God would want me to look for in a person.  In addition, we had so much in common - the same likes and dislikes, the same types of dreams, and on and on.  We even had the same type of sense of humor (it's always nice when someone laughs at your jokes).  Well, my mind was blown!  This was not at all what I had expected to find, and it was certainly not what I had expected when I thought God was going to have me meet the person I was supposed to be with.  I was so confused!
     So I kept telling myself to take a step back.  I sure as heck did not want to blind myself with silly crushes and go in a direction that God did not want me to go.  So I prayed - I even went to the adoration chapel in their town almost everyday.  I wasn't just praying for clarification about this person, but it was certainly one of the things I was praying about!  I knew that nobody in the family had expected that son and me to hit it off so well, and I wasn't even sure if he was recognizing all of the similarities that I was noticing.  Then the sister I had gone to visit and I had this long conversation about the types of people we should end up with, and she commented that she thought I should end up with someone like her brother.  What?!  Now I was really confused!  Obviously she saw the similarities between her brother and myself, but I knew she probably was not thinking that I should end up with her brother - only someone like him.  The only problem was that I had never met anyone else who was like him.  Those types of men just don't come around everyday.  What in the world was God wanting from me?
     So, again, I just prayed.  Honestly, I was more than a little bit scared.  I did NOT want to end up getting hurt, and I had seen so many people get hurt in circumstances like this.  What in the world was going on?  So I called two friends who I trusted and who I knew understood me.  In all honesty, I was expecting them to tell me I was crazy and try to talk me out of even thinking of this person.  Well, they didn't.  They basically told me to wait and pray.
     The whole time I was having these thought processes, circumstances kept allowing that I would end up spending time with that person.  He offered to take me riding horses, and I of course accepted (I love horses - always have - everyone who knows me knows this is a passion of mine).  We had an amazing time - he did seem to enjoy it as much as I did.  I saw in this person such a sweet and respectful gentleman.  He was genuinely fun to be with, and he just had so many qualities that made him such a good person.  Most importantly, he was such a strong Catholic with a true love of his Faith.  I could see him wearing his scapular, and I even saw him guard his eyes around an immodestly dressed girl.  Wow! Yes, it impressed me to no end.  At one point I mentioned that I was planning to leave to go home, he seemed truly disappointed.  Then he blew my mind by promising to take me riding again if I would stay. Now, how in the world could I resist that?  So, after one final trip to the adoration chapel, we had the most amazing evening ride.
     Honestly, things couldn't have been more perfect. We were riding in the evening, and the lightning bugs came out.  We had amazing conversation and the time seemed to just fly by.  He was enjoying it just as much - he kept thinking up new places for us to ride to when it seemed like our ride was coming to an end.  When we finally did head back to the house it was because he was supposed to go to a friend's party.  He offered to bring me along, but I declined.  I knew how that might look to his friends, and since I had no idea what he was thinking about everything I did not want to put him in that situation.  Also, I didn't want to put myself in that situation and assume that he was having thoughts or feeling that he wasn't actually having.  Again, I was still very confused.  On the one hand I had just spent the most amazing evening with the most amazing person, but on the other hand I didn't know how he felt and didn't want to read into something that wasn't there.  Was he just being sweet because I was an old family friend?  It didn't seem that way, but I knew that when it comes to your feelings sometimes reality can be skewed.  Again, I didn't want to get hurt by letting myself go down that road with my thoughts, and I really didn't want to ruin the potential for a great friendship by jumping to conclusions.
     The next day I went home.  The whole drive home I was so confused - just going over things in my mind.  What in the world was God doing?  Where was He leading me?  What was going on?  By the time I got home, I resolved just to not do anything at all - I sure as heck wasn't going to make any moves.  If there were going to be moves made, he was going to have to be the one to make it.
     The next day, his sister called me and told me that after I had left he had told her that he now knew the type of person he wanted to marry - someone like me!  What?!  Okay - well, now I knew he was at least feeling the same attraction that I was feeling and recognizing those similarities between us.  But someone like me, or me?  Is there anyone else like me?
     I spent the rest of that summer in prayer.  I went to daily Mass and prayed and prayed.  Over and over again, God would let me know that I was being called to let go and trust Him.  There were lots of things in my life at that point that were confusing (not just my thoughts about that visit).  That was the summer that God forced me to trust Him.  And I did.  I didn't make any moves or do anything drastic.  I just waited and lived my life.  And I prayed.
     Towards the end of that summer, my mom called me with a bombshell.  They were going to have a family friend come live with them because he was wanting to get down to our area and find a job.  Guess who that person was?  Yup - you guessed it!  Here he was, back in my life again.  We had kept in touch just a little bit over the summer, but not much.  Now he was going to be living with my parents!
     After that we were able to spend more time together.  Every visit was so nice and just solidified what I knew from before.  We were so much alike and had so much fun together!  Little things would happen that would let me know that he was thinking about me to.  One time he even slipped and blew my mind with what he said.  We had pulled up to a stoplight next to a car that was making a terrible sound (we were in his truck).  I commented that I was glad it wasn't my car that was making that sound.  Although I wasn't referring to his truck when I said that (I was thinking about my car that was parked in my parent's driveway) he thought that I was.  He teasingly told me, "Hey - it's not your truck yet!"  Yet?  Now what in the world did he mean by that?!
     Another time we had all gone to Mass with my parents.  As I was kneeling down praying, I prayed that God would show me clarity and give me a sign as to what was going on with this person.  (I prayed those words - please give me a sign).  In the middle of my prayer, my mother came and interrupted that prayer (and she never does that) to tell me that someone had asked my sister if that person was her brother-in-law.  Then she said, "Do you think it's a sign?"  Yes, she said those words exactly, just moments after I had asked God in my prayer for a sign.  God was smiling at that point, I just know it.
     Still, though, I did not make any moves.  Although he did give me little bits of insight into his thoughts, he did not make any major moves either.  He did find a job and moved out.  After that he would call me on a regular basis.  Usually those calls came from him (I remember feeling quite shy about sending a text) because I was determined not to make any types of moves.  Not only was I old fashioned like that, I also figured if God was going to lead He would lead him - not me.  Our conversations became longer and longer, and once we even had a 6 hour conversation!  After talking so much, it couldn't help but become more and more personal.  He was so sweet and supportive.  Once when I was facing a particularly difficult situation, he sent me a text telling me that he had sent his Guardian Angel to be with me to give my Guardian Angel back-up until that situation was over!  I was blown away by such sweetness, protection, and Faith!  This was truly one of the best men I had ever met!
     In the midst of our conversations, it came up that he wanted me to come for a visit.  There was a sweet little motel for me to stay in the town where he was living, and he wanted to go for another horse ride.  Of course I wanted to go, but I didn't push it.  I remember one time he kind of mentioned in passing that I was welcome to go at any point.  I did not go up there with that.  I definitely needed more than that - there was no way I was going to go running up to visit a man (even if he was such a good man) with such an ambiguous invitation.  What did he mean by that?  Again, was he just being sweet?  There was no way I was going to throw myself at him!
     After that our conversations became more frequent.  It was getting to be time for Christmas, and it was time to start the St. Andrew novena.  I definitely knew what one of my prayer intentions was going to be.  We traded intentions (so that we could pray for each other) and he finished his list with a "special intention."  I did the same thing.  (Yes, he has since told me that special intention was me.)  After that he would be a little more open with his feelings when we talked, and I was pretty sure I knew how he was feeling.  Then he invited me to come for a visit again, but this time he said that if I would come he would pay for my motel room so I would have somewhere to stay.  Now that was the invitation that I was hoping for!
     No other moves were made before my visit.  By that point I knew him well enough to know that he would probably wait to make any moves until we were in person.  We set my visit after the Christmas holidays.  During the holidays he was driving to visit his parents, and he got into a major wreck and totaled his truck.  Thank goodness he was okay, but even that was an opportunity to see his feelings.  The first phone call he made was to his parents.  The next phone call was to me.  At that point I know for sure his sister was suspecting something was between the two of us.
     After the holidays, I did go on that visit.  By the end of that first night, he had indeed made his move and told me his feelings.  After a phone call to my father, requesting permission to court me, we were officially a couple.  The rest is history!  :-)  We were engaged about 8 months after that (another blog post may need the story of how we were engaged - it was pretty great) and married 9 months after we were engaged.
     Our story may not be just like the movies, but it was definitely wonderful.  Through it all, God was teaching me to trust Him.  I sure am glad that I did!

My Own Divine Mercy Story

      In light of Divine Mercy Sunday coming up tomorrow, I thought it would be nice to give my own story of Divine Mercy.  I posted a while back about my life and how I came to be where I am today, but I did not go into detail about how Divine Mercy played a major role in all of that.  So, without further ado, here it is:

     That summer was a really hard one.  I had a very hard past few years that climaxed and ended with me being a newly single mother after he left.  I had no desire to be with the person who left, but I did not want to be in the place that I was.  I was worried for my children, very alone, and hurt that my life had ended up this way.   Honestly the weight of the world just seemed so much to bear, and to think about the future left me feeling panic and hopelessness.  I was working full time and having to leave my children, and at that point (since it was summer) my children were staying with my parents during the week and I would go be with them on the weekend.  This was not at all the life that I wanted either for me or for my children.  Again, I was alone - so very alone.
     After the kids started school (they went to Kindergarten - the first they had ever been in school), I found out what it was like to get up at the crack of dawn, drop off my kids at school and have to break my heart by literally pulling them off of me crying so that I could leave and go to work.  Then I would work all day, feeling guilty for being away from my children.  I would pick them up from the after school program, knowing that they had to be at school an extra couple of hours when most of the other kids got to go home because their mothers had picked them up when school ended.  We would go home, eat whatever frozen food I had the energy to cook, get baths and go to bed.  I had, at the most, about two hours a day with them - two hours at the end of the day when I was exhausted and stressed and had to do the stuff like giving them baths and feeding them.  The next morning we would get up and do it all over again.  It was hard to say the very least.  I would live for the weekend and then spend most of Sunday dreading Monday.
     Again, through all of this, I was alone - so very alone.  I had everything on my shoulders - cleaning house, paying bills, working to support myself and the kids, doctors appointments, maintenance on the car, laundry, cooking, going to the grocery store, etc., etc., etc.  Then there were things like tornado sirens, blackouts, freezing weather, and even a hurricane (we didn't live on the coast, but this one threatened to come pretty far inland).  Again, I faced all of this alone.  I didn't even know our neighbors because I was never home.  I was not wanting the person who left to be there - he was never much of a support in that stuff anyway.  I was wanting things to be the way they were supposed to be - women are supposed to be cherished and protected by their husbands who loves them.  They are supposed to feel safe and protected.  Why had my life turned out this way?
     When my birthday came around I had to do something just wonderful - go see my attorney and face all of the terrible legal stuff that was coming.  Then my mother called with an inspiration.  There was a retreat coming up that weekend - a silent retreat that centers around Divine Mercy.  This particular order of nuns and priests and brothers had devoted their lives to promoting the message of St. Faustina and Divine Mercy.  When my mom suggested that, I was apprehensive.  Don't get me wrong - I knew that it was special, but I just couldn't see how in the world I was going to be able to take off from work and just leave everything from Friday until Sunday.  Who was going to take care of my kids and all of the many things I had to manage?  She was persistent, though, and offered to take care of things for me so that I could go.  That was her birthday present to me.  I finally gave in and went.
     That was the turning point.  Up until that time I did cling to my Catholic Faith and I loved it, but it was very abstract for me.  All of the things I believed because I knew that they were real, but the everyday, real life, tangible effect of that for me at the time was me saying my prayers, trying to avoid sin, reading about the lives of the saints and holy people, and going to Mass.  I was blind to all of the little stuff and the ways God works everyday.  Looking back, I know that I felt the effects of God working, but I just didn't recognize what it was.  My Faith was more something that I did and believed because I knew it was good and holy and would lead me to Heaven, but it was not as much something that I felt - something that I experienced.  Now, I know that basing your Faith off of feelings is very dangerous, and that is not at all what I am suggesting should be done here.  The devil can very easily manipulate your feelings, and even without the evil one working, feelings change with the wind.  What I am trying to say is more that I made my Catholic Faith personal - it was for me, not just what I read about and saw other people experiencing.  I was finally understanding - truly understanding what the saints talked about  - the joy and love of living their Faith.  I could feel and recognize God's love around me and see Him working.  Mass was an oasis, and the sacraments were gifts that I was given over and over again.  I'm getting ahead of myself, though.
     We started out that weekend by driving to an old convent.  The little sisters (who were not of the same order as the ones running the retreat - they were just kind and charitable) let us use their rooms and even their linens.  I walked in and saw the holiest people in the priest, nuns, and brother who were running the retreat.  They were in full habit, and they were just not of this world.  We had a meal in which Father explained to us how things worked, and then we went silent.  The whole weekend was spent in prayer, listening to the various talks (and they were not boring - truly inspiring talks), attending Mass, going to Confession, spiritual direction, Adoration, and just being alone with God.  The world was shut out - I was in my safe place.  I was alone with Jesus, and He was protecting me - taking care of me and cherishing me.  He was giving me what I was longing for.  He had been wanting to do that for the longest time - how did I miss it?  I was so busy with the world and the stress and the hurt that I had blinded myself to the very thing that I was wanting - Jesus waiting for me and all of His saints and angels (the ones in this world and the next) waiting for me to let them in so that they could take care of me.  Christ wanted me to recognize that He was there with me the whole time - holding me and protecting me, keeping me safe, but I didn't know it because I didn't know how to see it.  I wasn't alone and I never was!
     I left that retreat a new person.  My eyes were opened, and I had the spiritual armor that I needed to face the battles and heartache of this cold, cruel world.  Later, I received in the mail the image of Divine Mercy.  That image has meant so much to me.  I look at it and see Jesus, with His most Sacred Heart, and the blue and red streams coming down from His heart - coming straight to me (and the rest of the world) representing all of His love and the graces and the strength and the help that He sends - His Mercy.  He is so generous - His Divine Love and Mercy are truly endless - we can just let go and immerse ourselves in them - jump into this ocean of Love and just let Christ hold us and carry us through this world.  
     Jesus and St. Faustina (that beautiful saint who shared her story and visions so that we could recognize Divine Mercy) were not done with me, though.  They both took hold of me personally - I could really and tangibly feel the prayers of St. Faustina coming down from Heaven and Christ standing by my side leading me.  It's amazing how the saints find us and not the other way around.  Yes, we have the people in this world who love us and who are our friends.  They pray for us and help us and give us advice.  The saints really do the same for us as well - they just do it from Heaven.  God has blessed us with them as much as He has blessed us with the family and friends who are here on the earth with us.  Well, St. Faustina found me and was my new best friend.
     As my life continued it didn't just magically get easier - not at all.  I did, however, have my strength to face it.  A few months later I had to face a court hearing that I was dreading - one of many that I was going to have to face.  I went into it afraid, but I put on my Spiritual armor of prayer, gritted my teeth, and plowed forward.  Well, after we got there a delay happened with the judge and we had to wait.  My attorney took that opportunity to try to come to some agreements outside of court. Would you believe that we were able to come to agreements about everything and have everything finalized right then and there.  It wasn't even scheduled to be that type of hearing, and everything was wrapped up, finalized, and over - I was not going to have to face going back to court!  My mom was there with me (so I wouldn't have to be alone), and when we got in the car afterward, she remembered that she had something that she needed to give me.  One of my uncles, who I have not spoken with in years (and who has his own struggles) had sent me a letter.  Since he didn't know my address he had sent it to my parents.  I opened it and my jaw dropped.  My uncle (who I did not know was even practicing his Faith) had three Masses said for me at the National Shrine of Divine Mercy.  Yes, you read that right - the National Shrine of Divine Mercy in Massachusetts.  Okay Jesus - I hear you!
     Later, I was wanting to try to find a different career so that I didn't have to leave my children so much.  Although I didn't have a teaching degree, that seemed the best option for me so that I could be at the school with them all day.  Well, St. Faustina heard me, and my new best friend pretty much took my hard and led me to where I needed to be.  My mother (yes, I recognize how instrumental my mother has been through all of this) was doing an internet search for me (I had a particularly hard morning and called her on my lunch break from work).  She noticed the name of a school that caught her attention.  The name of that school had very close ties to Divine Mercy.  Anyway, my mother being my mother picked up the phone and called.  That school turned out to be a tremendous blessing, filled with holy and very, very Faithful Catholics.  I was blessed with a job there, and I picked up and moved.  Although the pay wasn't nearly as much as I was making at my other job, God opened doors and kept my children and me safe.  Not once did we go without something that we needed.
     I could list miracle after miracle that my children and I experienced.  From the condo that we were led to live in (the one that the owner spontaneously decided to come down on the price so that I could afford to live there, which just happened to be surrounded by very good people who turned out to be supportive and wonderful friends - right across from an adoration chapel) to the toy store gift cards that I received anonymously on St. Nicholas Day so that Christmas was beyond taken care of for my children, God just kept blessing us and blessing us.  Of course, I have already written about one of the very best miracles and blessings - my sweet husband who happened to come back into my life exactly as the Church granted an annulment and I knew that I might be called to marry.  (Yes, I did say back into my life - that is another story that will have to wait for another blog post.)
     It's amazing how God can bring the greater good into any situation, no matter how hopeless it may seem.   Divine Mercy Sunday is, obviously, quite special to me.  Although the traditional meaning of Divine Mercy is the fact that we can attain Heaven, there are so many ways to experience Divine Mercy while we are still on this earth.  I hope everyone else is able to experience and recognize this Divine Mercy in their lives as much as I have been able to have it in mine.  Happy Divine Mercy Sunday (almost!).  :-)
      
    

Happy Easter!!!

I'm trying out a new application from my phone for updating my blog. I hope it works....






More to come soon.... God bless! Alleluia He is risen!!!

Future Scientist

  
     Do you see this face?  This, my friends, is the face of a future scientist.  He is quite capable already.  You see, he has been conducting quite a few experiments in our house already.  Namely, he has been conducting experiments on sleep deprivation and their effects on his mother.  I know, I know - it seems so unlikely that one so young could already be conducting experiments and observing the results, but it is true.  And what results has he been observing you ask?  Well, let me tell you....
     This precious baby has observed his mother as she gazes in the mirror wondering of it is possible to look more like death warmed over (if I were less vain I would post a picture so that you can see just exactly what death warmed over actually looks like).  He has observed in detail how the house seems to be slipping (not overwhelmingly, but slipping still), the laundry is piling up, and the unfinished projects are crying for more and more attention.  This little cutie has watched as his mother wakes up feeling behind and then runs around all day trying to catch up but not having the mental capacity to form complete sentences let alone organize and prioritize the many things she need to accomplish.  He also watches what happens when he reduces his nap times to blocks of time long enough for his mother to start a project but not finish it (adding to the growing list of unfinished projects).  Then this little budding scientist makes note of his mother falling asleep at night, usually fully clothed on top of the covers because she was only intending to put the baby asleep and not fall asleep herself.  But that is not all!  Through the night he conducts multiple experiments on the cause and effect of waking up every couple of hours or so, never actually allowing the specimen (his mother) to fall fully asleep and make it through the various necessary sleep cycles, yet she is also never fully conscience during these nighttime experimental sessions either.  Is this maybe what twilight sleep is like?  Or how zombies feel?  He's not sure, but he will observe for future sessions to find out.
     Through all of this, the precious baby has watched as his mother has not had much time for stuff like, oh, eating, showering, or finding matching clothes.  Although these things do end up getting accomplished, it usually happens at odd times and over longer time spans than what those tasks would normally require due to the many interruptions.  Then there are things like blogs that need to be updated, phone calls that need to be made, long lost sisters-in-law who need Skype dates, e-mails that need to be returned, and pictures that need to be uploaded onto the computer (hence the one picture of our budding scientist above and not the many, many more that have actually been taken recently).  Oh, and then there is that little thing called sanity that his mother seems to be losing more and more with each passing day as she has no time for breaks or herself.
     That is not all our budding scientist has seen though.  Just today he observed his sweet sister watching him for a few minutes so that his mother could have a small break.  Then he watched his father come home from work to find his wife sound asleep (because she fell asleep during her small break).  This precious baby then got to witness a heroic act - he saw his father close the bedroom door and allow this little scientist's mother a long nap.  This heroic act gave his mother the opportunity to actually feel rested enough to get some things accomplished and even stay awake long enough to have some time to herself and regain some sanity!  Oh how sweet it feels to regain a bit of lost sanity!
     But wait, there is more!  This precious baby has learned that he is loved, and that his mother is thankful - oh so thankful for every second that she has with her three beautiful children and sweet husband.  He knows that even when it gets hard, his mama would not trade one second and realizes she is blessed beyond words to have the job God gave her.  He also sees that his father loves his family as well and is a hero who saves them all on a daily basis.  This little baby has seen that his siblings love him and are learning how important they are in the family by helping out where their mother needs it.  Most importantly, our little scientist has learned what it means for a family to come together and work together, growing closer and gaining virtue in the process.
     Okay, so maybe assuming that our little scientist realizes all of the things in that last paragraph is a stretch, but I can assure you that he knows that he is loved and is confident and secure because of it.  Maybe that last paragraph is more the things that his mother is realizing.  Times of trial have a way of reminding you about the most important things in life.
     Please bear with me as I go though this latest trial that God is allowing (very small trial I realize!) if I am not able to post as much as I would like.  I would be willing to bet that my next post will be after Easter, which means that while I am writing I will probably also be consuming an enormous glass of chocolate milk and a large bowl of cookie dough!  :-)

Tip-toeing and Peeking

     So I had a stressful week last week.  I was trying to get my house in perfect condition (yes, yes I know - I should refer back to my own post about that very issue) because we had company coming over and I really wanted the house to be clean for this person.  My hero of a husband had to work all six days and was pretty tired at the end of those days, and thus I didn't get much down time.  There was no way I was going to ask him to watch the baby when he had been at work for so long.  As much as I love my job of being a mom, sometimes it is nice to have some down time to myself.  Also, and you're going to laugh at this one, with so much stress I was really craving my comfort food - chocolate milk!  I did offer it up, but I still have a long way to go on being able to joyfully offer up sacrifices and still deal with the other stresses of life in the same manner.  So, long stressful week, busy husband, very little down time, and sacrificing my comfort food (aka my coping mechanism) = hard week.

     So, what did I do?  I did what I always do when I get overly stressed.  I found something to worry about.  I've learned to be able to recognize this pattern in my life.  It really is an attack and a tool of the devil - he really fights dirty and hits you when you are down.  Now, since I have already kind of worked through the serious issues in my life that really would require attention, and I already pray about them regularly and have my strategies for dealing with those issues, he decided to hit me with something silly. I wasn't expecting this one, but it really was very clever because I apparently did have an insecurity about it.  He hit me about my blog.  Now, yes, maybe I did need to reassess the whole "tone" my blog was taking and make sure I wasn't sounding a way that I wasn't intending to sound, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I was feeling.  I got shaken and wanted to hide.  So I did.

     Then God did something amazing.  He forced me to rest (because it was Sunday).  Then, He forced me to go to Him in Mass, where I was surrounded by angels and His true presence in the Eucharist - I was safe!  After that He sat back and waited.  And I peeked.  Then I tip-toed.  Then I peeked some more.  And you want to know what I saw?

     I saw Heaven in a field of Bluebonnets, and I saw my loves there waiting for me.  Now, the devil didn't give up that easily.  The evil one never does.  That one tried to invade, and he played on the fact that it was hot and I was trying to take pictures and kids were getting cranky.  So, my hero and husband rescued me.  He saw what was going on and we left - but just for a little while.  Then we went back to the glimpse of Heaven that God gave us, and this time it was good!  My husband successfully ran the devil away (he is so good at that!).  Then we basked in Heaven's glow!

     We took pictures and laughed and smiled at the sweet baby.

     We worked together, trading the camera and taking turns capturing the perfect moments on film.

     We smiled and figured out how to not be annoyed by our older brothers who know just how to push the buttons of their little sisters.  :-)

     We chuckled at the silly baby who just didn't understand why you don't eat the Bluebonnets (and the faces he made when Daddy got them out of his mouth)!

      And we giggled.

And we appreciated this view of Heaven through nature.  Honestly, I don't know how anyone could see such beauty as you find in nature and doubt the existence of God.  How could something so beautiful be created by anything except through love - perfect love that wants us to see Him and what He is pulling us to - little glimpses of Heaven!

     I often find my refuge in nature.  It is so beautiful - such a gift from God.  He smiles at me using flowers and grass and fields and trees and water and sky and clouds.  He smiles at me a lot like this.  Oh, and then, at the end of the day, He pats me on the back, winks, and grins at me like this:

High Horse

     Well, really my title should say that I'm not on a high horse.  My husband and baby may be in this picture (well - she's an average sized horse - not overly "high"), but I sure as heck am not.  I hope I don't sound like I'm on a soapbox either.
     What in the world am I talking about?  Well, as I was drinking my chocolate milk (yes, it's after midnight in the wee hours of Sunday), I started thinking - worrying really - that my blog posts were sounding a bit self righteous or preachy.  Did my post on charity sound - um - uncharitable?  I just wanted to clarify.  That is not at all how I am trying to sound, and believe me when I say that I don't think I'm perfect.  I've got a long way to go in this whole path to sanctity (ha - just ask my husband!), and as I type these posts I am really just collecting my thoughts and typing them out to remind myself more than anything else.  I know - yes, I am doing it for the world to see on the internet.  I do that because I always like to read similar posts in other people's blogs.  It's nice to see how other people are trying to better themselves and read their thoughts on similar issues.  My sister-in-law and I have conversations such as this for hours on end (usually in the middle of the night).  Anyway, since I'm sure that the vast majority of the "views" of my blog page are from people that know me personally, I hope you know me well enough to know that I would never think I have any right to look down on or preach to anyone else.  I would also love to hear other people's thoughts on the issues that I am typing about - I know that there are a lot of people who could teach me a thing or two (million) and I would love to hear it!  
     Ok - with that hopefully clarified, I am off to put the baby back to sleep.  Apparently he decided to wake up as I was typing this (and finishing my chocolate milk).  Good night!  :-)

What the Ugly Camel Taught Me

    Let me ask you a question.  What do you see here?

     Ok - that's fine - take your time to quit laughing.  :-)  No, this is not a trick question.  I'll tell you what I see here.  I see one really, really ugly camel.  He had to have been older than my grandmother's mother.  

     Not sure why, but his lip was dangling like that the whole time.  Nerve damage to the lower lip maybe?  Not sure....  Poor thing was in a pen by himself right across from the younger and better looking camels (which we walked over to see first).  We were at a touristy thing that had lots of exotic species of animals that you could walk around and look at.  When we saw the camels from a distance and made our way over, I have to say this was not what we expected to find.  We were all taken aback.  Well, almost all of us were....

     

     My sweet daughter took a liking to him.  I'm not sure how my daughter, who is usually quite grossed out by weird things, overcame her aversion to the strange, but she did.  And you know what?  This camel adored her back.  He loved all of the attention she gave him.  He ended up being the friendliest animal there.  The poor thing probably never got attention at all, until my sweet daughter taught us all a lesson in charity.  She made a friend for life!  

      In the end, it guess it was really more my daughter who taught me a lesson that day and not the camel, but he was the instrument that God used to teach it.  Yes, I find this as indisputable proof that God most definitely has a sense of humor!
     This past week, I was in the process of organizing the (literal) thousands of pictures that I have on the hard drive of my computer, and I came across these.  This got me thinking about things, and that poor old ugly camel taught me another lesson.  This lesson was a bit more important.
     In our society, animals have a soft place in most people's hearts.  I'm sure that our family, upon further consideration of the ugly camel, would not be the only one to start feeling sorry for him and want to befriend him.  Something about animals inspires a sense of the protective nature that makes you want to shield them from anything that would harm them or make them "sad" (in the sense that an animal can experience an emotion).  Why is it, though, harder for us to feel that same way about other humans?
     How many people do you know that are ugly or annoying or hard to get along with?  How many are mean or lacking in social skills?  How many are beautiful on the outside, but harder to like on the inside?  The thing is, everyone of us - every last one from the moment of conception to the end of the life - is made in the image of God.  That means everyone is beautiful in their own way and deserves a bit of respect - dignity and love.  They deserve to be shown charity.  Now, I'm not talking about the condescending charity that one shows - the kind that is more of a way to feel good about oneself rather than making life better for the person on the receiving end.  That is more about pride and showing off rather than about charity.  I'm talking about the kind of charity - the kind of love and sacrifice - that we would want to be shown.
     I'm not trying to sound like I am preaching.  I am most definitely guilty of being uncharitable myself.  There are people in this world that I do not get along with - people that I really can't stand.  I have been guilty of looking down on others or being judgmental as well.  I have no right to be that way.
     Blessed Mother Teresa used to say that it was Christ that she was taking care of when she would help the destitute and sick.  He was there in every single one of those people.  Didn't He say that whatsoever you do to the least of His people, you do unto Him?  That means that every single person in this world that we come in contact with is an opportunity to do something for Jesus.  Stop and think about it.  This is mind blowing.  Everyone - from the worker at the drive through to your boss that you can't stand to your children and spouses - your mother, the homeless man begging when you stop at a red light - everyone!  This means that we are called to show charity to every single person we come in contact with.
     Of course we are called to love the people around us in different ways.  Our children need one kind of love, our spouses another, the check-out lady at the grocery store another.  We are, however, called to show charity to all of them.  We are even called to be charitable - show some type of love - to those who have been hateful or mean to us or have wronged us in some form or fashion.  It really doesn't matter how they react to that charity - what they do with our love is between them and God.  What matters to us is that the love we show the people around us is really us showing that love to Christ Himself.  Jesus doesn't expect us to put ourselves in a place where we are in danger or setting ourselves up to be hurt by someone we know would hurt us.  He does, however, expect us to be charitable to all in some form or fashion - even if that means praying for someone from a distance or even offering up sacrifices for them.  I had a very wise spiritual director once tell me to offer up daily sacrifices for someone who had been mean to me.  He was so wise to tell me to do that - it really helped.  It was very hard for me to do that, and it still is.  It helps me, though, to think about the fact that I am giving that to Jesus.  As He hung there on the cross, dying for our sins, He (since He is God and knows all) knew that today I would make that sacrifice and offer it up, even though it was hard for me, in order to please Him.  That is my spiritual present that I give to Him to help, in some very small way, ease the suffering that He had to go through for us.
     Charity is something that we all struggle with.  I know I do quite often.  I don't struggle so much with my family or close friends - it is more the others that I struggle being charitable towards.  It is so hard to be charitable to the people in my path who are rude to me - those who are annoying or even those who have been down right mean and hurt me in some way or another.  I hope and pray that as the opportunities present themselves, I can remember that every charitable act that I make - every time I show some type of love - I am really doing that for Christ.  I would like to think that if I lived during the time of Christ and had stood there in the crowds watching Jesus carry His cross I would have been more like St. Veronica who wiped the spit, blood, and sweat from His precious Face and not like all the others who were mocking Him and spit on Him.  I guess that really, even though I don't live in that time period, I am still standing on that road leading to Calvary, and every opportunity I am given to show charity is an opportunity to follow the example of St. Veronica and comfort Jesus.  I pray that my Guardian Angel will whisper this reminder in my ear the next time I am having difficulty showing the charity I am called to show.  

    
     This is another picture I found from that day.  My silly husband was antagonizing that ostrich, and boy was that ostrich getting mad!  I'm not sure how I could turn that into a spiritual lesson I could learn, but it sure was funny!!!  :-)

How To Say I Love You

     As I sit in the living room watching my baby play, crawling from place to place babbling and smiling the whole time, my heart swells.  I think to myself how much I love that little baby.  He is just so precious and fun - such a joy to be around.  He always makes those around him so happy.  He is just SO lovable.  Watching this little baby very often gets me thinking about love and just how that applies not only to my feelings for others, but also to the ways that I am shown that I am loved.
     A while back, a priest said something during a homily at Mass that really stuck with me.  He said that very often our society equates love with a feeling.  When that feeling goes away, many think that the love is gone as well.  He said that if we want to truly understand love, we should look to the example that God Himself gave us.  How did He show us that He loves us?  By becoming man, then suffering and dying on the cross for us.  That was the ultimate and perfect act of love.  It wasn't about a feeling - it was about a choice - an action.  If we want to know if we truly love, we should not look to our feelings to help us decide because feelings are not a constant and they are quite fickle.  Instead, we should realize that our love is a choice, and we show that love through the sacrifices that we make for the person that we love.  These words were so powerful, and they have really stuck with me since that time.  I have seen their truth over and over again in my life.  
     When my husband and I first started dating, I was so happy.  Here was the man that I had always dreamed of.  He was perfect in every way - my knight in shining armor.  He was everything I had always wanted and more!  I thought that I loved him so much.  Looking back I remember knowing that the love I felt for him had to be a bit superficial - I had enough of an understanding of love to know that it was not about a feeling.  I wanted nothing more than to be able to show him true love, and I prayed for that opportunity on a daily basis.  I type this with a smile on my face because that is one of those prayers that God always answers - just not in the way you had pictured.
     Well, surprise, surprise, I have since found out that my husband is, indeed, not perfect.  Turns out that this knight, underneath all of his shining armor, really is human after all!  Shocking!  :-)  (Yes, my husband also found out the same thing about me - my perfection does actually have its limits - hard to believe I know - but true!)  Funny how being married to someone and living with them and dealing with stress together makes all of those non-existent imperfections quite apparent at times.  I often tease him that he had false advertising when we first got together - he is supposed to be perfect!  All joking aside, though, I realize that the trails that we face together are, in their own way, truly an answer to my prayers.  I can honestly say that I love my husband now.  Before, my love was more selfish - I loved him because he made me feel good about myself.  Really I was loving myself.  Now, I can say that I love him for him.  Even when things aren't easy and we have different ideas on how to handle certain stressful situations, we come through and I recognize the outstanding man that he is even if he is not making me feel all lovey dovey.  Does that make sense?  I love him for him - not because he makes me feel good.  Not only did God give me the opportunity to show that I truly love my husband, He also gave me the opportunity to grow and become closer to Him.  Don't get me wrong - most of the time there are plenty of good feelings.  I am just recognizing that now, in a very small way, I can show my own sacrificial love when I let my own selfish desires go in order to prove my love for my husband.  I can take up my own cross and make my own sacrifice and imitate Christ - not only growing closer to my husband but also to Christ at the same time.  This wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I prayed for the opportunity to show that I loved my husband - it is much, much better.  It's harder, but better - that's how God answers our prayers.
      How does this work in everyday life now?  Well, I recognize my feelings for what they are and realize what true love really means.  The concept of sacrificial love applies not only in romantic love between a husband and wife, but also in other types of love as well.  Yes, I love my baby as my heart swells when he gives me kisses - of course.  Really, though, I am loving him more when I wake up in the middle of the night to feed him.  I am loving him more when I show patience when it is the end of the day and I am in need of some down time, but he just can't seem to settle down and go to sleep.  I am showing more love when I stay calm when telling my older son to throw his dirty clothes in the hamper for the millionth time or I show patience with my daughter after she lost the scissors - again.
     I need to remember that, honestly I have a million opportunities a day to truly show love for my family - true love that makes us all feel the presence of God in our lives.  This is the type of love that truly defines - it separates the lightweights from the real deal.  I have a long way to go, but I am blessed to have had such wonderful instruction on the true meaning of love.  I hope and pray that I am able to recognize more of those opportunities throughout the day and to use them to prove my love to my most deserving family.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by the true sacrificial love from a husband who really is amazing and shows me how much he loves me on a daily basis, and I am also blessed with such deserving and sweet children who are there just waiting to soak up the love that I have to offer.  I am blessed to be given the opportunities through my family to show love, grow as a person, and grow closer to God in the process.  This is what true love is all about, and this is an amazing glimpse of what we are striving for in Heaven - to be constantly surrounded by the perfect true love of God in all of His glory.

Listening To God's Whispers

Do you see what I see here?  You may see a field of grass, but I see perfection.  I see beauty, serenity, happiness, and peace.  I took that picture.  I took this one too.

Yes, I was on that four-wheeler.  The ranch I was on was so big that it would have taken all day to walk anywhere.  The only thing that would have been better is if we had been on horseback.
     You see, I used to work for the USDA as a Rangeland Management Specialist - aka a Ranger.  My degree is in Rangeland Management, which basically means studying grasses and ecosystems and grazing lands.  Really what it means is that you get to be outside all day in the fresh air surrounded by grass and cattle and sometimes horses or wildlife just so you can study the grass species in that area and plan a good grazing system or wildlife plan or some other way to best utilize that particular piece of rangeland.  Sometimes we even planned and performed controlled burns, which was really cool.  Every minute that I spent outdoors I loved.  I took these pictures because I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of this particular monoculture of Big Bluestem (grass).  This is the kind of picture that God paints - this is what God gives us as a break from this imperfect world.  These places, the ones that are so quiet that you can almost hear the angels singing, are little doorways out of the painful world.  These places are the places you go to give your Guardian Angel a break so that he can sit down next to you and see nature - every last blade of grass, every tree, every flower, every bug, stream, cloud, particle of soil - giving God glory in its own way.  It is breathtaking - God is smiling when He sends us to these places.  Can you tell that I loved it?
     For me, Heaven would be on a horse in a pasture such as the one above - forever.  Almost.  You see, even when I was there loving every minute of it, something was missing.  I was a single mother at the time (after an Annulment), and I had to leave my children in order to work this job.  I didn't plan things this way, but life has a way of making plans for you sometimes.  I had to support us, and this was the expertise that I had.  I missed my children every minute that I was away from them, and I felt guilty the whole time.  As much as I loved what I was doing, I did not have peace doing it - the cost was just way too much.  So, this small town girl, who went to college in the middle of the desert so she could have her horse with her and be away from the big universities, packed up and moved to the city.  A big city - by far the biggest she had ever lived in.  I took a job teaching at a small Catholic school.  Why did I do it?

For this face.

And for this one.
     I took a teaching job so that I could be near my children all day.  And you know what?  I was happy! I was so happy to be with them.  I was so full of peace that I was doing what God was calling me to do.  He sent me wonderful friends, a great place to live, and miracle after miracle after miracle.  It was amazing.
     And then, God sent another miracle - this one was a doozy:

God sent me this face.
     Who knows if we would have ended up here if I hadn't listened to God calling me away from what I knew and loved.  If God hadn't challenged me to step outside of my comfort zone, who knows what would have happened.  Look at what we would have missed out on!  Oh, and now, miracle of miracles, we have.....

This beautiful little face.
     This just shows me that as much as we may think we have life figured out, we really don't.  I can tell you that if you had asked me fifteen years ago where I would be fifteen years from then, this is the last place I would have said.  Look how blind I was.  Boy am I glad that God really is the One in control.  He doesn't force you to do anything, and He usually whispers when He calls.  But you know He is calling because inside you don't feel right - you know that a change needs to be made.  You long for something else, something more, and you don't know what it is.  Then He shows you the way - He opens doors and gently, oh so gently, nudges you along.  Sometimes it is scary -  God allows this so that you can prove to Him and to yourself that you are placing your full trust in Him.  But through it all you have peace - joyous, wonderful, filling, overwhelming peace.  And yes, you can feel God smiling.
     So now I am a stay at home mother.  My hero and husband makes that possible.  Do I miss my old job?  Yes.  When I am in the middle of the city surrounded by noise and chaos and people and concrete, yes I miss the nature and the beauty.  Do I regret leaving?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  Even though I am surrounded by the chaos of the city, I have peace inside and my loves close by in our little home full of love.  And I have my best friend and the love of my life.

And the other love of my life.

And the other loves of my life.

I have the greatest masterpiece God gave me....

 Our family!
      So what would Heaven be for me?  Well, it would probably be set in fields like the ones in the pictures, and yes, it would be on a horse.  :-)  More importantly, though, I would be surrounded by all of my family. I would be so happy that we were all there together, in the presence of God, that I would forget all about the nature and wonder if we had ever even left our home!